Need help reconnecting with an ex.....

[Guest]

I don't know why, but I always end up reconnecting, hooking-up, and in some rare instances getting back with an ex when the holidays roll around. Sometimes it's a positive experience and sometimes it's not, but something about this time of year always puts me in that nostalgic state of mind for girls I've been with.

This year is no exception and I have my eyes set on this one girl who has been pretty much unattainable for a while now. The situation is that we dated on and off for about 4 years. Sometimes it was very casual, and sometimes it was very serious. We both admitted to each other that we were in love and it was the first time either of us had been in such a serious relationship. Eventually, she moved to NYC, and the circumstances behind it were a little weird. I didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, so I broke things off with her.

After that we talked for a little bit on the phone sometimes, and everything was fine until I had a moment of weakness and professed my love for her in the most beta of fashion after a long night of drinking. The needy display scared her off and made her cry like crazy the next day, and it was a purposeless and unnecessary gesture on my part, because even if she had told me she loved me back and missed me, it would've been impossible to get back together with her seeing as how we're in two different cities, and I'm not willing to move to NYC or anywhere else at this time in my life (I have a solid plan of goals and things I need to accomplish that I am sticking to like glue).

I felt bad for that interaction, and told her we shouldn't talk for a while. I told her to simply contact me when she was ready again. She hasn't yet. I broke the rules twice. Once to wish her a happy birthday through text (she replied positively) the second time was a futile e-mail attempt to reinitiate things, but also try to let her know that I'd moved on, and that I don't regret the relationship having ended. That message was essentially ignored.

So here I am. I've run into some of her old friends in town recently, and the spark has been reignited. I know she will be in town later in December, and I'd really like to reinitiate things, but I'm not sure how to go about doing this. My goal is not to get into a LTR with her, because I'm clearly not ready for that at this stage in my life (with her or anyone else), but perhaps more to have her as an option in the future, as I think she is a great girl, and could see myself in a LTR with her at some point once my life settles down a bit, and I accomplish some of my important long-standing goals.

I have also read up a lot of the material that's out there in the community about getting back with an ex. One thing that's suggested (and I know from personal experience works) is that something in your life has to have changed when you reconnect with your ex. This is supposed to make you more attractive in her eyes, and erase all your bad personality traits from the past by making it seem like you're a different person. I definitely have been going through some major life-changes recently that would undoubtedly impress her. But the circumstances being what they are, I have no idea how to subtly make her aware of them. And I don't know how I can possibly set up a situation in which she is chasing me.

[Guest]

So here are some possible strategies I've come up with. The problem is that I'm pretty sure I can only pick one without losing anymore value than I already have.

-Facebook

My Facebook account has been dormant for a long time now. I literally haven't touched it since 2007 or so. A lot of the friends I've made since then (including her) are not Facebook friends with me. Lately I've been thinking of getting back on there for professional reasons. I don't think I would try to friend her, but I would definitely become friends with a lot of people in her network, and my new online visibility could serve to pique her interest about me. I'd lose no value in doing this, but there would be no guarantee that I could snag her before she comes down in December.

-E-mail

I've already tried this one before, with no success, so there is a huge danger in going down this path again. I think the tone would have to be completely different. Next year I am going to be doing a lot of traveling, even probably leaving the country for an extended period of time. She doesn't know this, but if I were to see her in December it's probably the last time I'd be seeing her for a very very long time. What I can stress in the e-mail is this idea that it's very likely we'll never see each other again and that I'd like to take one final opportunity to say goodbye to her, and leave things on a good note. Pull the heart-strings a little bit. I could see her being receptive to this kind of reasoning, but at the same time, I'd lose a shit-ton of value if yet another one of my e-mails were ignored, especially one as possibly long-winded and heartfelt as this might require.

-Text

This one is probably the worst idea of the bunch, but I was thinking about sending a "ping" text. I have a photograph in my phone of a cat that looks just like hers. This is the cat she grew up with, who she had to give away sometime around the time we broke things off. I was thinking of sending her the picture, with a message that sort of disregards any agreement we made to not speak to each other. Some thing like "Sorry, but this was too adorable to not send you. She looks exactly like [cat's name]."

-Call

Man up and just call her and see what happens. A lot could go wrong with this. If she didn't pick up it'd be sure fire sign she never wants to speak to me again, and such a DLV that I'd have no choice but to erase her completely from my life to retain any personal dignity.

-Wait

It's entirely possible she may contact me someday out of the blue. I mean that would definitely give me a huge advantage. Unfortunately, this is the option I have the least control over.

That's all I can think of for now. Not 100% on any of these ideas so far except for combining the first and last. It's an interesting challenge. Hopefully some of you guys have some good advice.

[Guest]

My vote is for calling her.

All the other options you have no idea if she even got the message. You send an email and it goes to spam. She never even saw it. You think she never responded however she never even saw it.

You text her, however at that moment her phone just ran out of battery and was turned off. She never sees the text and you just think she never responded.

The whole facebook route just takes too long and the holidays are quickly evaporating.

