Me, Myself and Irony

[Neuromancer]

You guys are getting to know me, some better than others. Some of you know me as a high energy Kinetic guy who bounces from group to group, some know me as this mellow deeply introspective open guy who is interested in who you really are, and some know me as a guy who can look at a situation and usually give good advice. I can also be a know it all.

I have been looking at the different personalities in me the last day or so. I was thinking about how I was at Chaucer's on Tuesday, Minc and Club One on Thursday, Quarter bar on friday and at Rock tonight.

I was high energy at Chaucer's. It made me feel good about my overall social groove but I couldn't really connect. It made me a dick too. Not necessarily to everyone but I feel I was very self serving. I didn't really talk to people, I just patted them on the head and said "Yes you can be part of my scene." It wasn't my intent but I couldn't switch from the party guy frame to a more personable frame. I act that way as a social mechanism. I want people to think I am cool I guess. I do like being that social party guy. I like being the center of attention. With the right attitude and posture I really click with the scene. When it doesn't work for me, I look needy and mean spirited.

When I used to go out on dates and I dropped into this frame, it came off as I was trying too hard to impress my dates. Really I was. It was a Frame that works in a club scene. When in frame, I can attract well in the venue. I am a fun guy. Sometimes, I am THE fun guy. The down side is because I am in that frame, state is a better word because it is kind of a trance, I don't see the effect I have on individuals around me. I also don't see IOIs, proximity alerts are completely out the window and I don't see who I am brushing off, being a dick to or in some cases physically injuring (broke a girls nose once while dancing). I have turned friends into enemies, REALLY pissed of girls I really liked, in general burned a lot of bridges.

On Thrusday at Wizards, I walked in in party guy mode and it was wholly inappropriate for the situation. I was in state to go out clubbing but it wasn't a club environment or situation. It was like I was sitting there shouting "Hey, look at me! I'm cool!" I ejected from the scene and went to Minc. I rolled in there with that frame and smooth sailing. The scene was dead so I dropped out of party guy and went into the next frame. I sat down and talked to old acquaintances, people I have known but haven't seen for years. It was pure serendipity that they had a hand in running the club. I was interested in them and open about who I am. I was the buddy from way back when. We talked about what was different and the same in our lives. We talked about who we still knew, who we had seen and who had died. (a lot of old friends and acquaintances are dead.)

When the DJ who I promised to come and support came up, we all talked about how to promote the night, how to treat customers, how the venue reacts to the popularity of the night, and so on. When I am in buddy mode I am really interested the people I know. I am a close and open friend and and I sincerely want to support and help my friends. The downside is I get involved where I shouldn't, ask uncomfortable questions and give advice. I can seem nosy and a know it all. My DJ friend didn't take it that way but his promoter did. I was using my connections to help out and support. He saw me as a guy who thought he knew his job better than him (which I do incidentally but that's not the point).

I left Minc after a while and went to Club One to see a DJ I knew from way back. I had heard he was spinning there and I thought I would drop in and say hi. I was still in buddy mode and I rolled in and started talking about old times. We talked about the same things I had been talking to my other friend about earlier, dead friends and all. He introduced me to the girl who was hanging out in the DJ booth with us and she joined right in. Music, art, photography, fetish art, all the things common to the scene. She was pretty cool and a friend of my DJ friend so it was old buddies only we just met. She was cool to hang out with and we all got along great.

Here's what I missed. She wasn't seeing anyone, she thought I was the coolest guy, wanted me to look her up on my space, told me her email and what her myspace account was. After hanging out until the club closed, I said goodbye and headed home.

On the way home.... DING!... IOIs, I walked in neutral and went immediately high status. I was an old school friend of an old school DJ. I DHVed as a business man and artist, fetish pinup artist no less. I knew the music and the scene and had been part of it longer than most people in it new it existed. SHE FUCKING THREW HERSELF AT ME AND I NEVER EVEN SAW! I was the buddy. I usually only do that with guys or women I have known for a long time and have NO interest in. When I am in that mode, it's not about sarging. It's another trance state.

When women catch me in that state, they really dig me but because I am not thinking about who they are as a woman, I don't run attract game on them. I don't sarge them. I buddy them. The women I date rarely see this side of me. I have a boyfriend mode I go into that is similar, but it is more about getting to know who I'm fucking or trying to fuck. It takes a lot of energy to keep that up so when it burns out, the relationship gets stale and falls apart. Women don't want that either. They want buddy mode. They also want party mode when out because they know it's not about me trying to impress them, it's about everyone having fun.

I now also have sarge mode. At Quarter bar and at Rock, I went into sarge mode. It's a hit or miss mode. I have been programming it since I really got into the community. When it's running right, I see IOIs, I see Proximity alerts, I see SOIs and I fearlessly open sets. When It works that is. When it doesn't work it's static. I can't see anything. I lock up. Now when it does work there is also an under construction sign on a bridge 30 seconds into the set. I open, I flap my jaw, I see the body language and I run out of things to say. I haven't built that part of sarge mode yet.

Here's the thing. Sarge mode is huge case of mental masturbation. I have valid social modes that make me extremely desirable. When used appropriately they are both highly effective. What I should be doing is using the party guy and the buddy along with bits of other modes like customer service and the fun customer. I need to learn to read IOIs, IODs, body language and subtext while in Party mode. I need to learn to switch from one mode to another at the drop of a hat. I need to make transitions that allow me to move between modes without loosing the target. Foremost I need to add to buddy mode an escalation option so I can both give women access to that desirable man and also generate a physical intimacy option to keep me out of the friend zone.

I need to throw out boyfriend mode all together. All it does is self limit. It is all about giving targets what I think they want in a boyfriend. They want the buddy with some party guy thrown in and a healthy dose of the lover. The lover is high energy too but it's only during sexual intimacy which is all about energy exchange so it really isn't a burnout danger.

[V]

Have you read Robert Greene's book Art of Seduction? He talks about different types of seducers and how they interact with people. From the sound of things, you fall into the same category I do. You can morph into whatever it is people want in their life. Friend, lover, party guy, whatever.

I like you also have the same problem. I get into certain moods when they are inappropriate. What I would suggest doing is finding what catalysts trigger the moods. That way you can either eliminate it or activate it at will.

If you can't find them by yourself, try and get a close friend (or fellow sarger) who understands you as a person. Sometimes you can't figure things out by yourself so you need someone else to point things out for you.

Hope this helps.

[Neuromancer]

good advice. I am starting to recognize a lot about myself in going out as much as I do. The best thing about this community is the push towards positive introspection, the feedback on the boards and the positive feedback from my wings. One of the best parts is seeing myself coming along and knowing the inevitability of my success. This is really a magical time for me. I love who I am becoming.

[V]

Due to my financial situation I haven't gotten out as much as I would like to. However...

To me part of the Community itself is self improvement. Since I've been here I have seen so many stupid things I've done and where I could have gotten further initially.

In everyday conversations I have, I start to notice things I wouldn't have noticed otherwise so I know even just discovering the Community was worth the effort. I can't wait until my situation finally get straighted out. Then I'll be unstoppable.