"The Rules" for men...

[Guest]

Was cleaning out/formatting some old hard drives, and before the format was rummaging around.
Found this old text file which I thought others would find fun...

***** *****

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules! Please note - these are all numbered "1"
on purpose.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down... We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday - SPORTS. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints to not work. Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in any argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing
is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such subjects as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men don't mind that. It's like camping.

[Guest]

"1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing
is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle."

So true my friend.

[Guest]

Those damn shag carpet toilet seat covers. are they designed to make the lid fall down while we are peeing?

Don't forget the towels hanging on the towel racks. The racks are there so we can hang towels for convenience and use. If you want something nice hanging from the wall, hang a fucking picture.

[Guest]

And if you do hang towels up for show:

1: Expect us to use them
2: Don't be pissed when we do.

[Guest]

Oh, and while I'm on a roll, Why is it that you hang the John Wayne shit tickets when there is no one around and then hang up the nice soft stuff when people come over? Is my asshole less important than your Oprah book clubs? ... and you do realize we know where you hide the good stuff and use it anyway.