Hey Guys, Hope your all doing great.
I have been reading some of the amazing advice from you guys and there is a topic of particular import that many of you circle back to. That is building comfort with the woman your with.
Now I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I can with little problem assemble a routine stack and go talk to a woman. For the most part, I know what each part of the stack, or story is supposed to do, however I do struggle with the logistics of building comfort. I get that someone (anyone) has to feel comfortable with you in order to build a relationship. What I don't understand are the key elements that should be observed and built upon in order to accomplish this goal.
This may come with more calibration on my part. Understanding the audience and guiding the conversation, but I wanted to ask about this. What do you guys see as the steps ( the key elements ) to building comfort?
Dallas PUA
The Pickup Artist Playground
Building Comfort 101
13 posts
• Page 1 of 2 • 1, 2
by Guest » Wed Jun 02, 2010 6:35 am
The first few things that come to mind are:
1. Figure out how to relate to them.
2. Learn what makes that person "tick".
3. If you want the other person to become comfortable and open up to you, you must open up to them.
4. Give them some insight into your personality.
1. Figure out how to relate to them.
2. Learn what makes that person "tick".
3. If you want the other person to become comfortable and open up to you, you must open up to them.
4. Give them some insight into your personality.
- Guest
by Guest » Wed Jun 02, 2010 11:20 am
What is comfort exactly? Generally, the word and concept of comfort have two very broad and slightly different meanings:
1) to give strength and hope to
2) to ease the grief or trouble of
For our purposes, as PUAs, the latter of the two definitions is not really all that applicable. So, let's focus on the former of the two.
Too often we don't fully understand what it means to be comfortable with another person, or people. Usually, we think of comfort as a a general feeling of well being and safety. And, while that is true, it doesn't take the concept of comfort far enough. Well being and safety are simply a component of comfort, not the definition of comfort.
Instead, comfort is the feeling of well being and safety that allows you to feel as if you can open up fully to another individual without fear of rejection or failure. Comfort occurs when another person gives you the strength to be you, 100% and unihibited.
In the natural course of life, women, generally, lack the feeling of safety and security that will allow them to open up fully to men. Because women are constant prey to men and their sexual advances, women learn to close off and clamp up until they are coaxed out of their shell. This is where a confident, strong man comes into play. In generating comfort, we are projecting our strength and confidence on women in such a way as to create an environment in which the girl feels safe, thus allowing her to feed off of your strength and open up fully.
Within that context, building comfort is all about doing the following:
1) Being strong and confident, but more importantly projecting this strength and confidence.
2) Understanding the dynamic that she has to feed off of your strength to feel safe enough and confident enough to open up to you. The key is to understand this dynamic without ever verbally expressing it to her.
3) Instilling the hope in her that you will be discrete about who she is and what she's all about. When she opens up, she has to think that you are not going to tell the world. If she wanted the world to know, she would tell them herself.
But, how do you do the above?
1) First, establish that you are not a threat. You are not a predator. In fact, create the dynamic that she is the one chasing you, not the other way around. This will lower her guard slightly and stop her from thinking that you're just another guy after her pussy.
2) Have fun with her. Joke around, play around. Be silly and goofy. If you can, run a time bridge/false reality routine where you talk about how the two of you are going to get married and then run off to New Zealand to raise pet rocks. Or, talk about doing something together in the future that you both enjoy. Make it fun and playful, position yourself as a playmate. Understand that humor is usually the best and greatest way to get other people to lower their guard when dealing with you.
3) Infuse a little sexual tension. This can easily be done through sexual innuendos and even bringing sex up in a non-threatening, fun way. If you run the New Zealand routine that I metioned above, then be sure to tell her that the pet rocks aren't allowed to sleep in the bed during 'intimate times.' If you talk about sex, in a fun and playful way, she'll still have her guard down and not think of you as predator and the mere presence of the dynamic of sex will make her think about sex with you.
4) Open up to her. Confide in her first. Tell her something that you don't usually tell people. It projects confidence for so many different reasons and it creates a safe environment.
5) Focus on her non-verbal cues. All women have tells. If she's interested and growing more interested her body language will tell you. It's up to you to intrepret these subtles and continue to create an environment of safety and security.
6) Share your personal philosophies on life. Tell her what your beliefs, values, and expectations are of yourself and with respect to other people.
