Online Profile Deconstruction

[Guest]

Ok so i didn't want to hijack BR's thread because I am waiting to see what his next set of results produces. However, I did want to get a critique of my profile. Also I figure others can use this thread to get theirs reviewed. Have at it guys.

[QUOTE=About Me]I play piano like a kid out in the rain, no seriously, I know three whole songs!

I'll try almost anything once!

I have a passion for collecting shot glasses from around the world.

I have a 14 year old cat who can still kick ass and take names.

I help to entertain millions of people for a living. No Really!

I lost 60 lbs and I'm still going. I started at the beginning of 2010 seriously trying to lose weight, now I walk 3 miles a day (generally) and do a cardio regime. Can you keep up?

Have you ever felt a connection with someone you just met? Like you've known them your whole life? You feel completely comfortable with them and feel that you can do no wrong when they are around? That's what I looking for.

You must have passion! I dont care with what, but unless there is something that drives your life that isnt "partying", something real, I dont want to know you.

I try to always have an open mind. I love to argue. I will probably make fun of you!
[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=first date]
Let's go on a romantic weekend getaway to Tuscany... drink the finest wine in the world, tour the countryside on bicycles, and gaze into the evening sky as the sun sets over the Mediterranean. After that, we have to come back and go steal garden gnomes![/QUOTE]

[Guest]

[QUOTE=traxxus;38157]
I lost 60 lbs and I'm still going. I started at the beginning of 2010 seriously trying to lose weight, now I walk 3 miles a day (generally) and do a cardio regime. Can you keep up?

Have you ever felt a connection with someone you just met? Like you've known them your whole life? You feel completely comfortable with them and feel that you can do no wrong when they are around? That's what I looking for.
[/QUOTE]

I'd change these two to be a little less elaborate. "I recently started focusing on my health and fitness and have a pretty solid regimen...Can you keep up?" As for the 2nd part, I wouldn't make it so 'love of my life' heavy. You're looking for something worth your time and if that happens, so be it.

[Guest]

Go through your profile and critique each word you use. Are they all necessary? If not, delete them. Brevity is attractive. I'm doing the same in my writing and profile.

Change this:

I [COLOR=black]try to[/COLOR] always have an open mind. I love to argue. I will probably make fun of you!

To this:

I'm open-minded. I love debating. I will tease of you...

When possible, use 5 words instead of 10.

Use strong language. Get rid of probably words. All of your words should be definitive and communicate confidence through conviction.

Follow Smirks' advice too.

[Guest]

Traxxus, I thought the first part was fine. You were describing yourself in an interesting way.

[QUOTE=traxxus;38157]Have you ever felt a connection with someone you just met? Like you've known them your whole life? You feel completely comfortable with them and feel that you can do no wrong when they are around? That's what I looking for.[/QUOTE]

I don't know if you're trying to use NLP here. If so, I think you should have a call to action.

"Have you ever felt a connection with someone you just met? Like you've known them your whole life? And you feel completely comfortable with them and you [B]feel excited and curious[/B] to [B]take a chance[/B] and [B]find out where it leads[/B]? That's what I am looking for." [emphasis added to point out the call to action]

If you're not trying to use NLP, and probably even if you are (save it for an email), I would make it more specific about her. Use a description that she will identify with. She's a woman, so she already feels like she's a unique butterfly, so she'll definitely feel like you're talking about only her, even if your description applies to 90% of women. You've seen their profiles.

"What's unique about me? I'm a walking contradiction. I am just as comfortable in a dress as I am in jeans and a ball cap. I have a sarcastic sense of humor. Blah blah blah!"

They're all unique in exactly the same way!

[quote]You must have passion! I dont care with what, but unless there is something that drives your life that isnt "partying", something real, I dont want to know you.[/quote]

There's something I want to tweak about this. I think it's the "I don't want to know you" part. Try rephrasing it.

[quote]I try to always have an open mind. I love to argue. I will probably make fun of you![/quote]

Try to put more of a positive spin on this. There's one positive sentence and two negative sentences. The subcomunication is good, but the actual words are harsh. A woman doesn't want to date (or have sex with) a guy who loves to argue. Here's a suggestion:
"Whether through spirited debate, playful teasing, or deep conversation, I enjoy learning about different people and their varying points of view."
That reads somewhat dry, but you get the idea.

