I Don't Care

[Neuromancer]

This is a free write so bare with me.

I don't know if I don't care or if I have worthiness issues. I have been slamming up against a wall the past month. January has sucked for me. Not because bad shit has been coming my way but because I am limiting myself professionally and personally. I haven't been opening sets, and while I have been opened a lot I haven't followed through. Occasionally I have had a good sarge but they haven't gone anywhere.

I feel good about the sarges but I haven't been able to follow up effectively. It's not just the sarges either. I haven't put much focus on business either. I haven't followed up on things I should have to generate profit. I have been sleeping late and not doing anything when I get up. This is putting a strain on my family.

Focus, I like that. I have no focus. When I go out I don't see sets. I see a wall of unavailable people and I can't distinguish them. I'm not reading the body language. My proximity alerts have been going off but I haven't seen the openings to use.

Sunday night a girl opened me UGgoth4 and told me she had been signalling for my attention and I hadn't noticed. Now Sunday I was holding court pretty well at the Church but Had no real success with any opens. Friday night was the same way. I knew one of the owners of the venue that I bounced to after the beagle and I had old school social proof in the crowd. I had some good targets but I never followed up. At the Beagle it was the same way. I just didn't see the targets.

It's driving me nuts. I can't say that I feel actively unworthy but I find myself just avoiding doing things that will help me make progress. I'm not really predisqualifying myself. I just don't have something that is driving me to make any progress. That's part of why I am doing this as a free right.

Welsh Dragon was asking me tonight at Chaucer's what I was looking for. The grand response to that is that I am looking for the Hef in me. I want his success in business and with women. I know it's in me I just haven't found it and I don't know where to look.

I'm and artist and I haven't drawn a picture in months. I have done some solid simple design but nothing that even vaguely pushed my creativity. I have a line on a web site that I will get paid for doing and I haven't done a thing to actually close the deal or even make something I can show. Potential customers are giving feed back to those around me that they talked to me about work but I haven't followed though. Of course I know those situations and they all wanted me to make something to show them but didn't have any money to put into it.

It's like I'm on hold, like I am at the starting chalks in a foot race and I'm waiting for someone to fire the starting gun. The thing is, I am the only one in the race and I can start whenever I want.

Where is my drive? Why don't I care? WHAT THE FUCK AM I WAITING FOR? I want out of this holding pattern. I want HBwatress I #closed. I want HBPatsy Kensit I #closed. I want HBChaucersgoth *closed. I want HBChaucers party girl I *and#closed and have been working for a month and a half. I want HBGerman girl I should have gamed tonight. Hell I would take UGgoth4 who opened me as an interrum step towards the HBs I know are out there and dig me.

Where is the spark. Where is the starting gun. Why am I not using the skills I have had for years that I KNOW work. I used to limit myself because of blatant feelings of unworthiness. I know better now. I Don't have THOSE FEELINGS anymore. This is different. I felt like a failure. that is why I changed. That is why I gave up my old profession. That is why I am an artist now. I know I am good at what I do. Maybe that's it, I failed badly once with my life. I'm afraid to do it again.

I know if I don't risk I can't succeed. If I don't risk it is failure. who dares wins.

I need to succeed and succeed hard. I need Doyles "Dare to be great" situation. I can't find it in my cocoon. I hate this cocoon. I want out like Pink in The Wall.

I'm an artist and I'm brilliant. (I also must be true to the free write and put that last line back in after I deleted it.)

Where do I go from here?[/u]

[V]

I'm empathetic to your situation. Currently i don't have a job and make very little money from graphic design side jobs. What you need to think about the situation though is not the fact that you want out of your rut. Simply wanting out of the rut is not going to change your situation.

What I've tried on my end, I do small things that bring me happiness. When the small things build up, it'll branch out into other areas of your life. When I'm happy, I become motivated.

Am I making sense?

[Neuromancer]

Am I making sense?

Yup. I looked up an old friend and master stylist today and I gave her carte blance. I go in next tuesday to get my artists makeover.

I am working on that web site I can get some money from and they like it so far. I think sarging is gonna take a back seat to business for a bit. That doesn't mean I am not going out. I am going out and I will sarge. I think being business oriented will also help my inner game and I will be more laid back and coherent in my sarges.

I think I will focus more on my art too. That drive should help with intent too.

[Hunter Rose]

I'm kinda in the same boat in terms of needing to start drawing
again. I've been thinking of a few ways that I could combine that
with the various PUA skills that I'm working on getting.

One possible suggestion to combine the lack of drawing with sarging
is to bring a small pocket sketchbook with you when you go out.
(Roughly the size of some index cards.) When you're in between sets,
you could snag a seat somewhere and just start doing quick figure
drawings of whoever catches your fancy. Works great for gesture
drawing practice, and it tends to attract notice from other people.
It could be a great DHV to be able to sketch up a nice pic of a chick,
and then it's a great way to get an e-mail or phone number if they
want to get a copy of the drawing.


Hunter Rose

[V]

Am I making sense?

Yup. I looked up an old friend and master stylist today and I gave her carte blance. I go in next tuesday to get my artists makeover.

I am working on that web site I can get some money from and they like it so far. I think sarging is gonna take a back seat to business for a bit. That doesn't mean I am not going out. I am going out and I will sarge. I think being business oriented will also help my inner game and I will be more laid back and coherent in my sarges.

I think I will focus more on my art too. That drive should help with intent too.

It's a good thing you realize this. I came on a quote earlier from another forum that I visit.

"Everyone wants to be great, but very few people are willing to put in the work necessary to be great."

Will and desire alone are not enough. Good to see you're following through.