Women and Dating: Part I
Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 8:43 pmThis is something long that I wrote on my facebook notes section, it got a good amount of positive response from girls who read it. I wrote it mainly for myself to get my thoughts together. This is a combination of ideas from many different PUA authors.
For the past year or so I decided to focus a great deal of attention at figuring out the dynamics of human interaction, specifically that between males and females, boys and gals, women and men. I had girlfriends my entire life, but they weren’t what I truly wanted. Sigmund Freud undoubtedly left a mark on the world’s understanding of psychology, but there was one thing which he definitely failed to discover: “What do women want”. I’m certainly not claiming to have even come remotely close to discovering the answer to this question as that would just be arrogant and it would make me a woman, but I can tell you that I spent many sleepless nights at bars and clubs, parties and streets, trying to figure out this very fundamental, yet unattainable concept. I have probably spent hundreds of hours and talked to hundreds of women in the past 2-3 semesters. The next question one may ask is: “why are you interested in this?” I am interested in this for the same reason people are interested in watching football or going camping. I’m interested because “To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge.” I seek this knowledge because I want the ability to achieve the best the world has to offer me, I do not want to be left with second rate love, I will not let that happen if I can help it.
There is an old story of a boilermaker who was hired to fix a huge steamship boiler system that was not working well. After listening to the engineer's description of the problems and asking a few questions, he went to the boiler room. He looked at the maze of twisting pipes, listened to the thump of the boiler and the hiss of escaping steam for a few minutes, and felt some pipes with his hands. Then he hummed softly to himself, reached into his overalls and took out a small hammer, and tapped a bright red valve, once. Immediately the entire system began working perfectly, and the boilermaker went home. When the steamship owner received a bill for $1,000 he complained that the boilermaker had only been in the engine room for fifteen minutes, and requested an itemized bill. This is what the boilermaker sent him:
For tapping with hammer: $.50
For knowing where to tap: $ 999.50
Total: $1,000.00
This is an example of what understanding a subject well can do for us.
We all can agree that anything makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. We can easily say that the only purpose of life is to survive and replicate, but even if this is the case it tells us very little about the mechanics of achieving this seemingly simple endeavor. I can argue that life has three basic necessities which can have an adverse effect on its quality, these being “Health”, “Wealth”, and “Love”. If you lack in any of these three spheres of life, you are not living life to the fullest. I was lucky to be born healthy, I am currently working on my wealth by attending college and hoping to get a law degree, and I am also actively working on the 3rd area, which is to figure out the meaning behind the word “Love”, how to discover it, how to achieve it, and MOST importantly how to keep it. If this is such an important area, then why not put in the same effort into it as into other areas? Many people say that fate is the primary driver behind love, but I disagree strongly. As with anything else in life, the ability to lead a successful long term relationship goes beyond the basic ambit of fate. The purpose of my journey of discovery is not to get laid and have “one-night-stands”, even though that happens on occasion. The purpose of my journey is to be an effective communicator, effective lover, and effective role-model in the long run. This writing may remind you of a person stepping out of youthful idealism and ignorance to discover a new life, but that is not the case as this is a life project going beyond relationships and transcending into self discovery and understanding of people in general.
After having a few great long term relationships, and spending many blissful nights with interesting women, I can now attempt to explain my discoveries from my own experience. These are my opinions and do not necessarily apply to everyone, so keep an open mind.
My first discovery was that women in general want men to fail at being close to them. Even the average looking woman gets approached by a few men every day seeking to start a romantic relationship with them. The players of this game do not necessarily consciously perceive that they are actually going through the dance of mating, but they are. Going back to my primary point, women get approached by men their entire life making them create strategies to rid themselves of this unwanted, yet flattering attention. A woman will act like a complete bitch, act uninterested, look at her phone, and tell you she has to go rejoin her friends, and so on. I cannot blame a woman for doing this, because after all a pretty woman cannot humanly have enough time on Earth to speak with every chode who approaches her. If you can understand this and not take it personally, you are already ahead of the curve. Now the main question is how do I make myself not be that “chode”, that common statistic which gets thrown out of the window? This is not easy for most men. I can definitely tell you that there is a small percentage of men out there who have it all figured out from birth, but we are talking about less than 10% of the total. The main thing that will differentiate you from the rest of the pile is being an exception to the rule. What does it mean to be an exception? Does it mean being a raging dickhead and being mean to women? Does it mean dressing in outrageous ways? Does it mean having an accent? The ability to play a musical instrument? Having a great body? Great taste in wine? Art?