[Guest]

So I joined Match at the beginning of the week. I re-wrote my profile with heavy influence from Rhody's material since we are both targeting the same demographic. (early 30's, sometimes single moms). I also did speak to him about doing this and got his signoff, but I want to polish it a bit more, because there are some things that are identical and we both agree need to be changed.

Feedback of this is appreciated.

[QUOTE]You really shouldn't fall in love with me. I play piano by banging on the keys. I get into philosophical discussions about garden gnomes. Occasionally, I will make someone laugh at a funeral. I am way to ambitious for my own good. I am a dreamer who imagines up to 20 impossible things every day. I dance like a white guy, and sound like an out of tune harmonica when I sing. I love to mud wrestle with midgets and even win sometimes. I think I am better looking than Fabio on his best day. But the very worst thing of all, is that you might have fun hanging out with me, and we can't have that!

My children are my greatest influence, and have taught me many of the most important lessons I have learned. I'll try almost anything once. I always have passion for something in my life (right now it's for collecting shot glasses from around the world). I'm open minded, love debating, and will definitely tease you.

I use my analytical side for work, where I help to entertain millions of people every day. I use my creative side for play, making up random songs, attempting to play the aforementioned piano, and thinking of ways to make life interesting for my 14 year old cat.

What I'm looking for is a connection...."If your the droid I am looking for"..., then you get that quote, you have a great laugh, your independent, and you have a high threshold for pleasure. If this sounds like you, then send me a message. If not, then know that I will always have a special place in my heart for you...anonymous internet stranger.
[/QUOTE]

[Guest]

I think you have enough unique elements to make a great profile. I like some of the things you added to it. Some parts are too similar to mine, and I'd like to suggest changes not just because they're similar to mine, but also because they don't flow with your changes or could be worded better.

[QUOTE=traxxus;38684]You really shouldn't fall in love with me. I play piano by banging on the keys. I get into philosophical discussions about garden gnomes. Occasionally, I will make someone laugh at a funeral. I am way to ambitious for my own good. I am a dreamer who imagines up to 20 impossible things every day. I dance like a white guy, and sound like an out of tune harmonica when I sing. I love to mud wrestle with midgets and even win sometimes. I think I am better looking than Fabio on his best day. But the very worst thing of all, is that you might have fun hanging out with me, and we can't have that![/QUOTE]

I would change the first line because you could make something unique and powerful. I suggest, "If you're looking for a nice guy who will call you ten times a day and paint your toe nails, then you really shouldn't be reading this." Then the next sentence should be something true about you that contradicts the nice guy image, maybe something like, "I am too ambitious and independent for my own good" or "I'm a dreamer who imagines the impossible, but I'm too ambitious to accept the impossible." Then follow that up with the funny stuff.

One thing that comes to mind is, are these things true for you? Do you play the piano? Are you very ambitious? Are you a dreamer? I think this paragraph is more effective when it's a true disqualifier. So I would lose the stuff about mud wrestling with midgets, which is risky anyway (being non-PC, not mud wrestling midgets).

You get the purpose of the first paragraph, so that's awesome. Just keep tweaking it to make it more true for you and to make it 100% your own.

[quote]My children are my greatest influence, and have taught me many of the most important lessons I have learned. I'll try almost anything once. I always have passion for something in my life (right now it's for collecting shot glasses from around the world). I'm open minded, love debating, and will definitely tease you.[/quote]

I don't know if someone who loves debating is considered attractive. Say something more like, "while I can hold my own in a debate, I'm also interested in learning from people with different points of view," although if that's not true for you, then leave it the way it is. Be more playful about teasing her. I would say, "if you like being teased, then good. If you don't like it, then even better!"

[quote]I use my analytical side for work, where I help to entertain millions of people every day. I use my creative side for play, making up random songs, attempting to play the aforementioned piano, and thinking of ways to make life interesting for my 14 year old cat.[/quote]

Here's where it would be better if you deviate from the structure of my profile. "When I'm working, I help to entertain millions of people every day. When I play, I entertain myself by making up random songs and attempting to play the aformentioned piano."

This is also a good place to hint that you are sexual.