7) Position yourself as virtuous with respect to sexual escalation. Women will give you small windows to allow you to escalate sexually. Don't be so eager as to jump through the first window. Take your time. Act oblivious and aloof but recognize when those opportunities present themselves. Sometimes, I blatantly call them out. I'll ask if they're trying to seduce me, then I say that I'm not a piece of meat. What I like to do is to ignore her windows, then create my own and smash right through it. Basically, escalate on your terms, not hers. And, be a little slower to escalate than she wants, sometimes the window is a shit test and if you take it she knows you're just after her puss.
1) to give strength and hope to
2) to ease the grief or trouble of
For our purposes, as PUAs, the latter of the two definitions is not really all that applicable. So, let's focus on the former of the two.
Too often we don't fully understand what it means to be comfortable with another person, or people. Usually, we think of comfort as a a general feeling of well being and safety. And, while that is true, it doesn't take the concept of comfort far enough. Well being and safety are simply a component of comfort, not the definition of comfort.
Instead, comfort is the feeling of well being and safety that allows you to feel as if you can open up fully to another individual without fear of rejection or failure. Comfort occurs when another person gives you the strength to be you, 100% and unihibited.
In the natural course of life, women, generally, lack the feeling of safety and security that will allow them to open up fully to men. Because women are constant prey to men and their sexual advances, women learn to close off and clamp up until they are coaxed out of their shell. This is where a confident, strong man comes into play. In generating comfort, we are projecting our strength and confidence on women in such a way as to create an environment in which the girl feels safe, thus allowing her to feed off of your strength and open up fully.
Within that context, building comfort is all about doing the following:
1) Being strong and confident, but more importantly projecting this strength and confidence.
2) Understanding the dynamic that she has to feed off of your strength to feel safe enough and confident enough to open up to you. The key is to understand this dynamic without ever verbally expressing it to her.
3) Instilling the hope in her that you will be discrete about who she is and what she's all about. When she opens up, she has to think that you are not going to tell the world. If she wanted the world to know, she would tell them herself.
But, how do you do the above?
1) First, establish that you are not a threat. You are not a predator. In fact, create the dynamic that she is the one chasing you, not the other way around. This will lower her guard slightly and stop her from thinking that you're just another guy after her pussy.
2) Have fun with her. Joke around, play around. Be silly and goofy. If you can, run a time bridge/false reality routine where you talk about how the two of you are going to get married and then run off to New Zealand to raise pet rocks. Or, talk about doing something together in the future that you both enjoy. Make it fun and playful, position yourself as a playmate. Understand that humor is usually the best and greatest way to get other people to lower their guard when dealing with you.
3) Infuse a little sexual tension. This can easily be done through sexual innuendos and even bringing sex up in a non-threatening, fun way. If you run the New Zealand routine that I metioned above, then be sure to tell her that the pet rocks aren't allowed to sleep in the bed during 'intimate times.' If you talk about sex, in a fun and playful way, she'll still have her guard down and not think of you as predator and the mere presence of the dynamic of sex will make her think about sex with you.
4) Open up to her. Confide in her first. Tell her something that you don't usually tell people. It projects confidence for so many different reasons and it creates a safe environment.
5) Focus on her non-verbal cues. All women have tells. If she's interested and growing more interested her body language will tell you. It's up to you to intrepret these subtles and continue to create an environment of safety and security.
6) Share your personal philosophies on life. Tell her what your beliefs, values, and expectations are of yourself and with respect to other people.
7) Position yourself as virtuous with respect to sexual escalation. Women will give you small windows to allow you to escalate sexually. Don't be so eager as to jump through the first window. Take your time. Act oblivious and aloof but recognize when those opportunities present themselves. Sometimes, I blatantly call them out. I'll ask if they're trying to seduce me, then I say that I'm not a piece of meat. What I like to do is to ignore her windows, then create my own and smash right through it. Basically, escalate on your terms, not hers. And, be a little slower to escalate than she wants, sometimes the window is a shit test and if you take it she knows you're just after her puss.
- Guest
by Guest » Thu Jun 03, 2010 1:57 am
BR, I couldnt ask for a better response, thank you.
