I thought AA would be like anything else that you expose yourself to. For example, when I first started driving I was scared shitless, but now I do it so easily, it is almost secondhand. I can be on the phone, texting, listening to music and still drive just fine. I am never scared about driving.
But AA seems different. I thought after I started approaching it would go away. Instead I always get it before I go out. Then after I open some sets up I get in the social mood and have no problem opening. It is the first few that are so hard. It is so scary. Like anytime I am about to go out (especially to a club type venue, those are scary scary for me) I freak out, my stomach tenses up and I just feel so scared. It isn't logical at all. You could have opened sets all day yesterday, and you see that the disaster scenarios are not real. She doesn't have her bf beat you up. You don't get thrown out of the place and get so embarrassed you will never make it through a day again. She doesn't grab her glow in the dark vibrator out of her purse and beat you over the head with it. You know this stuff doesn't happen because you have approached many times before....but you still feel the fear. Even if you get blown out...it isn't that big of a deal. But it feels like it will be.
So...does AA ever completely go away? If not, that really sucks, I hate this feeling I get, I may go out to a bar/club venue tonight and I am mentally freaking out right now.
I am sure this has something to do with my wing dependency too.
