Read at Your Own Risk...I wouldn't if I were You.

[Guest]

I think it is important to document your journey in this mind blowing pick up experiment. Looking back at both successes and failures helps. Failures often more so than your successes. I am appalled at myself as my return has been horribly horrid. Confidence shot, and even worse I fail to utter a single word, at most times. I have a game plan in place before I leave the house and the second I take a foot into a venue all of it evaporates. Thoughts cluttered, my mind flustered, not able to process the randomness taking place in my head.

Everything used to just fall into place it seems. Routine openers morphed into situational openers. Conversation topics no longer needed, it just happened. Witty and clever remarks rolled off my tongue like water on a ducks back. Never thinking just reacting. A beautiful endeavor to make witness to.

Deep inside I know he still exists. I know my alter ego wants to come out and play. He tells me so, and has been asking to be let loose for many months now. I finally took the shackles off and gave him permission. He is scared though and so am I. Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll, I must keep the evil, sinister, me at bay. My alter ego has a way of digging in and not letting go. If you let him, he will run wild, and consume your life with debauchery.

I have written this a thousand times in my head. Daydreams parse though my brain, elaborating themselves into false manifestations. Each one different than the next, but never far removed from the first. They are more alike than not, none of which ends pleasantly.

The fear elusive, yet never far from thought. The what if, will I return to the glory of former days. If I do will everything else around crumble into shambles. These thoughts, these fears ever so true, like reality if my alter ego goes free. Chained to me, I hold him close, for his release could be the death of me.

Forever have fear, the one closest to me. I set you free, my lock, my key. Rise from the depths of hell, your dungeon no longer your home. Remember this now, remember this well, I hold your lock, I hold your key.

I am often asked why the fuck would I stop dead in my tracks and quit game, quit fucking girls, quit trying to meet girls. If you just read the above paragraphs you might have seen this " will everything else around crumble into shambles". Part of me blames my involvement in the game as the reason why everything around me went down the pot. The game wasn't to blame merely my actions were. Still my actions were going out most nights of the week, rarely working, mainly just trying to nail as many hotties as humanly possible. When your bed is rarely empty, or you are sleeping over at a random girls house, you can imagine other parts of your life suffer. Mine did in the worst way possible.

My exit from the game took place well before my actual start of celibacy. I still remember the day I glanced over my finances and realized just how bad things were. It was at this moment I truly started my departure from the crazy life learning game can bring. It was hard to let go and actually took me several months of waning off going out. In addition to going out all the time I started to really scare myself. It wasn't uncommon for me to be sleeping with 3 or 4 girls at the same time, rarely using protection. Daily, often multiple times a day, I would check my junk to make sure I didn't have some crazy disease. I was very paranoid. I can even remember buying Penicillin because a friend told me he had some disease once, and naturally I thought I had it. I can't remember the disease but it is cured by penicillin. I probably didn't have it but a $100 for some pills was worth it to ease my mind.

You would think 18 months of celibacy would change a man. Maybe in that time you could figure out what you really wanted out of life. I have often thought for hours in one sitting what I want, never fully understanding what I was thinking about. A concrete idea never came to fruition. The only thing I could ever muster was if I entered the game again I better never let it get to the level it once was. I just can't risk financial failure again. I am getting too damn old for that.

I wish I could figure out what I wanted though. One day I want to have a kid. The next day I want to find a girl to marry. The next day I have no interest in marriage and want to stay single forever. The next day I want to hit game hard again and build a harem, never spending a night alone. If your thoughts, your desires, contradict one another how do you move forward?

These ramblings of a madman, late at night, while therapeutic for myself, still don't resolve anything. Even worse they make little sense and I feel sorry for anyone who actually read this jumbled mess.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=playercool;38488]
I wish I could figure out what I wanted though. One day I want to have a kid. The next day I want to find a girl to marry. The next day I have no interest in marriage and want to stay single forever. The next day I want to hit game hard again and build a harem, never spending a night alone. If your thoughts, your desires, contradict one another how do you move forward?
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[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2][FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2]You move forward at a slower pace while carefully surveying each of those areas you are interested in. Take time to slow down and analyze your thoughts and feelings. Don't over indulge in any one area and always take things in moderation. If it helps list the pro's and con's of each area on a piece of paper. Ask yourself what you like and don't like about single life.
You obviously are very experienced in running a harem and have realized the toll it can have on your life. There isn't much depth or stability in it either. On the other hand just the fact that you are uncertain tells me you aren't ready to be a family man. Perhaps try and seek out some middle ground? Maybe a decent girlfriend wouldn't be a bad avenue to explore?
There are good and bad with any type of relationship. When my married buddies hear my stories and see the pictures of girls I've been with they wish they could escape their nagging fat bitch at home and be out there living it up with me. I'm thinking little do they know its not all greatness. Haha but I didn't forget what married life was about either. Everybody always wants what they don't have! Time and maturity help get you thru a lot of that.
None of its easy, no one has all the answers, and you won't find what you're looking for over night. But there are a bunch of us in the same boat who have been down that road before.
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[Guest]

[QUOTE=playercool;38488]
These ramblings of a madman, late at night, while therapeutic for myself, still don't resolve anything. Even worse they make little sense and I feel sorry for anyone who actually read this jumbled mess.[/QUOTE]

Posts like these are definitely helpful to someone like me. I'm in a similar situation. I used to be a lot better than I am now, but for the past few months I've concentrated solely on my career and making money, and EVERYTHING important in my life including friends and family has taken a necessary backseat.

I've been living almost like a hermit, and the social network that I created within the past few years of getting into this game, the one that made it easy for me to meet and attract women has crumbled. I'm literally alone, starting at square 1 again. Slowly but surely I've been finding more free time for myself, and I've gotten back in the game again, but I'm not at the level I was once at, so I can't dive into the deep end just yet.

There've been quite a lot of deja vu moments from when I first started out doing this, and I would go out to bars and clubs on my own. My recent goal (as it often was back then) is a pretty meager one. Develop the courage to go out to places on my own, hang out, and try to interact with people in a positive way. Last night was the first time I felt good about going out in a long while, because I was able to open sets and have natural, positive, and fun interactions with people.

The point is, I can totally relate with the frustration expressed in the first half of your post, and one way to overcome it is to humble yourself by setting smaller goals, and realize you have to start at the bottom to get to the top.

[Guest]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I think everyone has run in to this at some point. You want to get good at the game other things have to take a back seat. Then you notice the other part of your life are suffering, there is just too little time in a day to do it all. [/FONT][/COLOR]
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[Guest]

LMAO.