escalating too fast without sufficient comfort

[Guest]

Scenario: You meet a girl at a bar, start making out within the first few minutes of meeting and then you guys quickly part ways without making a meaningful connection (other than locking lips). She might be totally into you that night, might even give you her number, but contacting her the next day is pretty much useless. You realize just how little you guys got to know each other, and it makes it seem as though sex is your only motive.

This has happened to me a few times, and I usually chalk it up as a fun little encounter and decide it's pointless to pursue. I'm interested, though, if anyone here has any damage control tips for this kind of situation.

Something I tried recently, I sent a text the very next day saying "Wow, we were both really wasted last night, but it was nice to meet you." She wrote back with "Sorry I was so drunk, it was nice to meet you to." This acknowledges the fact that what happened was out of the ordinary and unexpected. After that I ended the interaction and didn't try to push it. I figured that this would acknowledge that we don't really know enough about each other and that we don't have sufficient comfort to move forward.

It would seem that I'm stuck there, except that I know what bars this girl hangs out at, and another chance encounter seems inevitable (I used to see her out all the time before I met her). If I saw her again in person, I'm sure I could salvage things. I don't know if texting her again would be a good idea. I'm not sure what I would say, and I don't want to seem try-hard or creepy.

Anyway that's only one example of these kind of situations. Anyone have any general advice to recover from this sort of thing?

[Guest]

[QUOTE=Fuzz;34905]Scenario: You meet a girl at a bar, start making out within the first few minutes of meeting and then you guys quickly part ways without making a meaningful connection (other than locking lips). She might be totally into you that night, might even give you her number, but contacting her the next day is pretty much useless. You realize just how little you guys got to know each other, and it makes it seem as though sex is your only motive.

This has happened to me a few times, and I usually chalk it up as a fun little encounter and decide it's pointless to pursue. I'm interested, though, if anyone here has any damage control tips for this kind of situation.

Something I tried recently, I sent a text the very next day saying "Wow, we were both really wasted last night, but it was nice to meet you." She wrote back with "Sorry I was so drunk, it was nice to meet you to." This acknowledges the fact that what happened was out of the ordinary and unexpected. After that I ended the interaction and didn't try to push it. I figured that this would acknowledge that we don't really know enough about each other and that we don't have sufficient comfort to move forward.

It would seem that I'm stuck there, except that I know what bars this girl hangs out at, and another chance encounter seems inevitable (I used to see her out all the time before I met her). If I saw her again in person, I'm sure I could salvage things. I don't know if texting her again would be a good idea. I'm not sure what I would say, and I don't want to seem try-hard or creepy.

Anyway that's only one example of these kind of situations. Anyone have any general advice to recover from this sort of thing?[/QUOTE]


Your text destroys everything that happened the night before. By saying you were wasted, you just gave her an out of the interaction. The fact is that if you 'expect' for a girl to make out with you in a bar, tipsy or not, then you should never discount that activity the next day, or ever. If you say you were drunk, she's going to interpret that as rejection, so she's going to agree with you to save face. So, don't even imply that it was a mistake. Just act as if nothing major happened, because a couple of people making out in a bar is the rule, not the exception.

As for how to recover from a situation like this, it's simple. Delay the make out session until you've built a lot of comfort. The old hare vs. the tortoise adage is true. Being in a bar you're having a good time, you're having a few drinks, things just sort of happen and they happen fast without you really knowing what happened until it's happening or just happened. Women get caught up this type of environment, so I think you need to slow her down a little. You don't have to be low energy, but you do have to get her to stop and focus on you, even if only for a few minutes. Take your time with her, build comfort and rapport. Sure, you may not get a make out session, but that's ok because she'll remember what an idiot she was to make out with some random dude AND she'll remember that funny, charming, cool guy that she talked to a couple times that night as well.

The former is the hare, the latter the tortoise. Let her mug down with someone else that night, chances are good it doesn't go anywhere anyway. Women don't necessarily need comfort for a make out session, just booze, fun, energy, and attraction. You need to take it a step further and focus on comfort.

Myself, and most of the guys I've worked with, tend to spend most of the night with girl when we met them. Jumping them from locale to locale, building comfort. This is the best way to prevent flaking.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=Bull Run;34907]Just act as if nothing major happened, because a couple of people making out in a bar is the rule, not the exception.[/QUOTE]


Well, I was trying to do something specific in that situation because it's very likely I'll run into this girl again. I don't think I acted as though anything major happened, and I certainly wouldn't act that way if I saw her again. I guess my logic for sending that text was to remind her that I exist, and have her phone number, but that I'm not going to be needy and chase her especially when she hasn't revealed anything about herself that would make her seem special enough in my eyes from any other girl. I still feel pretty confident that I could salvage this in person with this particular girl, but who knows, I may be wrong. And honestly, it's not a big deal.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=Fuzz;34908]Well, I was trying to do something specific in that situation because it's very likely I'll run into this girl again. I don't think I acted as though anything major happened, and I certainly wouldn't act that way if I saw her again. I guess my logic for sending that text was to remind her that I exist, and have her phone number, but that I'm not going to be needy and chase her especially when she hasn't revealed anything about herself that would make her seem special enough in my eyes from any other girl. I still feel pretty confident that I could salvage this in person with this particular girl, but who knows, I may be wrong. And honestly, it's not a big deal.[/QUOTE]


My point is that just mentioning the make out session turns it into a bigger deal that it truly is. In addition, you took it a step further and implied that engaged in the make out session because you were drug. Saying you were drug is pretty much an excuse, and people only make excuses for behavior that is wrong or otherwise frowned upon. That's the only point I was making. By bringing it up and then excusing the make out session, you made the make out session a bigger deal that it is. That's what I mean by act as if nothing happened OR that what happened was supposed to happen.