LTR question

[Welsh_Dragon]

And how do you prevent yourself from loosing interest for, biologically, we are made to loose sexual interest after a while.

I am a man. That is not possible.

I am meerly answering the question put to the house (how to keep up a good sex life in marriage).

An answer to your new question could be polygamy. Many of the good books people say they read on here suggest this is common amongst high value males in nature. Human nature included.


For the uneducated:

Polygamy has been a feature of human culture since earliest history. The term polygamy (many marriages in late Greek) is used in related ways in social anthropology, sociobiology, and sociology. Polygamy can be defined as any "form of marriage in which a person [has] more than one spouse."[1]

[Finesse]

I am a man, and I lost interest with my Ex after 3 years.

[Welsh_Dragon]

Obviously there is no one answer here. Every man must find his own path. It is one of the great questions in life. Unless you're gay I suppose.

I say be willing to constantly adapt your tactics and improve throught your whole life. Then you are ready for anything. Forgetting the past and not living for the future.

[Twitchy]

I always find threads like this interesting. Two things come to mind - 1) there seems to be a lot of negativity towards women and 2) a lot of lack of control

I LOVE WOMEN! Not just having sex with them but actually talking to them, hanging out with them, getting to know them, figuring out how their minds work, etc. Most of my friends are women.

If you are having trouble picking up girls you might want to ask yourself if you are after women because you are lonely / horny vs. do you actually want to find women whose company you enjoy. AFC_Adam_London posts about this too. When you are after women for the experience and not for the lay, you will have more success. Women know when you appreciate them vs see them as an object.

One of the main philosophies I have in my life is to not let me little head run my big head. I don't let sex dominate my life. Although I have a huge sex drive and get laid more than most men should, I have never had a one night stand nor have I ever had a coyote night where I regretted what I did the next day.

I only sleep with women whom I find attractive and would like to see again. You should be doing the same thing when you are qualifying women. I can get sex any time I want. However, I can't always meet a great girl who I connect with and who I find attractive. Settling for less than that in my mind degrades me.

(caveat - I have taken women home who weren't keepers in my book. However, I won't let myself sleep with them to protect both their feelings and my mindset)

Now, applying this to LTRs.....I have had many girlfriends in my lifetime and have lived with two different women. My advice to any guy out there when picking a girl for a LTR is the following:
- go for sexiness over looks
- find a confident girl who is not too self conscience about her body
- make sure the girl is someone who appreciates your friends and family and they do the same to her
- be sure that she can be one of your closest friends if not your best friend
- make sure you have a strong physical chemistry
- be sure that you two form a team and look out for each other
- try to have similar life outlooks regarding kids, money, religion, etc.

Now let me ask you this...do you want to be the guy in the bar asking girls if they use the same shampoo when you are 50? Probably not.
That would be a lonely life.

Relationships are a lot of work but they can be very rewarding. Of course the sexual lust wears off over time but if you do it right, it gets replaced by sexual familiarity which although is not as exciting, is better.

No matter how wild and passionate sex is with someone new, there is no replacement for sex with someone who knows your every tendor spot, knows how you like to be kissed, and is willing to please your every need. And you do the same for her. The best sex I have ever had has been with long term girlfriends.

I think if your belief is that relationships are doomed to fail after a couple of years, then you need to look at yourself and what you are putting into them. Are you treating your partner with respect, helping them with chores, being the shoulder they need to cry on, talking to them about what pleases them in bed? If you are doing these things, then your relationship will remain strong through the ups and downs.

Now you may say "Twitchy, all well and good, but why aren't you still in some of these wonderful LTRs you refer to?". My answer is because relationships were not my priority. A good relationship in my mind takes two things - the right person and the right time. I have met several right women however, I was either not mature enough or too focused on school / work to be fair to the relationship. And at times I regret it because I have lost some wonderful women in my life because of it.

[Welsh_Dragon]

I agree with a lot of what you are saying. But..

Now let me ask you this...do you want to be the guy in the bar asking girls if they use the same shampoo when you are 50? Probably not.
That would be a lonely life.

That is a popular thing to say but I don't agree with it. Why worry about what you will be doing tomorrow let alone 50. Cross that bridge when you come to it. I have met happy 50+ year old guys who lived a life and never slowed down. One time in San Francisco I met a guy just like this. Bartender in one of the oldest joints on Broadway. Getting wasted on a Tuesday night. And loving life. To each his own.

[Rhody]

I was married for 12 years. There were ups and downs for sure. But the sex never left the relationship... until we got divorced. It never got as bad as once a month. It depends on the woman, I guess. If she acts like she's doing you a favor by having sex with you before you get involved, then it will be worse when you get married. Some women just don't like sex. Like WD said, if you are good at getting her off, she's going to want more of that.

It takes work. You have to try new things. You have to mix things up. You don't see too many married couples (or LTRs) having sex in a public restroom. Learn what she likes by exploring her body. Get her to talk about what she wants and then do it. Of course sex with the same person can become boring if you don't actively make it exciting.

A huge part of the game is reframing. Keeping a LTR exciting is reframing also. Just tell yourself that this is what excites you. Your excitement will likely excite her. If she gains a few pounds or changes in some way, just reframe it that she is exactly your type and she turns you on.

I think LTRs, including my marriage, fail because one or both of the parties start to reframe into negative situations. They start to say things to themselves like, "I just don't love this person anymore." The mind is powerful. Once you get into these thought processes, it's hard to pull out. But if you can say to yourself, "I love this person, she is the exact person who turns me on, I want to pull her out of that drive-thru window right now and fuck her," then that is your reality.

[Bull Run]

I agree with a lot of what you are saying. But..

Now let me ask you this...do you want to be the guy in the bar asking girls if they use the same shampoo when you are 50? Probably not.
That would be a lonely life.

That is a popular thing to say but I don't agree with it. Why worry about what you will be doing tomorrow let alone 50. Cross that bridge when you come to it. I have met happy 50+ year old guys who lived a life and never slowed down. One time in San Francisco I met a guy just like this. Bartender in one of the oldest joints on Broadway. Getting wasted on a Tuesday night. And loving life. To each his own.

By joining the community and making the decision to commit to this lifestyle I've often wondered if this seemingly small decision will end up having dramatic consequences as I age. Then again, life is what you make of it right? It's about your frame, always.