Just pick up the phone and call her this evening. Most girls are more receptive to talk on a Sunday night. Monday and Tuesday nights will be good as well. You call her and she might very well answer. Bam you instantly have contact. She doesn't answer you can leave a voicemail. Hey "insert her name", this is Fuzz I will call you later. Ciao.

She might call you back. She might not. Who cares. Try her again the next day.

Keep the convo very natural, light, and IMO not too long. Just have a nice catch up convo and try to cut the thread leaving her wanting more. End it first before she does. 10-20 minutes or so should work well. Tell her when she is in town she can buy you Sushi or Hot Chocolate, so you guys can catch up in person.

Goodluck

[Guest]

Send her a message on facebook. That is your best bet.

DO NOT e-mail her. Ever. Especially a long-winded heartfelt e-mail. E-mail doesn't exist for girls, forget about it.

DO NOT send her a picture. Especially with the first words of the text being "sorry". Never apologize for trivial shit.

Don't call her. You may catch her in a bad mood. She may not answer. She may not be receptive.

Facebook message her. It will give her time to think of her response, and you time to think of your responses. You will need to gauge her response and receptiveness before you throw out the invite. Absolutely do not send a "heartfelt" message to her. You already beta'd her away once, don't do it a second time.

Send her a very simple, 1 to 2 sentence message and gauge her response. Something like..

"Hey, I think I know you! From another life maybe..."

Whatever it is, keep it short, simple, and sweet. On the 2nd message you can go a bit further. 3 or 4 sentences, still keeping it light. By the 3rd message you should invite her to whatever, tell her it will be a blast, and you will see her there. Don't go into anything heavy. You will drive her away.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=Fuzz;38575]I felt bad for that interaction, and told her we shouldn't talk for a while. I told her to simply contact me when she was ready again. She hasn't yet. I broke the rules twice. Once to wish her a happy birthday through text (she replied positively) the second time was a futile e-mail attempt to reinitiate things, but also try to let her know that I'd moved on, and that I don't regret the relationship having ended. That message was essentially ignored.[/QUOTE]

This seems strange to me, and it probably seems creepy to her. You NEVER send a message to someone telling them that you moved on. What's the point? If you move on, then you move on, which it seems like she has done. And good for her.

As a man, if you demonstrate that you're willing to walk away, then you walk away. You don't hover around and try to reinitiate. I say you should follow through on your word and let her go on with her life. I say you should demonstrate real change and find a new girl, not because that will attract her, but because I get the feeling from your posts that you need to stop recycling the same women over and over.

[Guest]

I agree with lion and facebook would be my suggestion. It's the least intrusive option. I mean people have over 1,000 friends and accept friend requests from strangers. So adding an ex as a friend is not uncommon. If she declines your request, at least you know where your relationship with her stands.

Now, this doesn't really answer your question, but this is my opinion on the whole situation.

I don't think you should contact her at all. It appears that you want to contact her to set the foundation, plant a seed if you will, for a potential serious LTR in the future (and maybe some holiday loving). If you bed her or past emotions resurface, it could potentially ruin any chance you may have with her in the future. If you tell her that you want to be with her, but can't, how do you think that would make her feel? Probably unsatisfied and fed up with the bs...

Personally, I would not contact her now. I would live my life and do my own thing. I would let her live her life and be her. I would contact her when i have gotten more settled down and are able to have a serious relationship with someone. This is when I would reach out to her and try to meet up. This is where I would express my desire to explore the possibilty of dating again, etc.

That's my opinion, take it for what it's worth.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=Rhody;38598]You NEVER send a message to someone telling them that you moved on. What's the point? [/QUOTE]

It was an attempt to regain power over the situation because the way things stood/stand, she holds all the cards. The idea was to instill a fear of loss in her. I'm tempted to post the e-mail for evaluation purposes, or at least pm it to interested parties, so that it wouldn't be out here in public.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=Fuzz;38604]It was an attempt to regain power over the situation because the way things stood/stand, she holds all the cards. The idea was to instill a fear of loss in her. I'm tempted to post the e-mail for evaluation purposes, or at least pm it to interested parties, so that it wouldn't be out here in public.[/QUOTE]

Long, drawn out, heartfelt e-mails do not give you power. They take away all your power. When a girl sends you a long, heartfelt e-mail and you ignore it [I]then[/I] you have the power.

The same reason you don't want to call her because you need to control your emotions. If you call her, it is likely that you will slip up and tell her you miss her or you want to try things again or any number of things you don't want to say to her.

Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it upbeat. Forget about telling her "I've moved on", you may as well say "I miss you so much...please come see me". Tell her nothing, SHOW her through your actions that you have moved on.

[Guest]

It actually wasn't too long nor "heartfelt", but maybe it came across wrong. If anyone would like to read and evaluate it, just pm me.

[Guest]

Yea, whatever you do, don't profess your love to her like what you see in rom-coms. As much as women say they want this, they don't. Believe me, I should know. In my beta afc days, I've sent a couple of heartfelt emails and made a feW phone calls expressing my feelings. And let me tell you, none of it made the relationships better. If anything, it made them worse, lol.

Instead, if you want her to know how you truly feel, show her through your actions.