Need advice. What to do when single dad with 4 kids.

[Kyro]

BACKGROUD:
I have been apart from my ex wife for about a year. I have been working on getting back into the whole singles life again. I believe that you should be honest with the girls you talk to. I have a problem though with how to handle my special situation. The kids live at my house all the time. So it is hard to bring a girl back to my place. Also, my ex is like a 5th kid herself and will probably always be...so I end up having to take care of her like one because she will always be in my life from here on out because of the kids. We have a every other week schedule with the kids, but she ended up losing her place and I have had to help her by letting her move into the guest bedroom. She has a boyfriend and we are not at all interested in each other.

How to I handle the fact that I have four kids when sargin with women and the subject of kids comes up? In the past I have been honest and the girls look freaked out fast.

How to I handle the problem of not really having a place to bring them back to? I can't bring them to my place because the kids will be there or my ex wife, or both.

Thanks for any input or suggestions.

[quipster]

When the kids got brought up in the past you probably felt uncomfortable and the other women could tell. So I am going to say it is all in the delivery.

If I were in your shoes I would incorporate stories with your kids. Each story should show a little different side of you. I have several stories I use frequently that involve my mom, grand mother, Family etc.etc. to help build rapport and comfort and they usually eat it up and have a story to share right back. Maybe a story on how you remember seeing one of your kids for the first time but be detailed about it.

You dont need to bring her to your place. Just bounce back to her place or a hotel.

I probably wouldnt want to bring other women around the kids until you think she is a long term material. You do not want your kids or the g/f to get attached to each other, then that would make getting rid of her tough.

-quip

[Finesse]

Youre too nice. An ex and her boyfriend staying with you? Man.

I think that that would be a bigger problem than the kids.

I would qualify them on if they have thier own place or not, because you want a girl that is self sufficient. And then just bounce to their place. Thats the easiest way I can think of.

[Kyro]

Thanks for the help so far. Those are some good ideas. Please keep 'em coming.

ps
Finesse - bro I am not that nice. It is just simple economics.
4 kids + ex wife = $$$$$ in CS.
Or
In my case I worked out 4 kids + ex wife = help her out sometimes with time or $ limits and NO $$$$$ in CS. hahaha

[Finesse]

haha thats cool then man, didn't know all that.

[BluesCluesPUA]

I mulled over this for a little while deciding what advice to give. Finesse and quipster have given you some very practical advice for how to handle things in-field, but since the situation is unique to anything I've seen, I'd like to offer a more introspective look into the roots of what your problem may be. I suspect it might go beyond not having a feasible seduction location...

One of the most important things for you to do right now is make sure you have clear goals set. When you are "working on getting into singles life again," what exactly is it that you are aspiring to? When I think "singles," I think footloose and fancy-free, and with four kids you are probably anything but. Have you actually sat down and thought about what it is you want to accomplish and what is reasonable given your situation?

I'm also not clear on what your skill level is. You are asking about how to handle the problem of not having a place to bring them back to. Does that mean you are at a point where you need to bounce to a seduction location and have nowhere to take them, or are you even approaching consistently and building good comfort yet? I suggest evaluating exactly where you are now, where it is you want to be, and how you can go about getting there given your current situation. They say "having kids changes everything" for a reason: it does. Are you already a seasoned PUA? If not, do you have the time to go out several nights a week and approach the number of sets you'll need to become one? Is having a place to bring girls back to an issue for you right now, or is this a manifestation of approach anxiety?

Women come and go, but you have to live with yourself forever. So being ethical (and henceforth honest) is a good idea. But it's important that you choose how and when to be honest. Are you telling them about your kids while trying to DHV? Are you consistently making it to comfort and then blowing out in C2? When you say they've freaked out "in the past," what is it that you've been trying to do and how many times has it happened? What actually is it that's causing your problem? If her asking about kids causes you to blow out, maybe you can answer indirectly or find a C/F way to sidestep the question. You're not being dishonest if she forgets asking you the question and you never answer it. I wouldn't tell her you don't have kids, but if that's a part of your life you'd rather not share before you get comfortable with someone, I don't think it hurts to keep that information to yourself until you're a little farther in.

One thing I'm not entirely clear on is why you felt like you "have had to help her out." How is she your responsibility and when did you sign on for a fifth kid? Does she have a job? Why can't she get a place? Does she bring her boyfriend over to your house? Does he sleep there? Does he know that his girlfriend lives with you? (I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable dating a girl who is living with an ex.) Why can't she stay with him? How long have they been together? Is her boyfriend bonding with your kids? Are you really uninterested in her? If she is just a fifth kid herself and is living off you, tell her to get straight or you'll seek to have her parental rights terminated. Is not having to pay child support worth not having a home or a life of your own? What's the point of having that extra money if you aren't putting yourself in a position to be happy with it? Also, since child support is court-ordered, I don't think she has the power to relieve you of that obligation, regardless of any consideration she receives in exchange. So I'd look carefully into whether you're getting played. If she can't provide for the kids' basic needs (like shelter), you should have full custody, and she should be giving you the child support.

If you want advice beyond this, please clarify some of those points and I'll be happy to elaborate on anything specific. I've obviously made some assumptions here, so if anything I've said needs correcting, please do let me know. Best of luck to you sir.

[Rhody]

That is some good advice above. I agree that you might be subcommunicating something that causes her to freak out. If she asks you if you have kids and you say, "I have four," cringing like you're expecting her to freak out, then that might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have one kid myself, and I have primary custody, and honestly I don't remember a girl ever asking me in the field if I have kids. But when I do tell a girl, I act like it's no big deal. Try doing the same thing. But don't tell too many stories about your kids. I was talking to a woman last night who wouldn't shut up about her daughters. No matter how hard I would try to change the topic, she would just keep talking about her daughters. She was so boring! Try working in some exciting stories about how they were conceived, that would be better.

In fact, I thought of something for your situation. If she asks you if you have kids, just say "yes." If she asks you how many, you can say, "There were four of them the last time I counted." Then say something funny like, "you know what they say about rabbits? That's me. I am very fertile. In fact, you might not want to get too close or you might end up with triplets." Maybe say, "the two youngest kind of look like the mail man. I have to go back to the Maury Povich show to get the results of the paternity test."

As far as logistics, well, that's difficult. Are you saying your ex lives in your house? Or that your kids are always at your house and never at hers? That would make the logistics problem difficult, but like quipster said, there are options.

One last thing. Kids are social proof. Some woman actually had sex with you. Four times. At least!

[Kyro]

Once again thanks to everyone.

BluesClues86 check your PM.

Rhody - I agree that you might be subcommunicating something that causes her to freak out. If she asks you if you have kids and you say, "I have four," cringing like you're expecting her to freak out, then that might be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Me - Thanks man. I think you nailed it. I am going to work on my inner game with that and try some of your C&F lines. I like them.