Calibrating - Good for PU, Bad for Inner Game

[Bull Run]

We hear a lot abot calibrating. You have to feel everything out in PU in order to calibrate your personality to the venue, set, targets, day time/ night time, etc. Now, I'm of the belief that our personalities are multi-faceted and very flexible but lately I've been struggling with the importance of being flexible and what it does to your PU Game and to your Inner Game.

Let me elaborate.

Calibrating in PU. Like I said above, people's personalities are very versatile. If you're anything like me you can easily fit in at a professional black tie event or at a hole in the wall dive bar. In many, many ways society dictates to you how you should act. I understand this and respect this fact. HOWEVER, what about in PU? Should your targets dictate your personality, identity?

When I first started PU, I quickly learned to adopt the personality and energy of the set I was working. Doing so made me very successful, but I feel it weakened my frame. Other people defined who I was. I was vying for their approval by changing to suit their wants and desires. I feel like doing so made me very successful at the initial pull, but much less so as time went on, read day 2, 3, 4, 5, etc. I mean think about it, how often have you heard from a wing that you got blown out because you weren't properly calibrated? Way too much I bet...

In short, I had become a Social Chameleon. I was able to adapt to sets so as to prevent from being blown out. Doing so weakened my frame because I was constantly waiting for the external world to define my personality.

Calibrating in Inner Game. I would venture to say that it almost doesn't exist. I think about all of the guys I've ever met in my life that had a really strong frame and I realize that they were themselves at all times. Sure they could tone it up or down, but for the most part remained true to themselves regardless of the feedback from the external world. And, this is exactly what I think Inner Game means. It means having a strong identity, never supplicating to others just to be liked. You walk through the world with the knowledge that you're the shit and everyone else can take it or leave it.

Theoretically not calibirating because of a strong identity would mean that you get blown out a lot more frequently than if you do constantly change to suit the personality of the set you're working. In practice, I think it's quite the opposite. Imagine a world in which your frame is so strong, your Inner Game is so solid that others begin to change their personalities to gain your approval.

Sure, you're going to come off as an ass to a lot of people. But, who's to say when you do calibirate that people don't think of you as weak and pliable or even worse don't think of you at all?

Find out who you are and what you stand for. Do what makes you happy. Don't concern yourself with what others think of you. Lead the interaction within the confines of your frame. Be the bigger dick. But do this in a way that doesn't require that you brag or show off. It's a hard thing to achieve and I'm still working on it but I'm no longer concerned with calibrating in set as much as I used to be. Take it or leave it, that's my mentality. Usually they won't take it or leave it, they'll want it.

[Smirks]

This is definitely a valid point, and I could see how both sides (Calibrate or not to Calibrate, that is the question...) could be argued 'til the cows came home.

I'm a calibrator.

It all depends on the person. I am who I am, but who I am is a piece that can fit nearly any puzzle. Sure I can make friends with a lamp post, but I don't waiver in who I actually am.

You are a guy with a very strong frame, and it fits who you are. Some, including myself, just don't have a congruent personality to fit such a frame. It's been said by many before, my game has a heavy "boyish charm" element in it. I'm just not going to be successful running sets like you and PP do. Don't get me wrong, there are bits and pieces that can and do work...because...you two have rubbed off on me a bit...but I seriously doubt my frame will become identical to either of yours.

K I think I'm rambling, but what I'm trying to say is I look at calibration as more of a "making yourself comfortable in what ever situation you just walked in to" rather than a "making myself congruent to the situation I just walked in to." You could also argue those are the same, but to me...totally different.

ciao.

[Vector]

Interesting post. I have to say though, that calibration means something very different to me.

To me, calibration is more about recognizing her state, and doing what you're going to do anyway, but at the right time. Like knowing when to go for the kiss. Or perhaps after qualification you might give her a compliment, but if you can tell that expressing interest is making her uncomfortable, you can follow up with "... too bad you're not my type."

So to me, calibration has never been about adjusting who you are to fit her. It's adjusting the pace to fit what she's ready for. It's about keeping her comfortable (enough) while progressing with the seduction as quickly as possible.

[DateDemon]

I don't think calibrating and having a strong frame are exclusive at all. According to your theory having an extremely strong frame means you would act the same with every girl. That's like saying anyone that doesn't shake my hand doesn't respect me and I am awesome. Then meeting someone with a broken hand or something and being like fuck this person they didn't shake my hand. When if you calibrated and reacted according to the situation you would be like ahh their hand is broken I am still freaking awesome but they don't have to shake my hand today.