The simple answer is “no”, it does not mean that you have to be any of those things above. Being an exception to the rule means having a multi-dimensional personality. Having this sort of personality means not taking yourself too seriously, it means enjoying the simple pleasures of life, it means seeing things with a tint of pink and having a laugh, it means being adventurous and not losing your inner-child, that is ATTRACTIVE. It also means being able to be assertive, intelligent, intriguing, motivated, inquisitive, all while enjoying to run naked in the rain (in a figurative manner). It means dressing in a way that makes people wonder what this person is trying to portray, having a sense of style that is unique yet acceptable. It is a combination of many things. You must develop a personality with an edge. Be a character out of a movie, larger than life.
I talk to some guys who have big issues with finding women; in effect they are involuntary virgins and will stay like that for the rest of their lives if they do not change something. They play video games all day, they wear those damn khaki pants with a brown belt and a shirt 3 sizes too large with red shoes, they watch anime and pleasure themselves to cartoons daily. Even though these guys do not make up the statistical average, I think that many guys have some similar traits which they fail to notice. If you play video games all day, STOP, get out of the house. If you play WoW, keep it to yourself because there is stigma attached to it, if your girlfriend loves to play WoW with you it’s great as long as she finds that out about you later and actually gets a chance to discover that you have something in life other than your pathetic online existence. If you have no sense of fashion, ask a few girls to take you out shopping. Get help.
Your entire life people tell you to “be yourself”, well fuck that. If your true self SUCKS, become a BETTER self. I am not talking about being fake, I’m talking about self-improvement. When you suck at something it’s because you lack the skills. I tried to help a few of my friends who have these issues, and what I keep hearing is: “I want people to love me for who I truly am”. That is an excuse, which is a limiting belief. My true self SUCKS at playing soccer, my true IMPROVED self is actually pretty good, but the point is I’m STILL myself because I achieved this skill all by myself.
So how do you become improved? Let’s start from voice tonality, body language, and self respect. I used to be the awkward guy, perhaps because I was foreign, or maybe due to other issues, but it doesn’t matter today because I weeded out that inner chode. I had weird nervous quirks around women which made me tense up and lose concentration. I’m not going to claim that it doesn’t happen to me today, but I can snap out of it in a matter of seconds, really hot women can have this sort of effect on anyone. First and foremost you must be happy with yourself. You must understand that you have a 100% success chance at “reproducing” simply because you exist today. If one of your ancestors failed to reproduce, which is thousands of years of reproduction, you would then most likely not exist today. It is obvious that you will find someone to love, and hopefully someone to love you back, so the main reason to why you are doing this is to discover that person and in the process to learn about yourself and HAVE FUN.
Your internal state must be calm, always calm. What makes a great leader? A great leader is a person, who when everything is out of control and hopeless remains completely, almost UNNATURALLY calm with the ability to direct everything with a cool head. Internally you want to become that calm guy. If a woman tries to get to your center by getting mad, don’t let it get to you, be fun and be calm. I used to get mad at women, try to argue with them, ask them the meaning behind their actions, and overall act insecure, I can tell you better than anyone that this is absolutely USELESS behavior and will land you where you do not want to land. Learn from mistakes and be dynamic, iron discipline is the foundation for anything serious, so you must train your body to become absolutely able to handle internal and external pressures. Once you realize your calm inner self, you will be able to portray that through your tonality. Tonality is your voice projection which is arguably one of the most important aspects of any inter-human communication. Your voice needs to resonate well, your pronunciation needs to be clear and concise, your speech content needs to be brief and to the point. When you speak, you must feel your chest “vibrating”. Your body language needs to be confident, calm, and slow. Slow everything down, slow your breathing down and you will notice that the person with whom you are talking will match the rate of breathing. Slow down your blinking, slow down your hand mannerisms. This slowness creates a sense of peace in people and will go a long way to creating a comfortable environment for conversation. If a woman feels any tension in you, she will in a way inherit that tension from you and become nervous herself. Though some women may consider it cute when a guy is all nervous and unsure of himself, I find that the truly amazing woman will not find it too attractive.
