How do you trust?

[El Fenix]

The more I see, the more I doubt that I can trust a woman enough to marry.

When a man wants out of a relationship, or cheats, she usually sees it coming. Men are usually blindsided. Research backs that up, btw.

I enjoy women very much, but how can you trust them?

[Skaldgrimnir]

Honestly, this is a subject I have had to think about a lot in the last year, since my wife "fell" for someone else. There were small deceptions and lies, and big deceptions and lies. She agreed to things, and then went back on it.

I cannot determine what she was thinking. But I can say that it fractured an implicit trust I had in her. And when I say implicit, I mean it. Had she told me she was kidnapped by aliens, fought a galactic war, and was a hero to the entire universe, I would have believed her.

The fact I discovered is that trust can be given initially, and trust can be rebuilt. It's hard as hell, and sometimes, it bites you in the ass, and you are surprised again (After all, my wife and I seperated about a month ago).

Now, I do not have a lot of experience in the pick up community; In fact, I am entering it to try and make myself into a high value man more than I am in it for any women.

I do have a little experience in building up broken trust again, but as I said, sometimes it shoots you in the foot.

However, it looks like you are trying to find a way to give that initial trust. I used to say this: "Trust until trust is broken. When it is, rip their freaking heart out." I have realized that trust will almost always be tested, if not broken. At that point it becomes a matter of what you can stand given your core values.

All in all, I can just say, try to trust, and you may find it easier than you think. And maybe it hurts to be surprised, but I think I prefer the idea I'd be surprised to the idea of always looking out for a betrayal. I spent the last year doing it, and it tore me up.

Sorry for the rambling, and not sure if it helped... but there it is.

[Howiestern]

The way I see it, today's society does not value marriage nor is it conducive to successful marriages. There's a reason the divorce rate is 60pct. Men and women are constantly interacting with members of the opposite sex on a daily basis. Relationships develop and with email, text messages, and cell phones it is easy to turn those relationships into something deeper and keep it all under the radar for a while.

Another thing is in the old days marriage was tied into religion. Today people aren't nearly as religious as they were. There was pressure from society to be married. We don't have that nowdays, in fact divorce is so common that a failed marriage really isn't frowned upon! Its pretty much accepted in our world. When things are accepted they tend to become "common".

Marriage worked real well when women stayed at home, cooked meals, and took care of kids. They weren't out in the public interacting. They didn't have careers that gave them power and boosted their confidence. Plastic surgery wasn't available to enhance their bodies and boost their confidence. The men made the money and controlled the money.

Now days women are considered to be on an almost equal playing field as men. They aren't feeling suppressed. They make good money. They've figured out they can raise kids on their own and don't necessarily need a man around to help them. The good looking confident ones know they can get whatever they want when they want from a man.

I was one of those guys that got blindsided after a 14year relationship(married the last 5) that started back in highschool. We had the perfect relationship, perfect life, bought whatever we wanted....had it all. Like Skalgrimnir said, I believed everything she told me.

The day came when she couldn't mentally take it any longer and told me she didn't want to be married anymore and couldnt love me like she used to. I started putting all the pieces together of what went down the last 3 months together and figured out all of the lies and deception.

Never forget that women are "natural" born players, we are not! They got the pussy, they set the stage!

So to summarize all this, to have a successful marriage there can't be any doubt! You have to trust them 100pct or you'll constantly be playing little shit tests on each other and neither will be happy. I guess it's a chance you have to take. When it comes down to it, and you are not sure if you can trust them or not.......quit listening to their words and let their actions speak for them.

No matter if you are trying to make a marriage work or driving racecars, flying fighterjets, or performing tricks on your crotchrocket, there can't be any doubt in your mind if you truly want to be successful at it. Time spent doubting is time lost to the pursuit of success.

One thing I learned in the end was my wife quit kissing me like she used to. I never realized it at the time, but I do know what that meant now! Kissing for women is a pretty deep thing and its a good sign that somethings up when they aren't into like they used to be.

There is nothing in a marriage that you can't have in a serious ltr. So why? Don't marry a woman because you think it will help keep her. Sometimes I feel like a marriage license is just a document for each other to get lazy. It's like it's some pseudo guarantee or something.

[playercool]

El Fenix,

That is a very good question. I tend to think I am a pretty good reader of people whether they are lieing or not. My last relationship was started with my ex lieing to me about some stuff. Well I picked up on it pretty quick. What sucks is that for the next 3 years I never fully trusted her.

Since I never trusted her I don't think I could ever 100% commit myself to her. So my advice would be this. If you are thinking you want to get married some day. When the time comes that you find the one just make sure you trust her 100%. I mean it has to be absolute genuine trust. She will know that to be the case and IMO she will love you even more. Almost in a sense that there is no way she would do something stupid to hurt you. If at any time you are doubting her and not trusting she will most likely prove you right and mess up.

[Kit]

Shit man, very profound! Did you get that from a book on marriage or is that just from your own experience? You are dead on.

Here is my theory... have you heard the lyrics of a song that says...

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

They are so true. I just can't stomach it though Marry the ugly ones, fuck the pretty ones and it's all good.

El Fenix, you are so right though, you don't see it coming from a woman. She won't leave you until she has another man which sucks too. They use us bad.

I bet even a large part of the 40% that stay married are cheating.