Not the best example but you get what I mean. There is no reason you can't calibrate yourself to the situation and maintain who you are.

[Bull Run]

I look at calibration as more of a "making yourself comfortable in what ever situation you just walked in to" rather than a "making myself congruent to the situation I just walked in to." You could also argue those are the same, but to me...totally different.

No, I think these are totally different and fit into exactly what I was saying. You can do things to adjust yourself to make yourself more comfortable, I think that's very good for Inner Game because you're focused on how you feel and that's the priority. When you adjust yourself to the situation so that you fit into the situation then I think you're doing yourself a disservice by 'selling out' to that of the desires of the group/situation.

calibration has never been about adjusting who you are to fit her. It's adjusting the pace to fit what she's ready for. It's about keeping her comfortable (enough) while progressing with the seduction as quickly as possible.

This makes a lot of sense and I find it a compelling way of viewing the world. However, I've found that if you have a strong enough frame your target is going to be willing to do things that she otherwise may not at a pace that she may have never experienced. Your frame should be strong enough to pull her out of her comfort zone and place her in your world. Still though I like the way you define calibration. It indicates to me that it's yet another one of those PUA definitions that no one completely agrees upon.

I don't think calibrating and having a strong frame are exclusive at all. According to your theory having an extremely strong frame means you would act the same with every girl. That's like saying anyone that doesn't shake my hand doesn't respect me and I am awesome. Then meeting someone with a broken hand or something and being like fuck this person they didn't shake my hand. When if you calibrated and reacted according to the situation you would be like ahh their hand is broken I am still freaking awesome but they don't have to shake my hand today.

Not the best example but you get what I mean. There is no reason you can't calibrate yourself to the situation and maintain who you are.

You're right, this isn't the greatest example. But, I think you're referring more to social calibration. Everyone does this to a certain extent and it's necessary to function in the world. For instance, I tone my Game down at the office. I don't escilate when otherwise I would. Sure I'll build attraction but never will I pursue. It's just not professional. So, I've calibrated my personality slightly to act in a way that society demands.

And, yes I do act very much the same way with every girl I'm running Game on. Period. When I pull I know it's because they like me for me. That's what this should all be about. Does it hurt my success? Don't know because I still pull as many women today as I did when I was constantly calibrating myself to fit into their verision of the world.

The best example I can think of is to use politics. Every politician has a solid base of supports that represents their core beliefs. Initially in a campaign they start with this base to build momentum and support. Then, the politician begins to slightly calibrate these core beliefs to make themselves more appealing to other groups. Generally, that's how one wins elections. Funny thing is if you look at some of our most successful and beloved politicians they never really strayed too far from their core beliefs, actually they defended them and held true to them. In my opinion that's what having a strong frame is all about. These popular politicians had Inner Game down and people were drawn to them. A great example: Ronald Reagan. He was very well received by the public, across both isles, precisely because he didn't waiver from his convictions, he didn't calibrate his beliefs. Instead, he calibrated how he delievered his message. And, if calibration is good for anything its exactly that...you calibrate your message so as to present it in a form that's not too visceral to your audience. You don't calibrate yourself.

[Twitchy]

I think being able to calibrate is one of the signs of a true leader. It shows that you are able to connect with someone on many levels, that you are not afraid of tapping into one of the many aspects of your personality to align with who you are talking to and shows that you are multi-dimensional.

For example, I speak very differently to a techie/engineer type than I do to a sales/marketing type of person. I don't lose myself by doing this and am able to make a stronger connection with who I am having a conversation with.

I believe that who I am communicating with appreciates that I do this and respects / thinks highly of me for the ability to do it.

Have you ever had someone who is very knowledgeable in an area "speak above" you? Use terminology or acronyms that you do not understand or discuss concepts that you are unfamiliar about?

When this happens, how do you feel? You either feel stupid for not understanding, or you think that the other person is stupid for not being able to communicate like a normal human being.

The same thing goes for just casual conversation. If a girl you are talking to is interested in let's say fashion for example, and you don't have a passion for it but know a few good nuggets of information you picked up from TV, you don't lose yourself by discussing fashion with that person. Instead, you connected with who you are talking to about something they are passionate about. This is a good thing.

This should validate your "inner game", not tear it down, as you just demonstrated that you have social skills and can connect with someone about something they were interested in talking about.