Now I will take a moment to talk about what it means to have a magnetic personality. I recommend that you read the book “Art and Science of Personal Magnetism” by Theron Q. Dumont, a Frenchman from the early 20th century. In this book you will discover that being truly magnetic means feeling how your internal state is distributed to people with whom you communicate. Every breath you take needs to be filled with energy, and every word you say has to resonate in the other persons mind. The magnetic person is the one who has a glowing aura of positive energy, a distinctive and pervasive quality or character. This is a state of mind which is hard to explain so I will leave it to the book.
Through my interactions with women I decided that I can subdivide women into 3 categories. The first category is “interested”, second is “professional dater”, and third is “uninterested”. The interested woman will appear interested through her body language and her willingness to ask as well as answer questions. Let me digress for a moment and talk about questions. I personally do not believe that you should give a woman an interview with a bunch of boring questions. Do not ask a woman “what is your favorite color”, “where do you work”, “what do you like to do”. Avoid these questions and instead focus on telling stories and keeping the atmosphere light. Make sure that the conversation is emotionally charged and that you are able to connect with this magnificent person sitting next to you on many levels. If you want to learn this skill I do have some advice, but it's beyond the scope of this writing. Imagine that you are with a great friend who enjoys listening to you; keep a friendly tone of voice. After the conversation you want to have a feeling that you have known this person for a long time, and that they are indeed a good friend of yours. I find that women make the best of friends if nothing else. Going back to my original thought, the interested woman will have more open body language, her knees will likely face you, the palms of her hands could be visible. The entire concept is that the more she faces your direction and the more openness you can sense from her person, the more interested she is. This is not true in all cases, but do pay attention to those small signs and gauge how you are doing. The interested women will often times give you some sort of tests, though unconsciously. She will be constantly testing to see if you will break and become incongruent with yourself. She does this because she can’t simply come up to you and ask: “do you like to control women”, or “are you a jealous person” because you will most definitely lie. Remember, women are 10 times more attentive then you are and will be able to make this sort of judgment from the smallest details. You want to make sure and be who you say you are. Female intuition will figure out your fakeness very quickly. The uninterested woman may be uninterested for many reasons. Perhaps her parents didn’t buy her a bicycle in the second grade, or perhaps her gold fish fell down the stairs, or maybe she just doesn’t like you specifically, your personality, your dress, your accent, or maybe she has a boyfriend that she is content with (right(!)). The main thing is to notice this very early on and move on. I have went on a few dates with uninterested women in the past few months and can tell you that it’s easy to figure out, though I won’t go into detail here. The professional dater is an entirely different animal. This woman LOVES it when you take her out somewhere and pay for her. This road is PAVED with gifts and dinners which will get you NOWHERE. You will become her “friend”, or what women like to call the “nice guy”. The professional dater likes you, but doesn’t like you enough to ever want anything from you but your money. I find that many women are like that, so I decided that I normally do not pay for women unless I feel that they absolutely deserve it. To put this into perspective, let’s say a stranger approaches you on the street and asks you to buy him dinner, would you do it? I sure wouldn’t. Why are you letting a complete stranger take advantage of you like that only because she is a woman? What happened to equality? I think that it is only fair that each person pays for themselves. This may be seen as cheap, but I see it as smart. Oh and for GOD SAKE do not buy women you don’t know beer at the bar, trust me on this one.
To not get into this sort of situation I would recommend that you do not make the first date a movie or a dinner. I think that not only is it super cliché, it also puts too much pressure on people to perform. You do not want a woman to feel as though you are buying her, you want her to enjoy being around you due to your personality and style, and most importantly for the way you make her feel internally. If you cannot make a woman feel emotions, be they good or bad, you have already failed. You cannot portray your personality during a movie, or move any emotions. If you have no personality, get one, but going to a movie is useless. A dinner is too much pressure in my opinion because you are forced to sit across from each other, behave in a certain manner, and overall be fake. Some good dates I went on included a bike ride in a park, sitting by my apartment complex pool and talking, going to a quite jazz bar and having a drink, just driving around the city and finding a cool new place while talking, exploring the weird forest next to my house, oh and a crazy one, we had a water balloon fight date, wasn’t really my idea but that’s what ended up happening that night.
