I'm a coward

[Guest]

This thread is 1 part confession, 1 part self punishment, 1 part advice seeking, and all parts frustration . I'm writing it because I have a need to improve myself, and I'm at a loss on how to proceed.

I was at subway today, and their was a beautiful girl eating alone. I could have grabbed a seat, I could have started a conversation, I could be having wild crazy sex instead of writing this. But I lost my nerve and I didn't approach her.

I do approach women, but it's intermittent at best. I know if I could just get this handled, that I would have this area of my life completely wired. I know the science, and I know the technique. I know I have the ability to do it because I have done it. It all comes down to the simple fact that I am cowardly. I simply do not know how to get a handle on this. I've tried many many things. I've read a ton about approach anxiety. I've tried time and time again to break through it by forcing myself to do approaches, and it always comes back.

I'm frustrated with myself, and I'm down on myself. I hate failure, and I hate continuous failure even more. I need to figure this out. Anyone got any ideas?

[Guest]

Whever I start thinking like this, I find a new hobby or create a new non-PUA related goal that I attempt to achieve. Then, I focus on that and stop devoting so much energy to women.

Sometimes, taking a step back will put you in position to make a giant leap forward. I remember the hottest girl I ever pulled. I was talking to one of wings about a week before I met her and I said something to the effect that I was going to take a break from Game. He laughed and said that it would just naturally seep out. He was right. A week later I started chatting with a hottie and ran near perfect Game on her. SNL in fact.

In essence, I got out of my head for a bit and just sort of let myself be. Maybe you should do the same. You don't have to constantly be Gaming girls.

As for the girl you don't want to next but feel you have to do so. Understand, that this is what women do to men. They stick around with men that they don't like until they meet one that they do. Women will secretly be miserable while they're with you, but keep a smile on their face. It's one of the most passive-aggressive, pathetic things you can do to someone. Act like you're still involved and care but are mentally checked out.

You're mentally checked out. You want to next her. Then, do so. This is the burden of being a man of high value. Sometimes, very often, you have to do unpleasant things because most people simply will not do them. They'd rather suffer in silence than confront someone and tell them "hey, it's just not working...I think we should stop seeing each other."

I'm in the same boat as you my friend. I'm going to be nexting a girl this weekend and am not looking forward to doing so. But, it's par for the course. The reality is that if your value is high enough as a man then you should pretty much be nexting every woman at some point. Especially if your value is still increasing (which a man's does as he ages while a woman's decreases as she ages).

Approach anxiety is always, always there. It never really fully goes away. But, you can minimize it by taking on personal projects and achieving goals. I enjoy working out. I like lifting heavy weights and doing things with my body that I never thought possible. Over the years, I've gained so much emotional and mental strength from lifting. Forget the physical aspect, the best part is how it has changed my mind. I know that we all can keep on going long after we cannot. One more rep, one more set, keep going. This is commonly my source of strength when approaching or dealing with a woman OR in any tough situation that I find myself in. I think "I can bench xyzlbs...I didn't think I was going to make it through my workout this morning, but I did...talking to this woman is NOTHING compared to what it takes to do that..."

Here is an excerpt from some of the greatest words ever written on the subject of weight lifting, words that are applicable to literally any endeavor that takes effort, work, pain, and sacrifice:

"It wasn't until my late twenties that I learned that by working out I had given myself a great gift. I learned that nothing good comes without work and a certain amount of pain. When I finish a set that leaves me shaking, I know more about myself. When something gets bad, I know it can't be as bad as that workout." - Henry Rollins

Find the workout that allows you to create the mental and emotional strength to which Rollins is referring. Maybe it's a shitty time in your life that you went through. Maybe it's a goal that you achieved that you NEVER thought possible before (this is why bedding women is so powerful to the ego and so useless when approaching a new woman...it's still about the girl). A man's source of pride should never be something that a woman can impact, touch, or take away from you. It is independent of them. If this is not the case, then they will eventually take it away as a form of control and emotional castration.

Understand that being rejected by a woman is not failure. They do not know you and they're such fickle, overly entitled creatures that they literally could have said 'no' to you for a million reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. They are not the goal in life, nor should they ever be. If they are, then you are a prisoner. You are an object of pity. Your purpose should never be women, if it is then you're wasting your talents on something so fucking trivial.

