Was This All Just a Big Misunderstanding?

[NitricAcid]

This is my first post, so excuse me while I try to explain my situation...

I got out of a relationship with a girl that was just bad news about 7 months ago and am now just starting to get my confidence back. I would like to say I was overly nice to her, because she was my first girlfriend. I mean I pulled out all the stops, I even handcrafted her an acoustic guitar (which was fun for me btw... ). all to find out she was lesbian, before we started dating and then towards the end of the relationship she got those feelings again. Instead of telling me honestly how she felt, she started acting like a total witch and got me to dump her (which was what she wanted). I still got some though...

Ok, now that you have a little of where I'm coming from... I go to college now and a few of my friends in high school are going to the same college as me. There are 2 girls HB9 and her friend who i'll call Shady, because she is the crazy(bad) ex of my friend. So I've had a crush on HB9 since Junior year, and never got really close, because she had a BF. Long story short she dumped him, because he was a total ass hole.

I see her at school the other day with Shady and 2 of her other guy friends. We talk and I go on with my day. Soon I end up seeing her almost every day... and then we stop talking, because of midterms. about 2 weeks later i'm on Facebook, and she IM's me and we start talking again... it goes really well, lot of jokes, fluff talk, I number close, but I never really escalate. I ask her if she wants to go out on Monday(just lunch or something between classes), and she says she's free on Wednesday at 5pm so I tell her that would be fine. We continue to talk online for the next few days. Wednesday comes along and she says she wants to meet at the mall. I say ok and drive up there, to find her, Shady, and her ex. I think to myself this is weird... but don't press it. We have a great time window shopping, cracking jokes, and just hanging out. Then we all went out to go grab a bite to eat and then everyone goes home.

Later that night I talk to her again online, and I ask her if next time we could go out "just you and me". Long pause and she says, "like go out out?". I reply "yeah go out..." and she says she's not really looking for any other relationship other than friendship. She goes on to say that she doesn't want to date around or date and that she is looking for "THE one you know?". so I try and reason it out in my head if she is just trying not to hurt my feelings, or is serious. I decide she is genuine, because she had broken up with her ex 3 months prior to all this and he really hurt her... I just didn't think it was that serious(or am I completely off base?). I somehow manage to salvage the situation and roll the conversation elseware and we continue to chat for 2 hours. I think to myself at least I got closure and kept the friendship, but did I do something wrong other than bad timing? or am I just falling into the nice guys finish last category? or was this all just a case of miscommunication?

Any input is highly appreciated. I am just trying to piece this situation together and would like some different perspectives. Thank You in advance.

[SaladSpoon]

hey nitricacid
if you've known this girl since HS you may have fallen into the LJBF category long ago.
keep in mind im no expert in getting out of this category but ill just let you know exactly what I would do in this situation:

-Dont appear needy. you dont wanna make it look like you're desperate for her to notice you.
-Have options. dont get caught up in one-itis! keep sarging, maybe you'll make a friend that'll make her jealous but more importantly continue improving your game
-Make sure you stay attractive to her - be a leader, be personable and charismatic
-Remain unphased. she turned down a one on one. big deal, you still have SOME comfort with her which is more than the next random guy has

It sounds like you mustered up your courage and nervously asked her for a date. Probably took balls but sounds a little serious to me. why not set up something not so serious and only invite her?
example: "i just got set free for the night, im gonna grab a frappaccino and then go to petsmart and look at all the critters. wanna come with?"
If she says shes busy or whatever text her two hours later with "you dont know what you missed they had this obedience class and i got to see all these differnt dogs learn how roll over!"
(yes i really drink frappaccinnos and no u dont actually havta go to petsmart alone just let her know she missed a good time)
bc you're spontaneous and crazy fun shit always happens to you!

like i said im no expert in this situation but im sure you want all the perspectives you can get.
wouldnt hurt to consult the literature too and see what you can find on breaking LJBF.
Lotsa Luck bro
-SS

[NitricAcid]

Thanks a lot SaladSpoon. I was just testing the waters that's all, but I feel as though you're right about being in the LJBF category. I'm really spontaneous and crazy stuff happens to me all the time. I've never thought about applying it to game though... so now I have some new tools to try out, thanks. It's crazy to think that I've been letting this go to wast until now.

[Serendipitous]

The first thing that struck me when I read your post was that you seem to want to be attracted to girls who are trouble (Shady).. Stop that!

The second thing that strikes me is that you seem to be chasing girls who you perceive to be 'easy targets', like you've built up this scenario in your head where you can get the girl because your friend got her. She may not even date friends of people she's dated before. But it's like you're pinpointing out the 'weak' targets as a way to avoid potential rejection from girls who may be a challenge for you. Stop that!

I think you can up your standards man, I really do. You are worth more than the girls that you are chasing and you won't be happy with these lower value girls when the relationships turn out bad. Have a little bit more self-respect for yourself and go after girls that are challenging to get. They're worth more in the end.

These were my initial thoughts, before I read through anymore.. Moving on into my read..

And then I see this:

she says she's not really looking for any other relationship other than friendship. She goes on to say that she doesn't want to date around or date and that she is looking for "THE one you know?".

I'm sure you've heard David DeAngelo talk about attraction not being a choice (or maybe you haven't). Basically this girl is telling you that she isn't attracted to you and that there's no hope of 'changing her mind' about it.

Bottom line: MOVE ON. Find another girl.

we continue to chat for 2 hours

This is where you go bad. You just LJBF'd yourself. Create your boundaries that if you're looking for a relationship and the girl isn't into you, you cut off contact with her so that YOU can move on and find more girls to hit on.



Honestly, this is a case of 'Scarcity Mentality', you know, the mindset you have when you only think you have one woman as an option? You need to go out and create more possibilities for yourself. Go out and meet 100 girls in the next week. Say hi to 25 girls a day for 4 days. See if you can get phone numbers. Start calling/texting them. Create options for yourself! Once you have 10-20 girls in the cue you'll wonder why the fuck you were pining over this girl in the first place.

Hope this helps,

~S

[NitricAcid]

...ouch lol. That's what I was looking for, Deep evaluation of a situation from a 3rd party. Sounds about right with the easy target thing. I suppose I fell into "afraid of rejection mentality" and created what I was trying to avoid. Now that I look back on it I never felt afraid of rejection, or that I was too limited. I suppose that is my whole AFC failsafe kicking in. I'll talk to more people and create more opportunities for myself... what I was doing wasn't working, so try something new right? I'll post a follow up in a week or so. Thanks again Serendipitous.