For the past year or so I decided to focus a great deal of attention at figuring out the dynamics of human interaction, specifically that between males and females, boys and gals, women and men. I had girlfriends my entire life, but they weren’t what I truly wanted. Sigmund Freud undoubtedly left a mark on the world’s understanding of psychology, but there was one thing which he definitely failed to discover: “What do women want”. I’m certainly not claiming to have even come remotely close to discovering the answer to this question as that would just be arrogant and it would make me a woman, but I can tell you that I spent many sleepless nights at bars and clubs, parties and streets, trying to figure out this very fundamental, yet unattainable concept. I have probably spent hundreds of hours and talked to hundreds of women in the past 2-3 semesters. The next question one may ask is: “why are you interested in this?” I am interested in this for the same reason people are interested in watching football or going camping. I’m interested because “To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge.” I seek this knowledge because I want the ability to achieve the best the world has to offer me, I do not want to be left with second rate love, I will not let that happen if I can help it.
There is an old story of a boilermaker who was hired to fix a huge steamship boiler system that was not working well. After listening to the engineer's description of the problems and asking a few questions, he went to the boiler room. He looked at the maze of twisting pipes, listened to the thump of the boiler and the hiss of escaping steam for a few minutes, and felt some pipes with his hands. Then he hummed softly to himself, reached into his overalls and took out a small hammer, and tapped a bright red valve, once. Immediately the entire system began working perfectly, and the boilermaker went home. When the steamship owner received a bill for $1,000 he complained that the boilermaker had only been in the engine room for fifteen minutes, and requested an itemized bill. This is what the boilermaker sent him:
For tapping with hammer: $.50
For knowing where to tap: $ 999.50
Total: $1,000.00
This is an example of what understanding a subject well can do for us.
We all can agree that anything makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. We can easily say that the only purpose of life is to survive and replicate, but even if this is the case it tells us very little about the mechanics of achieving this seemingly simple endeavor. I can argue that life has three basic necessities which can have an adverse effect on its quality, these being “Health”, “Wealth”, and “Love”. If you lack in any of these three spheres of life, you are not living life to the fullest. I was lucky to be born healthy, I am currently working on my wealth by attending college and hoping to get a law degree, and I am also actively working on the 3rd area, which is to figure out the meaning behind the word “Love”, how to discover it, how to achieve it, and MOST importantly how to keep it. If this is such an important area, then why not put in the same effort into it as into other areas? Many people say that fate is the primary driver behind love, but I disagree strongly. As with anything else in life, the ability to lead a successful long term relationship goes beyond the basic ambit of fate. The purpose of my journey of discovery is not to get laid and have “one-night-stands”, even though that happens on occasion. The purpose of my journey is to be an effective communicator, effective lover, and effective role-model in the long run. This writing may remind you of a person stepping out of youthful idealism and ignorance to discover a new life, but that is not the case as this is a life project going beyond relationships and transcending into self discovery and understanding of people in general.
After having a few great long term relationships, and spending many blissful nights with interesting women, I can now attempt to explain my discoveries from my own experience. These are my opinions and do not necessarily apply to everyone, so keep an open mind.
My first discovery was that women in general want men to fail at being close to them. Even the average looking woman gets approached by a few men every day seeking to start a romantic relationship with them. The players of this game do not necessarily consciously perceive that they are actually going through the dance of mating, but they are. Going back to my primary point, women get approached by men their entire life making them create strategies to rid themselves of this unwanted, yet flattering attention. A woman will act like a complete bitch, act uninterested, look at her phone, and tell you she has to go rejoin her friends, and so on. I cannot blame a woman for doing this, because after all a pretty woman cannot humanly have enough time on Earth to speak with every chode who approaches her. If you can understand this and not take it personally, you are already ahead of the curve. Now the main question is how do I make myself not be that “chode”, that common statistic which gets thrown out of the window? This is not easy for most men. I can definitely tell you that there is a small percentage of men out there who have it all figured out from birth, but we are talking about less than 10% of the total. The main thing that will differentiate you from the rest of the pile is being an exception to the rule. What does it mean to be an exception? Does it mean being a raging dickhead and being mean to women? Does it mean dressing in outrageous ways? Does it mean having an accent? The ability to play a musical instrument? Having a great body? Great taste in wine? Art?