I do have one question... You say:
[quote=bull run]1) First, establish that you are not a threat. You are not a predator. In fact, create the dynamic that she is the one chasing you, not the other way around. This will lower her guard slightly and stop her from thinking that you're just another guy after her pussy.[/quote]
So what in your opinion is the best way to do this. I often think that the canned openners I hear others use are to contrived. I mean really, who is going to go up to a complete stranger and ask them who they think lies more? To me, it comes off as try hard, attention seeking. I love situational openers, and generally I think they do a good job of accomplishing the above, especially when combined with proper non-verbal communication. However, I do not always find myself in a position to be commenting on something environmental, especially during night game. What are your thoughts on this.
I do have one question... You say:
[quote=bull run]1) First, establish that you are not a threat. You are not a predator. In fact, create the dynamic that she is the one chasing you, not the other way around. This will lower her guard slightly and stop her from thinking that you're just another guy after her pussy.[/quote]
So what in your opinion is the best way to do this. I often think that the canned openners I hear others use are to contrived. I mean really, who is going to go up to a complete stranger and ask them who they think lies more? To me, it comes off as try hard, attention seeking. I love situational openers, and generally I think they do a good job of accomplishing the above, especially when combined with proper non-verbal communication. However, I do not always find myself in a position to be commenting on something environmental, especially during night game. What are your thoughts on this.
- Guest
by Guest » Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:53 pm
This area is THE number one area where I'm blowing it. I wish there was a way to fake this one.
If I'm getting buying signs from a woman, I come out of my shell more and more. If I'm not, I go back into my shell more and more.
I will tell you, it's a LOT easier to establish comfort if she's giving you buying signs along the way.
I'm reading a book right now on rejection. They conducted experiments, where three people are in a room, and two of them are in on the experiment, the third party isn't. The two people will carry conversation and ostracize the third party from the conversation. What they notice is, typically, the ostracized party will make three attempts to get into the conversation. After three failures, the ostracized party gives up and withdraws.
When you aren't getting buying signs from the girl, it's nearly impossible to open up and be yourself. It's also harder to say or do something witty or funny.
Like, for example, the other night, I was in a set, and I was getting buying signs, and I said "Oh shit, you guys don't smell that one, do you? I think I just kind of dropped one...sorry about that." See, that's an example of making her feel more comfortable around you. You are admitting that you don't always conform to this picture perfect image of what society thinks we should all be like. But if I'm not getting the buying signs, I'm more uptight, and there's almost no chance I'm gonna say that and deliver it in a humorous way.
I just bought an e-book called "how to be funny". There's actually science behind this. I'm really hoping like hell I can pick SOMETHING up from this. Humor can get them smiling, which is a buying sign and that's what I need in order to continue to crawl out of my shell and establish comfort. If I stay in my shell, there's never gonna be any comfort. If I can figure out how to get humor into the picture when the buying signs aren't there, my games gonna improve a lot.
If I'm getting buying signs from a woman, I come out of my shell more and more. If I'm not, I go back into my shell more and more.
I will tell you, it's a LOT easier to establish comfort if she's giving you buying signs along the way.
I'm reading a book right now on rejection. They conducted experiments, where three people are in a room, and two of them are in on the experiment, the third party isn't. The two people will carry conversation and ostracize the third party from the conversation. What they notice is, typically, the ostracized party will make three attempts to get into the conversation. After three failures, the ostracized party gives up and withdraws.
When you aren't getting buying signs from the girl, it's nearly impossible to open up and be yourself. It's also harder to say or do something witty or funny.
Like, for example, the other night, I was in a set, and I was getting buying signs, and I said "Oh shit, you guys don't smell that one, do you? I think I just kind of dropped one...sorry about that." See, that's an example of making her feel more comfortable around you. You are admitting that you don't always conform to this picture perfect image of what society thinks we should all be like. But if I'm not getting the buying signs, I'm more uptight, and there's almost no chance I'm gonna say that and deliver it in a humorous way.
I just bought an e-book called "how to be funny". There's actually science behind this. I'm really hoping like hell I can pick SOMETHING up from this. Humor can get them smiling, which is a buying sign and that's what I need in order to continue to crawl out of my shell and establish comfort. If I stay in my shell, there's never gonna be any comfort. If I can figure out how to get humor into the picture when the buying signs aren't there, my games gonna improve a lot.