A great example of a leader who can calibrate is George Clooney. Every interview or write up on him talks about how down to earth he is, about how he makes who he is hanging out with feel at home, how he is willing to discuss and show interest in what his guests are interested in. I highly doubt that he sacrifices his "inner game" by doing this.

[Bull Run]

I think being able to calibrate is one of the signs of a true leader. It shows that you are able to connect with someone on many levels, that you are not afraid of tapping into one of the many aspects of your personality to align with who you are talking to and shows that you are multi-dimensional.

For example, I speak very differently to a techie/engineer type than I do to a sales/marketing type of person. I don't lose myself by doing this and am able to make a stronger connection with who I am having a conversation with.

I believe that who I am communicating with appreciates that I do this and respects / thinks highly of me for the ability to do it.

Have you ever had someone who is very knowledgeable in an area "speak above" you? Use terminology or acronyms that you do not understand or discuss concepts that you are unfamiliar about?

When this happens, how do you feel? You either feel stupid for not understanding, or you think that the other person is stupid for not being able to communicate like a normal human being.

The same thing goes for just casual conversation. If a girl you are talking to is interested in let's say fashion for example, and you don't have a passion for it but know a few good nuggets of information you picked up from TV, you don't lose yourself by discussing fashion with that person. Instead, you connected with who you are talking to about something they are passionate about. This is a good thing.

This should validate your "inner game", not tear it down, as you just demonstrated that you have social skills and can connect with someone about something they were interested in talking about.

A great example of a leader who can calibrate is George Clooney. Every interview or write up on him talks about how down to earth he is, about how he makes who he is hanging out with feel at home, how he is willing to discuss and show interest in what his guests are interested in. I highly doubt that he sacrifices his "inner game" by doing this.

I agree, but again this is more or less social calibration.

I'm referring to when you see guys completely change their personae just to make themselves appealing to other people.

[DateDemon]

I think we are all talking about different things it seems. We seem to have different ideas of calibration.

A great example: Ronald Reagan. He was very well received by the public, across both isles, precisely because he didn't waiver from his convictions, he didn't calibrate his beliefs. Instead, he calibrated how he delievered his message. And, if calibration is good for anything its exactly that...you calibrate your message so as to present it in a form that's not too visceral to your audience. You don't calibrate yourself.

I never said you had to calibrate your beliefs. I think calibration can be mutually exclusive from a strong frame. Whenever we discuss this you just say oh thats "social calibration" isn't that what we are talking about??? How can calibration not be social since you are calibrating based on someone else's interaction with you. Just because you have a certain belief doesn't mean you can't calibrate to someone without changing your belief.

I really like that example Twitchy gave

For example, I speak very differently to a techie/engineer type than I do to a sales/marketing type of person.

He is calibrating but I wouldn't say he is changing his beliefs or who he is because of it.

[El Fenix]

The concept of "mirroring" is important in body language and interists in building rapport.
We naturally gravitate to those, and feel comfortable around, people we have a lot in common with. It's also how we get along with most of our friends.

Attraction may be a different story, and it probably is. It's hard to deny the basic "that's awesome! me too!" concept for finding commonalities, and building rapport through it.

[Bull Run]

I think we are all talking about different things it seems. We seem to have different ideas of calibration.

A great example: Ronald Reagan. He was very well received by the public, across both isles, precisely because he didn't waiver from his convictions, he didn't calibrate his beliefs. Instead, he calibrated how he delievered his message. And, if calibration is good for anything its exactly that...you calibrate your message so as to present it in a form that's not too visceral to your audience. You don't calibrate yourself.

I never said you had to calibrate your beliefs. I think calibration can be mutually exclusive from a strong frame. Whenever we discuss this you just say oh thats "social calibration" isn't that what we are talking about??? How can calibration not be social since you are calibrating based on someone else's interaction with you. Just because you have a certain belief doesn't mean you can't calibrate to someone without changing your belief.

I really like that example Twitchy gave

For example, I speak very differently to a techie/engineer type than I do to a sales/marketing type of person.

He is calibrating but I wouldn't say he is changing his beliefs or who he is because of it.

Agreed DD. I think we're speaking a slightly different language, which I blame on myself for not fully articulating my point.

Theory:

Guys in PU excessively calibrate themselves based on the set, if you've done this long enough you're probably a victim as well as a witness.

These are the guys to which I'm speaking. Social calibration is what I feel that you and Twitchy are alluding to and I totally agree that you have to calibrate your message to the audience. But, all too often guys in PU will calibrate their entire personae to match that of the audience.

Calibrate your delivery, not your message.