if AFC is the crime, here is the punishment

[Welsh_Dragon]

I genuinely copied this from a "marriagebuilders" forum. It was recently referenced on ASF Relationships forum by Kwagmyre in a post about him assessing the local competition (love that guy). I wonder what the dude would think of my advice. There are some golden nuggets of understanding true female behaviour in here.



BACKGROUND: Married 5 years; two young children; been with wife for 10 years

My wife and I have been having some marital problems since having children. She just came back from a trip home. I found out by cell phone records that she got back in touch with a former high school boyfriend lover (I'm sure initially only as "friends" reconnecting) a few times. She has not seen him in over 10 years, but reconnected through classmates last year (she told me).

Upon finding out that she got in touch with him recently, I broke into her e-mail and have read some correspondence between them. Since she's been back, she has written him that she misses him and has sorrow in thinking about him. I do not believe that she had any physical contact with him, but the e-mails speak a lot about how great it was to reminisce about "wonderful" memories. She expresses that she regrets ever having broken up with him all those years ago.

The kicker is that she plans on going back next summer for a cruise with an old girlfriend, and would love to meet up with him again before and after. I feel that this emotional affair will eventually progress to a sexual one if they do meet up. I am committed to preventing that by giving her all the emotional support/conversation that she needs, but I think it will get smothering. Throughout our strife, she has said to me when I am nice that she does not know how to handle it b/c I'm not that way always and b/c she always feels that it is only temporary. Our arguments usually stem from a lack of intimacy from her to me. I'm will to endure that now if it will repair my marriage.

I'm torn in what to do. During the time she has been away, I've really missed her, and have expressed that I am willing to change...willing to put less pressure on her. I guess our marriage has been more of a cohabitat since our children were born. Less sex, more pressure, more arguments over sex, more arguments over child-rearing. I think that her emotional need is to get back to a simplier time...when she did not have all these responsibilities/pressures. However, I know in my heart that all the "wonderful" things of this past bf are just illusions as she does not remember all the not so wonderful things that caused them to argue and eventually break-up.

Needless to say, she has been "distant" since she has returned. I want to give her space to come and realize that her marriage and family mean more to her than this old love. I want to hope that she will be strong enough to resist these temptations, but I know that any future e-mail correspondance will only make her revert and take steps back. I, of course, will give her more of her needs to show that I am truly the man that she loves...not some fantasy. However, isn't that the issue with affairs...the fantasy (which always comes crashing down when they end).

I've asked her many times what is "wrong", but she is defensive and says just the usual pressures. However, she is obviously more emotional (crying more) due to missing this guy.

I desperately need advice as to how to deal with this. It pains me greatly to know that I have caused a rift between us due to my ass-inine treatment of her in the past - I just hope that I/we can repair that. But if I do not confront her about her meeting, will she be engaged enough to change? She asked me recently if I am accusing her of something (not knowing that I know and most likely out of guilt). I said no, not wanting to expose what I know. I want to call this former bf and talk to him - man to man - about how he lost his shot at being her emotional support when he broke up with her, and that he is going to damage my marriage. I don't know how it will go, but I hope that his "love" for her (yes, he and her have expressed that they still love each other) will allow him to step away and stop all e-mail/correspondance/etc. I think he is a good guy and would understand unless he is lonely. I think that my wife is more desperate than he is for a rekindling of something.

I've read Plan A, and am committed to it, but I really do believe that my wife still loves me and loves our children. I think those things alone may make her turnaround. However, I cannot be 100% sure. That is why I think that if I contact this guy, he may help me out by cutting off communication (or telling her that she should work on her marriage) as he is 2000 miles away. I'm willing to see if my actions over the next 6 months changes anything. Of course, if it doesn't, I'm keeping e-mail and phone records to show her that I know. I will also block her desire to go back home next year as I do not trust that she can be faithful (unless I get this old bf on board). I will of course only let him know that I know of their phone contact, and I will monitor the e-mails to see if he cuts it off or not.

I guess that I am asking if I am on a good track. Does this seem feasible or should I confront her sooner than later? I just think that confronting her now will only drive her away further b/c she will internalize me knowing and questioning her as me not trusting her. Thanks for all the help.

[Scoundrel]

This reminds me of an old Carry Grant movie called "The Grass is Greener." Every man in a long term relationship should watch it.

[MagicBalls]

Being in a marriage is a lot like being in a cult. You brainwash each other and do things that go far outside the boundaries of logic or reason.

As far as this guy, oh boy. He really needs to get a life. He might have the intention of only talking to her boyfriend, but he doesn't realize the feelings that may boil to the surface when he sees him, and then it's that movie with Richard Gere and that snow ball thingie.

[Rhody]

This guy thinks that his wife wants to fool around because he isn't nice enough to her. That clearly isn't the case. He sees plan A as giving her space, letting her realize that he's the love of her life, and then offering to change for her. He sees plan B as talking to the boyfriend behind her back and asking the boyfriend to step down to save their marriage.

He doesn't see the only plan is to confront her and tell her that SHE must change or he walks. Showing her that he's willing to walk isn't an option to him. She clearly offers way more value to the relationship than he does.

[MagicBalls]

This guy thinks that his wife wants to fool around because he isn't nice enough to her..... She clearly offers way more value to the relationship than he does.

I wonder what his work relationships are like. Probably not too different.

[realdice]

I think he's trying to fix the marriage the wrong way. He puts all the blame on himself when its something they should be working on together.

[Archaeopteryx]

I want to go punch this guy in the head. No wonder his wife is wanting to fuck another guy, he's been betatized by years of marriage.

It's like the time I was at Sherlock's and this girl was all over me, and her boyfriend was right there just standing there, occasionally mumbling to my wing that "That guy's an ass". This made him look even worse by comparison.

The situation was as if I were telling him "I'm going to do whatever I want with your girl, when I'm done you can have her back", and he was just standing there silent. I'm sure afterwards he stayed up thinking what he could do to keep from losing her, feeling more and more insecure, instead of walking away or even threatening to walk away.

Perhaps if a girl doesn't fear losing you she will test the bounderies until she can see what she can get away with. If you let her do this, she'll become unattracted.