- Guest
by Guest » Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:21 am
I dug this out of its grave because it is solid and I would like to stir some interest over this topic. :D
BR's reply is awesome.
Anyone care to elaborate more on say, their favorite methods of generating deep comfort and connection. How important is humor in relation to comfort?
BR's reply is awesome.
Anyone care to elaborate more on say, their favorite methods of generating deep comfort and connection. How important is humor in relation to comfort?
- Guest
by Guest » Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:39 am
[QUOTE=Carnal;38728]How important is humor in relation to comfort?[/QUOTE]
The best way to answer this question is with a question. Go see a stand up comedian perform. How does that person make you feel after they're done with their set?
That right there will tell you how important humor is to creating comfort.
Also, humor allows you to get away with a lot of things that you otherwise wouldn't be allowed to get away with. Think of the courtroom. When there's an objection to a statement made by a lawyer that is stricken from the record that doesn't mean the jury didn't hear and process said statement/information. You can't take back what is said, just make it unofficial. Humor serves this function as well. An example:
HB Random: "You know what I was just thinking about?"
Bull Run: "Anal?"
HB Random: "Hahahaha...no, blah, blah, blah" In her mind though she's thinking anal.
Now, imagine how you can use humor to create massive comfort.
The best way to answer this question is with a question. Go see a stand up comedian perform. How does that person make you feel after they're done with their set?
That right there will tell you how important humor is to creating comfort.
Also, humor allows you to get away with a lot of things that you otherwise wouldn't be allowed to get away with. Think of the courtroom. When there's an objection to a statement made by a lawyer that is stricken from the record that doesn't mean the jury didn't hear and process said statement/information. You can't take back what is said, just make it unofficial. Humor serves this function as well. An example:
HB Random: "You know what I was just thinking about?"
Bull Run: "Anal?"
HB Random: "Hahahaha...no, blah, blah, blah" In her mind though she's thinking anal.
Now, imagine how you can use humor to create massive comfort.
- Guest
by Guest » Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:54 am
So this is something I really have struggled with, hence the original post.
Here is how I am progressing. Maybe it will give you insight.
As BR stated in his response..
[QUOTE]comfort is the feeling of well being and safety that allows you to feel as if you can open up fully to another individual without fear of rejection or failure.[/QUOTE]
So the two key words here are Safety and Well-being. I took on safety first and asked myself what elements are there that make a person feel safe.
This is what I came up with:
[LIST]
[*]Sterotyped looks - I got this from Brad P's fashion bible. Different women will feel safer around different looks. i adopted the casual business guy look, as I know of no woman who will feel unsafe with this look.
[*]Body Language - This subcommunication is huge for safety. BIG SMILES and slow confident walking help here.
[*]Communication Skills - Most people have this dialed in already, but it is all about tonality. Watch your tone and always make your tone upbeat and happy.
[/LIST]
These things will make her feel safe with you in the first few seconds, the next few minutes depend on what comes out of your mouth. Nothing projects a sense of safety like socially appropriate displays of humor. This is instinctual, as we will not be genuinely funny if we intend someone harm.
The next step for me was to understand Well-Being. How is Well Being different from safety? Well-Being is defined as " a good or satisfactory condition of existence." So how do you make someone feel good about being around you, and for me this was the hardest thing to get down. I still have not mastered this. I over think it all the time. I struggle with it.
There are a few things I have learned that help to bring on this state. Humor is definitely a part of it, and has been explored in detail. The other parts that have not been explored as deeply are rapport. So how do you gain rapport? A number of things can be done such as:
[LIST]
[*]Being empathetic - understanding a persons deeper motivations. - I wrote and article in tactics and techniques about this.
[*]Frame Setting - If they join your frame, them you are building rapport. Finesse's Picture Frame theory is gold here.
[*]Body Language Mirroring and Leading: Mirror your subjects body langauge for awhile.
[*]Us vs. Them: Put yourself on the same side of a battle as your target
[*]Touch or Kino. If you touch someone, it immediately implies deep rapport.
[/LIST]
My final challenge was recognizing when I was in comfort, and when I had more work to do. I don't always get this right either. However, body language leading is a great way to do it. Once I see that I am there, them I typically start teasing, and escalating.
Here is how I am progressing. Maybe it will give you insight.