The simple answer is “no”, it does not mean that you have to be any of those things above. Being an exception to the rule means having a multi-dimensional personality. Having this sort of personality means not taking yourself too seriously, it means enjoying the simple pleasures of life, it means seeing things with a tint of pink and having a laugh, it means being adventurous and not losing your inner-child, that is ATTRACTIVE. It also means being able to be assertive, intelligent, intriguing, motivated, inquisitive, all while enjoying to run naked in the rain (in a figurative manner). It means dressing in a way that makes people wonder what this person is trying to portray, having a sense of style that is unique yet acceptable. It is a combination of many things. You must develop a personality with an edge. Be a character out of a movie, larger than life.
I talk to some guys who have big issues with finding women; in effect they are involuntary virgins and will stay like that for the rest of their lives if they do not change something. They play video games all day, they wear those damn khaki pants with a brown belt and a shirt 3 sizes too large with red shoes, they watch anime and pleasure themselves to cartoons daily. Even though these guys do not make up the statistical average, I think that many guys have some similar traits which they fail to notice. If you play video games all day, STOP, get out of the house. If you play WoW, keep it to yourself because there is stigma attached to it, if your girlfriend loves to play WoW with you it’s great as long as she finds that out about you later and actually gets a chance to discover that you have something in life other than your pathetic online existence. If you have no sense of fashion, ask a few girls to take you out shopping. Get help.
Your entire life people tell you to “be yourself”, well fuck that. If your true self SUCKS, become a BETTER self. I am not talking about being fake, I’m talking about self-improvement. When you suck at something it’s because you lack the skills. I tried to help a few of my friends who have these issues, and what I keep hearing is: “I want people to love me for who I truly am”. That is an excuse, which is a limiting belief. My true self SUCKS at playing soccer, my true IMPROVED self is actually pretty good, but the point is I’m STILL myself because I achieved this skill all by myself.
So how do you become improved? Let’s start from voice tonality, body language, and self respect. I used to be the awkward guy, perhaps because I was foreign, or maybe due to other issues, but it doesn’t matter today because I weeded out that inner chode. I had weird nervous quirks around women which made me tense up and lose concentration. I’m not going to claim that it doesn’t happen to me today, but I can snap out of it in a matter of seconds, really hot women can have this sort of effect on anyone. First and foremost you must be happy with yourself. You must understand that you have a 100% success chance at “reproducing” simply because you exist today. If one of your ancestors failed to reproduce, which is thousands of years of reproduction, you would then most likely not exist today. It is obvious that you will find someone to love, and hopefully someone to love you back, so the main reason to why you are doing this is to discover that person and in the process to learn about yourself and HAVE FUN.
Your internal state must be calm, always calm. What makes a great leader? A great leader is a person, who when everything is out of control and hopeless remains completely, almost UNNATURALLY calm with the ability to direct everything with a cool head. Internally you want to become that calm guy. If a woman tries to get to your center by getting mad, don’t let it get to you, be fun and be calm. I used to get mad at women, try to argue with them, ask them the meaning behind their actions, and overall act insecure, I can tell you better than anyone that this is absolutely USELESS behavior and will land you where you do not want to land. Learn from mistakes and be dynamic, iron discipline is the foundation for anything serious, so you must train your body to become absolutely able to handle internal and external pressures. Once you realize your calm inner self, you will be able to portray that through your tonality. Tonality is your voice projection which is arguably one of the most important aspects of any inter-human communication. Your voice needs to resonate well, your pronunciation needs to be clear and concise, your speech content needs to be brief and to the point. When you speak, you must feel your chest “vibrating”. Your body language needs to be confident, calm, and slow. Slow everything down, slow your breathing down and you will notice that the person with whom you are talking will match the rate of breathing. Slow down your blinking, slow down your hand mannerisms. This slowness creates a sense of peace in people and will go a long way to creating a comfortable environment for conversation. If a woman feels any tension in you, she will in a way inherit that tension from you and become nervous herself. Though some women may consider it cute when a guy is all nervous and unsure of himself, I find that the truly amazing woman will not find it too attractive.
