problem

[MagicBalls]

Well, there's this girl I really like. Over time I've developed feelings for her. Since the beginning she's always the one to say such things as "Let's get together for dinner." In the beginning I didn't give any indication that I wanted to pursue anything beyond friends, but she flirts with me alot.

So every time I talk to her, she exresses interest verbally, and so then I ask her out and she stands me up.

So I ask her out again. After not hearing from her that weekend, I send her a AFC email. Then she emails me back. Then I tell her we can talk about it. So she emails me the next day asking me when we're going to talk about it. I call her and we have a good talk. She apologizes, and we decide to get together Saturday.

So yesterday we IM each other back and forth while she's at work. By nightfall I notice that she's on myspace. It gets late and she's IM's that she's still at work. So I ask her if she wants to get together for lunch, and she's says ok, to give her a call.

Then I call this morning and her phone's off. She knows my schedule is extremely tight, but she didn't even bother to call or email. I'm pretty sure she's going to send me an email later saying that her phone died or something.

OK. So here's the question. What the hell is wrong with me for falling for it every time? lol

Honestly, I wouldn't have bothered if we didn't have such great chemistry. She always tells me that everytime we get together she has a lot of fun.

I'm not going to put energy into someone who doesn't express interest. And you know, even if she just wanted to be friends, I'd be perfectly fine with it, if she at least bothered to keep her appointments. This is the last time she's doing this to me, though. How can any one be this way? Why would she do this?

[Vector]

Reading this, two things come to mind. One is about the whole "you don't know what I'm going through and you don't bother to ask." What she's going through is not really relevant. If she's treating you badly because she's on drugs but she wants to quit, or if she treats you bad because she secretly gets a thrill out of it, or if it's because her dog died or whatever, sure you may be curious but ultimately it doesn't matter. The one exception is if there's a plausible reason to believe it is going to change dramatically and very soon.

Women rationalize bad treatment too and will even assist physically abusive men with their excuses. "He beats me because of such and such, he's really not a bad person." The reason is not really relevant, she's just avoiding a hard choice.

Remind yourself that your time is valuable too and that you respect yourself more than this.


The other thing I was going to say is to pay less attention to her words. Pay more attention to her actions. Her character and her intent will be much less confusing.

[LavianOrlandu]

I had a friend who used to do the same thing to me... and I just wanted to get together just to chillax and hang out! We'd talk about hanging out, so I'd arrange for a meetup at her place, at my place, at someplace, wherever. But everytime, she'd flake on me at the last minute. And I mean, the very last minute. As I'm driving up, she'll call and say she can't hang because of some lame excuse, yadda yadda. Sound familiar?

Reading solely based on what you've said, I would say that your friend is just looking for a nice way to say "No, I'm not interested." If she was interested, she'd make the time of day for you, no? You may need to employ some different technologies, or just shut her out for a couple of days and make yourself not so available. I say go out with your homeboys, go sarging, or call up a different girl for some fun. It'll help clear your head and gain some perspective. Plus, it'll make her think about what you're up to.

[Twitchy]

This is pretty common behavior. She is getting attention from you which makes her feel good. She keeps leading you along just enough to keep you coming around. Why she is doing this vs. actually wanting to date you only you can really answer but it probably comes down to attraction.

My advice? Your time is valuable and precious. Stay active, busy and do what you do without worrying about her. If she wants to try and get together, tell her that she has flaked on you too many times and that if she really wants to see you, she needs to come to your house or pick you up so that you know she will show otherwise, you have better things to do.

Don't be as available for IM, texts, phone calls or myspace. Take your sweet time responding to any of her messages.

When she realizes that you don't jump through her hoops, one of two things will happen. She will move on and seek her attention elsewhere. Or she will come into your frame as either friends or more.

Bottom line - you should be a busy PUA with a lot going on in your life. You don't have time for games. She needs to understand this.

[Scoundrel]

My schedule is tight also. When I make the time to spend it with someone and she flakes on me, it really pisses me off. But, the only thing you can do about it is stop buying into it. Face it; she does not see the value you have to offer. If she cannot see it, she’s blind and the harder you work the less respect she’ll have for you. Do not put up with her BS.

[Twitchy]

One more thing, when in situations like this, I always do the Brad Pitt test....

If I was Brad Pitt, would she be able to free up time to see me? If she has a good excuse, then no worries. However, you if you know she would free up whatever she had going on to see Brad Pitt, then she doesn't value you enough.

Anyone who is really into you will make the time to see you.

[TheAwakened]

A little while ago I posted about trying to start talking to an old oneitis again, and she's more or less the same way. A few days ago I wrote her a longass myspace message, that was, like your email, fairly AFC. But I told her that if she couldn't keep her word to me, I'm done with her, and I haven't heard from her since. As much as I wish we were talking again, I'm just not willing to put any more effort into a relationship in which I'm constantly wondering "Does she really give a shit?"

[Twitchy]

Writing long AFC type message shows that you are either too into them or that you have them on a pedastal.

No one can live up to your expecations if you have them on a pedastal which is what we typically do when we have one-it-is

The goal you want with any girl including one-it-is girls is that you are high value = hard to get which = aloof or not available.

Never send them an AFC message. It will do no good. Having something better to do with your time or jealousy are the only two switches that can spark attraction in these instances.

[MagicBalls]

That AFC email was written like an ultimatum. I wrote it not because I wanted her to react to it, but because at some point she needed to know that I didn't appreciate her treatment. But she made it a point for us to talk about it. And remember I'm still on her top friends list. So her messages are always mixed.

I don't have time for it. I'm been working on self-improvement for a long time in every aspect. It's me time. Me time. Time for myself, time to improve myself, time to take myself to new heights. Yup, you all right. No time for stupid girly bullshit. Besides, she used to be a 10, but she got fat.

[LavianOrlandu]

That's the spirit, Balls. If she doesn't want to hang out with you, that's tough shit for her.