As BR stated in his response..
[QUOTE]comfort is the feeling of well being and safety that allows you to feel as if you can open up fully to another individual without fear of rejection or failure.[/QUOTE]
So the two key words here are Safety and Well-being. I took on safety first and asked myself what elements are there that make a person feel safe.
This is what I came up with:
[LIST]
[*]Sterotyped looks - I got this from Brad P's fashion bible. Different women will feel safer around different looks. i adopted the casual business guy look, as I know of no woman who will feel unsafe with this look.
[*]Body Language - This subcommunication is huge for safety. BIG SMILES and slow confident walking help here.
[*]Communication Skills - Most people have this dialed in already, but it is all about tonality. Watch your tone and always make your tone upbeat and happy.
[/LIST]
These things will make her feel safe with you in the first few seconds, the next few minutes depend on what comes out of your mouth. Nothing projects a sense of safety like socially appropriate displays of humor. This is instinctual, as we will not be genuinely funny if we intend someone harm.
The next step for me was to understand Well-Being. How is Well Being different from safety? Well-Being is defined as " a good or satisfactory condition of existence." So how do you make someone feel good about being around you, and for me this was the hardest thing to get down. I still have not mastered this. I over think it all the time. I struggle with it.
There are a few things I have learned that help to bring on this state. Humor is definitely a part of it, and has been explored in detail. The other parts that have not been explored as deeply are rapport. So how do you gain rapport? A number of things can be done such as:
[LIST]
[*]Being empathetic - understanding a persons deeper motivations. - I wrote and article in tactics and techniques about this.
[*]Frame Setting - If they join your frame, them you are building rapport. Finesse's Picture Frame theory is gold here.
[*]Body Language Mirroring and Leading: Mirror your subjects body langauge for awhile.
[*]Us vs. Them: Put yourself on the same side of a battle as your target
[*]Touch or Kino. If you touch someone, it immediately implies deep rapport.
[/LIST]
My final challenge was recognizing when I was in comfort, and when I had more work to do. I don't always get this right either. However, body language leading is a great way to do it. Once I see that I am there, them I typically start teasing, and escalating.
- Guest
by Guest » Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:59 am
[QUOTE=Bull Run;36273]
4) Open up to her. Confide in her first. Tell her something that you don't usually tell people. It projects confidence for so many different reasons and it creates a safe environment.
[/QUOTE]
I think of myself, perhaps, as a shy person. I was definitely that for a while, up until a little bit before I joined the community. The thing is I do a lot of things that betray this shyness. I'm very social, I have the ability to meet new people quite easy, I've had the type of jobs that require good social skills, in which shyness is a major detriment. There are other examples I can mention, but despite all that, deep down inside I consider myself introverted.
I'm fine with that on a personal level, and I've even incorporated it into my game. To reveal this when you first meet a girl, and emotions are high, and you're sort of smiling about it, it comes off as a fun little routine to generate attraction. Lately though, I find myself revealing it to women in comfort, or after having had sex. I'm wondering if this is the right thing to do. Shyness is the opposite of confidence to most people. usually the women can't believe it's true about me, which is why it's an interesting tactic to me. It's also a very real part of my personality, but I'm wondering if I'm conveying weakness by revealing this.
4) Open up to her. Confide in her first. Tell her something that you don't usually tell people. It projects confidence for so many different reasons and it creates a safe environment.
[/QUOTE]
I think of myself, perhaps, as a shy person. I was definitely that for a while, up until a little bit before I joined the community. The thing is I do a lot of things that betray this shyness. I'm very social, I have the ability to meet new people quite easy, I've had the type of jobs that require good social skills, in which shyness is a major detriment. There are other examples I can mention, but despite all that, deep down inside I consider myself introverted.
I'm fine with that on a personal level, and I've even incorporated it into my game. To reveal this when you first meet a girl, and emotions are high, and you're sort of smiling about it, it comes off as a fun little routine to generate attraction. Lately though, I find myself revealing it to women in comfort, or after having had sex. I'm wondering if this is the right thing to do. Shyness is the opposite of confidence to most people. usually the women can't believe it's true about me, which is why it's an interesting tactic to me. It's also a very real part of my personality, but I'm wondering if I'm conveying weakness by revealing this.
- Guest
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