[quote]What I'm looking for is a connection...."If your the droid I am looking for"..., then you get that quote, you have a great laugh, your independent, and you have a high threshold for pleasure. If this sounds like you, then send me a message. If not, then know that I will always have a special place in my heart for you...anonymous internet stranger.[/quote]

I think the "anonymous Internet stranger" line is so counter-intuitive and powerful that it is memorable. I'm on match too, so if we encounter the same women, they might think something is up. They might not know exactly what's wrong, but they might get a negative feeling about both of us. I'm going to be selfish and ask to keep that one for myself, but I'll give it some thought and see if I can help you convey the same message.

I won't be able to post for a couple of days, but I'll get back to you with more feedback. Think about the concepts, why you like them, and how you can make them work for you and your unique qualities. Also, fix the instances of your/you're and to/too. Many women notice that stuff.

[Guest]

So I changed it up a bit more.

It's all true, even the wrestling part with my kids. Only not in the mud. It's even true that I made someone laugh out loud during a funeral ceremony. That is why I kept that part in there.

I changed the debating thing to deep conversations.. I'm really not sure what to do with it. I like having debating in there but I see your point that it could scare potentially suitable women off if they are afraid of conflict.

I also changed up the analytical/creative thing, but I am not really happy with it. It's the Tech Rockstar thing I don't like. Trying to figure out a way to say it so it doesn't sound like I am bragging.

Finally changed up the Anon Internet Stranger thing. I think it is different enough that it should work.

[QUOTE]If your looking for your prince, your white knight, someone to paint your toenails for you, or someone who will call you 10 times a day, then you shouldn't read this. I am way to ambitious and independent for my own good. I play piano by banging on the keys. I get into philosophical discussions about garden gnomes. Occasionally, I will make someone laugh at a funeral. I am a dreamer who imagines up to 20 impossible things every day. I dance like a white guy, and sound like an out of tune harmonica when I sing. I think I am better looking than Fabio on his best day. But the very worst thing of all, is that you might have fun hanging out with me, and we can't have that!

My children are my greatest influence, and have taught me many of the most important lessons I have learned. I'll try almost anything once. I always have passion for something in my life (right now it's for understanding social dynamics.) I'm open minded, love deep discussions, and will definitely tease you.

I'm a tech rockstar at work where I help to entertain millions of people every day. In my downtime, I can be highly creative making up random songs, attempting to play the aforementioned piano, and thinking of ingenious ways to make like interesting for my 14 year old cat.

What I'm looking for is a connection...."If your the droid I am looking for"..., then you get that quote, you have a great laugh, your independent, and you have a high threshold for pleasure. If this sounds like you, then send me a message. If not, then I wish you all the best, mystery Internet lady.[/QUOTE]

[Guest]

I think it's getting there. It definitely shows more of your own qualitites.

My comment about debating is that "I like to debate" can be interpreted to mean "I like to argue." That's why I changed it to, "while I can hold my own in a friendly debate, I also like to learn from people with different perspectives." That way, if a woman likes to have a spirited debate with an intelligent person she will interpret it positively, and if she doesn't like conversations where parties present opposing viewpoints she can still interpret it positively.

I like the "tech rockstar" part. It's cocky but not bragging, because it's vague. You can't say it's bragging, because it's unclear what you're bragging about. It's like saying, "I'm the king of the nerds." She's not going to take it that seriously. Also, the vagueness creates mystery.

And that brings me to two pointers about creating an online profile:
1. Be vague about facts and specific about feelings. Instead of saying, "I own an expensive boat," say, "I love the feel of flying as I skim across the lake." Instead of saying, "I have worked in IT for ten years," say, "I took the red pill so you don't have to. You're welcome." If you answer all her questions in your profile, then she will have nothing to ask you about. Leave some mystery.
2. Add things to your profile that give her a reason to open you. It could be an interesting picture, like BR's picture of him hanging from a tree. It could be something that girls respond to like certain movies, shopping, yoga, macaroni and cheese (I don't get this one, but it's true), etc. It could also be something to do with your dog or your nephew. Just put in a hook or two, because they're looking for something to bite down on.

I like what you did with the end. I would take it a step further and call her, "potentially weird stalker from the Intenet" or "potential Internet stalker." I would put a sign-off after that though to avoid confusion.

[quote]What I'm looking for is a connection... If you're the droid I'm looking for, then you get that quote, you have a great laugh, you're independent, and you have a high threshold for pleasure. If this sounds like you, then send me a message. If not, then I wish you all the best, potential Internet stalker.

Ciao,
Traxxus[/quote]