Calling yourself a coward. Getting down on yourself. Those things will not help you. They are self-destructive thoughts and feelings and they serve no purpose in a man's life. They do not belong in a high status man's head. These words should have no meaning to you because you are not defeated. Coward is the word a broken man uses. You are not broken. And, if you are then it's because you allowed others to break you. Again, this is not the way a man of value thinks. You and you alone are responsible for how you feel about everything in life.

Being angry is a different story. I have found that anger is my most powerful source of motivation. I got my MBA because a teacher told me long ago that I'd never amount to anything. I lost as much weight as I did because I spent 25 years being told what a fat, loser I was. I had an ex tell me once that I was lucky to have had her and I'll never find any as good as her and if I do find a girl to take me I should scoop her up right away. I once had a good friend tell me to settle down with an HB5 because I probably can't do any better. So, I learned Game. Well, FUCK YOU GUYS. Harness the anger. If you learn how to do so, you'll have all the fuel you need to change that which bothers you.

Don't let them win.

[Guest]

Traxxus,

I like Bull Run's advice. I would like to throw my 2 cents in there as well, because I have been in this exact situation. It is something that used to be a big problem for me. I had many a day when I came home and kicked myself for not doing something with a girl. Many.

If I can, I'll try to share how I learned to approach comfortably.

First of all, quit kicking yourself. It accomplishes nothing. It's an inefficient waste of energy. Let's focus on how to improve instead. It's really not as hopeless as you're making it out to be, but get yourself to a point where you're not down on yourself but rather determined to get what you're after.

Now that that's out of the way, let me point out that pickup is NOT about knowing the "science" of anything - as I tried to tell you in an earlier post. You can't think your way through an interaction. Pickup (Day Game) is all about having good habits.

Think of it like baseball. You can watch a video and learn the mechanics of a good swing. But that won't help you hit a fastball. The only way to do that is to spend a lot of time at the batting cages, drilling that technique into your "muscle memory," if you're familiar with the term.

I'd like to think that in pickup, you need this same "muscle memory." You just need to get USED to talking to a lot of people. Then it's just something that you do.

Just yesterday, I was in Chicago walking down the block I'm going to live on. This cute girl was walking in front of me at a traffic crossing, and she bent over to pick up a penny. I said:

Grimm: "Ahh, that's good luck."
HB: "Hee hee, yeah" (turns to face me like she wants to talk)
Grimm: "You know you're supposed to make a wish. Blah blah blah..."

Anyway, we ended up grabbing a beer. I could have taken it farther, but I really wanted to catch the Heat game. So I just got her number afterward and maybe I'll call her maybe I won't. (Lame, I know. Still, the Heat rocked it so totally worth it)

There's nothing about that interaction that's necessarily "good game." The reason I got the girl was because I blurted out an opener. And that happened because I probably start random conversations with about 10 to 15 girls in similar situations every day. I didn't even think about it.

Now, you live in Dallas, and that sucks for you. You're not going to have the same opportunity to just open cute girls over and over and over, day or night. So you're going to have to make the most of the opportunities that you have.

Just make yourself this promise. Go out there, and take EVERY opportunity to talk to strangers that you can. Hot girls, dudes, grannies, EVERYONE. Just get to a point where if a girl picks up a penny in the street, you blurt out an opener without thinking about it.

Then you will be ready, Jedi.

[Guest]

[b]Feel the fear and do it anyway.[/b]

I completely agree with Grimm's discussion of muscle memory. Even approaching when stuck in your head comes down to that. There aren't any tricks to overcoming AA besides actually approaching and training yourself to function when AA strikes.

If you really want to be fully comfortable talking to anyone anywhere, then there are a few things you can do to help kickstart the process.

1 - As Grimm mentioned, try to talk to EVERYONE. It's much easier to talk to people when you're always talking to people. Now, depending on what you do during the day, that's not always possible.

2 - Pay someone CASH every time you want to approach but don't.

3 - Open a girl without a goal in mind. When I had severe AA, I did a 30 day challenge where I had to tell the cutest girl I saw every day that she's cute. I didn't have to do anything after that, but it helped train myself to get out of my head.

4 - Take an improv class. Random suggestion, but besides just going out and talking to girls, it was one of the best things I did to overcome approaching issues I had. And that wasn't even the reason I took the class.

Practice makes perfect. Keep practicing overcome your fear of approaching and you'll eventually be able to overcome anything you want.