I don't know how to trust either but at least I am learning how to counter it.

[Lion]

This is so true. I might have to marry a virgin...do they still make those?

But no way I'm marrying an ug, I'd never take her out in public. I'm searching for a woman who doesn't drink (or rarely), never did drugs, doesn't smoke, less than 5 sexual partners, and is a 9 and a half or above. It's an exhaustive search, but if I have to sleep with every woman in the DFW metroplex, that's just what I'll do.

[Kit]

This is a great song and I highly recommend adding it to your ipod.

JIMMY SOUL - IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he marries her then she starts
Doing the things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife
Then you will be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly woman cooks meals on time
She'll always give you peace of mind

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

So if your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly her eyes don't match
Take it from me she's a better catch

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Say kid yes
I saw your wife the other day, uu huh
And she's ugly
Ha ha but she sure can cook

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

[dubya]

You could read a book like Sperm Wars and walk away thinking, wow their is no way to keep a woman faithful. The evidence is there. We are designed by our genes for the purpose of spreading our genes. Behind everything we do, say, think, feel, every lie we tell, every action we make; behind it all are the genes that we are made of. Genetics run the show. Who you are is dictated by your genes and what we do as human beings is dictated by what is optimal for the propagation of those genes. A woman therefor cheats on her husband because she has certain feelings (attraction and comfort) for another man and those feeling become overwhelming to her. But what she does not understand is that behind those feelings are chemicals. An attractive (healthy) man who is intelligent and confident (alpha/leader) smiles at her and her brain recognizing him as having genes with a high potential for survival releases chemicals her system every time he is around that makes her feel good. When she reacts to this good feeling the brain rewards her by releasing more chemicals which only push her into further action.

We are the victims of our own design. Women cheat and there isn't much you could do about it... If you take this belief then the rational idea is to just be okay with it. Understand that it will happen. Even let her know that you will understand and make discretion and protection the only issues of importance

You could do that and be content. I read an article not long ago that talked about the rise of diverse types of open relationships. A girl I had topless in my house last week has a fiance but believes in polyamory. I'm not complaining about their relationship and if I ever meet the fiance I may just introduce him to some of my single friends. Why not help a brother out...?

You could choose to believe that this is the most honest way to live. This is how we are programed or how we are really meant to be. Or you could believe that man (and woman) is more than the some of his (her) parts. You can choose to believe on a philosophical or spiritual level that we are not wholly automatons; that we are inherently possessed a freedom of choice an a conscious ability to override our unconscious motives.

Say, however that you do not choose such philosophical beliefs. Or rather that you think philosophy stems from the same unconscious level as everything else and is merely a method our genes use to distract us from what we really are. You can return to those books such as Sperm Wars and find another answer.

The bird discussed in the book act in specific ways. The female of the species seeks every opportunity to mate with the male birds that control the best territory. These are the alpha males of the species. They have the best territories. They are the ones with the best chances for survival. They are the guys that ever girl wants to "cheat" with. The only females in this species that don't cheat are the ones mated with these alpha males.

This may sound like more philosophy but so be it... If you don't want your woman cheating on you then become the type of man that she would cheat with... Being a PUA you are on the path to becoming such a man.

Also, and this is a slightly different topic but it now applies to this thread. Some of the above post... I wont mention which... is designed to elicit an emotional response from you without actually adding to the conversation. Ignore him.

[Kit]

If at any time you are doubting her and not trusting she will most likely prove you right and mess up.

Player I agree with what you said that we have to either trust them or leave them. Living in a relationship without trust is not healthy. They do need to earn that trust however.

I agree with you in theory but actually I think most women either cheat, or they don't cheat. Think about yourself. Are you a liar or not? Be honest with yourself since you don't have to tell any of us. If you're not a liar or a cheat, then it won't really matter what your girlfriend thinks or how she acts. You're going to act a certain way because it's your character.

I think if your ex lied, she was a liar in general. It was not your fault and I bet she will lie to the next guy and lied to the guy before you.

Women that lie and cheat have a way of making you feel like you were the cause of it.

[playercool]

Most lies are petty in nature and are typically done to protect the partner. For example if you are insecure you might ask do you think that guy is good looking. Now even though she thinks he is smoking hot she will say nah I don't think so. This is a retarted lie that is pointless.

I am just using this as an example. I hope that everyone here is secure enough to not even ask that question. It would be irresponsible of us to think she doesn't find other guys good looking.

I actually like when a girl lies to me. I immediately call her on it and then I know when/if she ever lies in the future. Everyone does a certain thing when they lie. Well everyone who isn't an amazing poker player does anyways.

Your right it is our character if we cheat or not. The problem is about a billion influences can easily get in the way of your character and make you cheat. That is where integrity starts to show it's ugly face. I say ugly because it is so freaking sad that most people in this world lack it(guys and girls).

We should just all set up lie detectors in our houses. In fact it should be just as common in new builds as the dishwasher. Hahah do you think that would curb cheating? If you have character and integrity you would have no problem with it. But then would you have trust?????????????????

I believe that everyone is inherently good. So until you screw up I will keep believing that statement. I think what it comes down to is you just have to find the right person. This person will share the same values that you do. It won't be rehearsed. You will know.

The only people I trust are my family. I know they will never screw me over. I can't say that about anyone else in my life even my best and longest friends. I have been screwed over too many times even by them.