Destroy My Online Dating Profile

[Guest]

I change my online profile too much. Anyway, here is my latest creation. Keep in mind that I'm older, have a child, and actually prefer to date women who either already have children or don't want to have their own. Have at it!

[quote]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][B]Headline:[/B][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Are you looking at my bum?[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][B]About Me:[/B][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]"A man needs a little madness or else he never dares to cut the rope and be free." -Nikos Kazantzakis[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]You really shouldn’t fall madly in love with me. I drive fast on two or four wheels. I make people laugh at funerals. I get into deep, philosophical discussions about underwear. I have an overwhelming curiosity to see where a road leads, and there’s no talking me out of it when I want to explore. I talk with my mouth open and chew with my mouth full. I dance like a white guy. I’ll keep singing even after you beg me to stop. I won’t let you win at your favorite games. I bite… a little. Worst of all, we might just have too much fun, and that would be bad![/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]I'm fit, but you won't find me on a treadmill. I use my analytical side for work and my creative side for play. My son is a primary influence in my life. Knowing that he looks up to me makes me want to be a good role model. He also sets a great example for me with his cool attitude and easy sense of humor. I have a golden retriever/cocker spaniel mix who is friendly, playful, and way cooler than your dog.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]My sister says I’m hilarious. My mom says I’m handsome. My son says I should find a nice, pretty girl who isn’t crazy. My friends say I’m loyal. You will say I’m a great kisser, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]If you are the person I’m looking for, then you are fun and adventurous, you go the extra mile for the important people in your life, you have a cute laugh, and you give great neck rubs. You might think this is you, but you’re probably too shy to do something about it. If not, then don’t forget to make it sexy and fun. Otherwise, leave this profile knowing that I will always hold a special place in my heart for you, anonymous Internet stranger.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][B]First Date:[/B][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Let's get in the hot tub time machine and travel through space and time together. We'll go back thousands of years and find an island in the Pacific before it was molested by humans. I'll build us a hut out of bamboo and palm leaves, and you can prance around in a grass skirt and coconut bikini top. We'll sleep under the stars and listen to the music of the ocean before we go on to our next adventure.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[/quote]

[Guest]

Dude I like it. I'm sure there are things you could mix up, but I think it's a good profile.

[Guest]

I like it overall. There is nothing at all weak or beta about this, and it conveys many good things about you that I think women would find attractive.

OK now... You asked if I would rip it apart, so here's the part where I do that.

I have two objections. First, I'm seeing a contrast in character that's exemplified perfectly in your headline and "about me" sections, but which permeates through the entire work. On the one hand, you are the nonchalant funnyman. Mr Carefree.

"Are you looking at my bum?"

On the other hand, you are astute enough to know who Nikos Kazantzakis is, your grammar is perfect, and I have learned a lot of factual information about you which you've taken the time to share.

Now, on their own, both of these can be winning attitudes. However if it were me, I would pick a poison and stick with it. The reason being that - especially online - it feels unnatural and contrived. It seems like you are either trying to be funny in your headline, or trying to be smart in your "about me," and as a reader I can't quite figure out which is the real you.

I would guess smart/analytical, because funny is easier to fake. Or, I should say it's more commonly faked.

Second, it's missing something. I can't put my finger on what that is. There is nothing wrong with the content you have included, but I want something to be there that isn't. Maybe it's because you say you've changed your profile so much, I don't know why but there is a hollowness to this.

So that's the general complaint, here's the practical stuff.

If you are going to leave the quotation, I would put it at the bottom of the "about me" section so that it doesn't contrast with anything. I would also delete the part about your family - it's TMI for a first impression I think.

I would leave out the part about her being too shy to do something about it. You can't tease someone you haven't met yet. It smells too much like you are trying to bait her in to writing you back, which is the opposite of being selective. Leave it out so that it sounds like you EXPECT her to write you back, you're not fishing for it.

Also, overall there's nothing written here that suggests you are the type of guy who is later going to rip her clothes off like an animal and fuck her half way to Sunday on the kitchen counter so that her legs go numb and she collapses on the floor. I would think you need some kind of a darker "edge" to this.

[Guest]

I like Grimm's analysis and would like to add more. I too liked it and found myself smiling as I read it (in a good way) and that is what I think will be the girls response. She will smile and tell her self "what a nice cool guy- he would have plenty of girls chase him" and then she will move on. But guess what bro I am sure that you will get some girls go for it.

David D talks of 8 seduction profiles. Lovers are bad boys, adventurers, seducers and artists. Providers are High achiever, sugar daddy, regular joe and ass kisser. Each attract a certain type of girl. I felt that after reading your profile you were mixing it all up. No one profile came out strong. So its too much of a catch all. Thats what I thought was missing. A strong profile of one seduction personality.