[Guest]

Thanks guys! I really do appreciate the feedback. I just got down on myself after lunch when I didn't open her. It was the fear of rejection that beat me, and I just feel I'm railing against it. Most everything I have been successful at in my life, I have struggled with. This is just another one of those things. I know this, but it doesn't make it less frustrating.

I hate that look that they give you.. like..."Oh god, is he going to hit on me?" I see it all the time, a momentary fear that passes like a shadow over their faces and then is gone, replaced by their social mask. It's this phenomenon that I want to walk away from. Truth be told, I don't know if it's real or imagined. It feels real though.

Has anyone seen "School for Scoundrels?" That needs to be real. I would enroll just to have this fear beaten out of me.

On an up note, I am heading to the gulf. My brother is graduating from college and I'm going to see him, and then Im grabbing a six pack and heading to the beach. Surfs..(oil?) up!

[Guest]

[QUOTE=traxxus;41204]I hate that look that they give you.. like..."Oh god, is he going to hit on me?" I see it all the time, a momentary fear that passes like a shadow over their faces and then is gone, replaced by their social mask. It's this phenomenon that I want to walk away from. Truth be told, I don't know if it's real or imagined. It feels real though.[/QUOTE]

You shouldn't be getting that look. This is the look you should be getting: :)

Joking aside, you really shouldn't be getting that look. It is probably real and not imagined, and it means your body language is off when you approach.

I'll tell you what I do, which doesn't make it right for everyone, but it works for this guy. I NEVER EVER just make a bee line and walk straight up to a girl I think is hot during the day and start running game.

90 percent of my spontaneous conversations come with people who are already within earshot of where I'm standing. So I mostly don't "walk up" to anyone. I just open over my shoulder with some light situational remark, and just embark on my natural tomfoolery. I don't have an agenda (well, sort of) to game her, I just want to spread some sunshine.

The other thing to perfect is to look her in the eyes, THEN smile. In that order. That will melt any girl's heart.


Now, if you see a girl across the room that you must talk to, here's what I do. First, do the "eye contact then smile" thing. You can do that from across the room, which is great. What will always happen is that she will smile back and look all flustered, and look down at her shoes and be nervous in a good way. Then you walk up to her with confidence, but as you walk up turn your face away from her. Don't look at her as it will just intimidate her.

Then, when you are near where she is, make some goofy situational remark as if you didn't just walk up to her. She will follow your lead if you are confident.

THe thing is, Traxxus, game shouldn't feel like "game." It's really just having a conversation with a stranger, plus having the balls to push the interaction to something sexual/romantic at the right time.

You are nervous because you believe it is a big deal. Challenge that belief. What's such a big deal about just chit-chatting? Nothing. Just go out there and spread the sunshine to the good people of the world.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=grimm1111;41207]You are nervous because you believe it is a big deal. Challenge that belief. What's such a big deal about just chit-chatting? Nothing. Just go out there and spread the sunshine to the good people of the world.[/QUOTE]


Grimm, this reminds me of when you and I were partying in Chi-town and I kept talking to the hired guns and waitresses. You were totally checked out but after you saw how effective it can be to talk to a hired gun as if she were a woman, which she is, then you see the doors that doing this opens up for you.

Seriously man, how many subtle invites did we get from these girls that weekend? And, some not so subtle...

You're right bro. Talk to EVERYONE as if they were a normal PERSON, even women. Especially women.

[Guest]

[QUOTE=Bull Run;41210]Grimm, this reminds me of when you and I were partying in Chi-town and I kept talking to the hired guns and waitresses. You were totally checked out but after you saw how effective it can be to talk to a hired gun as if she were a woman, which she is, then you see the doors that doing this opens up for you.

Seriously man, how many subtle invites did we get from these girls that weekend? And, some not so subtle...

You're right bro. Talk to EVERYONE as if they were a normal PERSON, even women. Especially women.[/QUOTE]
Wow you guys sould like you are spot on, eh? :)

Absolutely this is how to pull women. Harsh because not many can pull it off, but deadly when you can. And who gives a fuck anyway! That should be the core of it all. What does any of it matter? What a spectacular world ;)

Grimm and BR both both excellent examples bravo! Who would have thunk just talking to them like people !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Game in it's purest form no boundries no restrictions. Positive random interactions can only me made possible by tight as fuck game.

Think like if you were a hot chick. You never want to be approached or talk to people? BS. Just you don't want to be hit on like a piece of meat for a fuck or like some princess on a pedestal side show. You really just want to be treated like a person and then do what you do.