How to set the relationship boundary

[Guest]

I'm currently seeing this girl, hb8 spanish. When I first saw her I was instantly sexually attracted to her. So naturally, at first, I wanted a lay. But, as I've gotten to know her, I really like how flirtatious, sweet, and smart she is. She is relationship material.

So I would be interested in a relationship, but I'll be leaving Dallas soon, and want a more casual relationship. We're very passionate and things are moving really fast. I want to set the casual boundary before I sleep with her. I just don't know how to tell her. Does anyone have any advice on this? I know it sounds afc for this but we have connected really well and I don't want to hurt her.

[Guest]

If you haven't actually slept with her yet, and you're still talking to her you are already in a "boyfriend" frame.

I would say, "Look, I like you but I don't have time at the moment for a relationship, plus I am moving soon. Long distance relationships never work. I know I have been pursuing you with a relationship in mind and I shouldn't have done that. You're a great girl and I would love to continue to have fun with you, but I'm sorry for leading you on like this."

(Wait for her response)

Up until this point you have been telling her, whether you intended or not, that you wanted a relationship. If you truly want a "casual fuck buddy" then you have to start reframing the relationship. A reframe like this is possible, but 2 things could happen. 1) she only wants a relationship, thus if you say the above it will end you two. or 2) she'll be ok with it and submit to your new frame.

I would also only bring it up as you two are about to get it on. So that you give her the chance to back out while knowing the truth of what will happen in the future... if she decides to let you fuck her, then she's ok with the new arrangement, but most likely she will still want a relationship. Which you'll have to manage that. Either way, she has already been sizing you up as a relationship material.

[Guest]

Unfortunately, I probably have been giving off that vibe. She has, too. I like the way that you told me to reframe it. However, I don't think that I should say it right before. My reasoning is, I feel like she would feel like having sex was her responsibility. Isn't the proper way the guy that initiates and "it just happened"?

I'm seeing her this weekend and would like to get it out and in the open asap. Is there another point in time that you'd be able to say that line?

[Guest]

Personally, I think that due to how everything has been progressing so far, that would be the only option.

I didn't say stop progressing to sex! I just said, tell her and give her a little bit to think about it... do that thing where you freeze her out sort of.. except start making out again eventually sometime soon after you tell her. If she lets you then so be it. you've told her. But like I said, she's still going to think "relationship" despite you telling her. At least this way you can say, "I told you that I didn't want a relationship blah blah blah...."

Since you didn't give her that option up front , your fuck up, then it is the only right thing to do, meaning giving her that chance now.

Like I said... It could work, or it could back fire.

If you do tell her, from then on mind the boyfriend frame. Don't add to it. If you do, it's not fair to her.

[Guest]

Thanks Finesse. I'll do it.