Now I will take a moment to talk about what it means to have a magnetic personality. I recommend that you read the book “Art and Science of Personal Magnetism” by Theron Q. Dumont, a Frenchman from the early 20th century. In this book you will discover that being truly magnetic means feeling how your internal state is distributed to people with whom you communicate. Every breath you take needs to be filled with energy, and every word you say has to resonate in the other persons mind. The magnetic person is the one who has a glowing aura of positive energy, a distinctive and pervasive quality or character. This is a state of mind which is hard to explain so I will leave it to the book.
Through my interactions with women I decided that I can subdivide women into 3 categories. The first category is “interested”, second is “professional dater”, and third is “uninterested”. The interested woman will appear interested through her body language and her willingness to ask as well as answer questions. Let me digress for a moment and talk about questions. I personally do not believe that you should give a woman an interview with a bunch of boring questions. Do not ask a woman “what is your favorite color”, “where do you work”, “what do you like to do”. Avoid these questions and instead focus on telling stories and keeping the atmosphere light. Make sure that the conversation is emotionally charged and that you are able to connect with this magnificent person sitting next to you on many levels. If you want to learn this skill I do have some advice, but it's beyond the scope of this writing. Imagine that you are with a great friend who enjoys listening to you; keep a friendly tone of voice. After the conversation you want to have a feeling that you have known this person for a long time, and that they are indeed a good friend of yours. I find that women make the best of friends if nothing else. Going back to my original thought, the interested woman will have more open body language, her knees will likely face you, the palms of her hands could be visible. The entire concept is that the more she faces your direction and the more openness you can sense from her person, the more interested she is. This is not true in all cases, but do pay attention to those small signs and gauge how you are doing. The interested women will often times give you some sort of tests, though unconsciously. She will be constantly testing to see if you will break and become incongruent with yourself. She does this because she can’t simply come up to you and ask: “do you like to control women”, or “are you a jealous person” because you will most definitely lie. Remember, women are 10 times more attentive then you are and will be able to make this sort of judgment from the smallest details. You want to make sure and be who you say you are. Female intuition will figure out your fakeness very quickly. The uninterested woman may be uninterested for many reasons. Perhaps her parents didn’t buy her a bicycle in the second grade, or perhaps her gold fish fell down the stairs, or maybe she just doesn’t like you specifically, your personality, your dress, your accent, or maybe she has a boyfriend that she is content with (right(!)). The main thing is to notice this very early on and move on. I have went on a few dates with uninterested women in the past few months and can tell you that it’s easy to figure out, though I won’t go into detail here. The professional dater is an entirely different animal. This woman LOVES it when you take her out somewhere and pay for her. This road is PAVED with gifts and dinners which will get you NOWHERE. You will become her “friend”, or what women like to call the “nice guy”. The professional dater likes you, but doesn’t like you enough to ever want anything from you but your money. I find that many women are like that, so I decided that I normally do not pay for women unless I feel that they absolutely deserve it. To put this into perspective, let’s say a stranger approaches you on the street and asks you to buy him dinner, would you do it? I sure wouldn’t. Why are you letting a complete stranger take advantage of you like that only because she is a woman? What happened to equality? I think that it is only fair that each person pays for themselves. This may be seen as cheap, but I see it as smart. Oh and for GOD SAKE do not buy women you don’t know beer at the bar, trust me on this one.
To not get into this sort of situation I would recommend that you do not make the first date a movie or a dinner. I think that not only is it super cliché, it also puts too much pressure on people to perform. You do not want a woman to feel as though you are buying her, you want her to enjoy being around you due to your personality and style, and most importantly for the way you make her feel internally. If you cannot make a woman feel emotions, be they good or bad, you have already failed. You cannot portray your personality during a movie, or move any emotions. If you have no personality, get one, but going to a movie is useless. A dinner is too much pressure in my opinion because you are forced to sit across from each other, behave in a certain manner, and overall be fake. Some good dates I went on included a bike ride in a park, sitting by my apartment complex pool and talking, going to a quite jazz bar and having a drink, just driving around the city and finding a cool new place while talking, exploring the weird forest next to my house, oh and a crazy one, we had a water balloon fight date, wasn’t really my idea but that’s what ended up happening that night.