My .02.

[Guest]

Awesome feedback, guys. I was hoping you would respond, Grimm.

[QUOTE=grimm1111;38173]I like it overall. There is nothing at all weak or beta about this, and it conveys many good things about you that I think women would find attractive.

OK now... You asked if I would rip it apart, so here's the part where I do that.[/QUOTE]

Good. This is what I wanted.

[quote]I have two objections. First, I'm seeing a contrast in character that's exemplified perfectly in your headline and "about me" sections, but which permeates through the entire work. On the one hand, you are the nonchalant funnyman. Mr Carefree.

"Are you looking at my bum?"

On the other hand, you are astute enough to know who Nikos Kazantzakis is, your grammar is perfect, and I have learned a lot of factual information about you which you've taken the time to share.

Now, on their own, both of these can be winning attitudes. However if it were me, I would pick a poison and stick with it. The reason being that - especially online - it feels unnatural and contrived. It seems like you are either trying to be funny in your headline, or trying to be smart in your "about me," and as a reader I can't quite figure out which is the real you.

I would guess smart/analytical, because funny is easier to fake. Or, I should say it's more commonly faked.[/quote]

Of course, I want to say they're both the real me. Everybody thinks they're smart and funny, right?

But I know it's a fair criticism. Honestly, I didn't know who Nikos Kazantzakis was until I googled him. So I took the quote out altogether. It's a cool quote, but I'm not attached to it.

[quote]Second, it's missing something. I can't put my finger on what that is. There is nothing wrong with the content you have included, but I want something to be there that isn't. Maybe it's because you say you've changed your profile so much, I don't know why but there is a hollowness to this.[/quote]

That's a good observation. I'll see if I can correct that.

[quote]So that's the general complaint, here's the practical stuff.

If you are going to leave the quotation, I would put it at the bottom of the "about me" section so that it doesn't contrast with anything. I would also delete the part about your family - it's TMI for a first impression I think. [/quote]

I axed the quote and the part about my family. I included it just to get to the line about kissing, but it's not important.

[quote]I would leave out the part about her being too shy to do something about it. You can't tease someone you haven't met yet. It smells too much like you are trying to bait her in to writing you back, which is the opposite of being selective. Leave it out so that it sounds like you EXPECT her to write you back, you're not fishing for it.[/quote]

If it's that obvious that I was baiting her to write me, then that's what I was going for. I wanted to be obviously screening for girls who aren't shy. That's why I called all the shy girls "anonymous Internet stranger."

On the other hand, I use the "shy" bait when I go for the phone call. I say:
"Email is a fun exercise, but I prefer to talk like real people. My cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. If you're too shy to call, then you can send me a text and I'll call you. ;-)"
By that point in the interaction, the "shy" bait is more fun... and effective. I'll reserve the "shy" bait for that purpose. Thanks for reminding me of that.

[quote]Also, overall there's nothing written here that suggests you are the type of guy who is later going to rip her clothes off like an animal and fuck her half way to Sunday on the kitchen counter so that her legs go numb and she collapses on the floor. I would think you need some kind of a darker "edge" to this.[/quote]

This is where I struggle. When I get dark and edgy, my results drop dramatically. I will tweak it for this purpose though.

[Guest]

Here's my revised "About Me" portion of the profile.

[quote]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]You really shouldn’t fall madly in love with me. I drive fast on two or four wheels. I make people laugh at funerals. I get into deep, philosophical discussions about underwear. I have an overwhelming curiosity to see where a road leads, and there’s no talking me out of it when I want to explore. I won’t let you win at your favorite games. I dance like a white guy, sing like an American Idol reject, and kiss like a Mexican soap opera star. I bite… a little. I tickle a lot, and begging me to stop only encourages me, so you might as well surrender. Worst of all, we might just have too much fun, and that would be bad![/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]I'm fit, but you won't find me on a treadmill. You will think my tattoos are sexy, which is good because it turns out they’re permanent. I use my analytical side for work and my creative side for play. My son is a primary influence in my life. Knowing that he looks up to me makes me want to be a good man. He also sets a great example for me with his cool attitude and easy sense of humor. I have a golden retriever/cocker spaniel mix who is friendly, playful, and way cooler than your dog.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]If you are the person I’m looking for, then you are fun and adventurous, you go the extra mile for the important people in your life, you have a cute laugh, and you give great neck rubs. If this sounds like you, then send me an email, and don’t forget to make it sexy and fun. Otherwise, leave this profile knowing that I will always hold a special place in my heart for you, anonymous Internet stranger.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[/quote]

[Guest]

Well it feels way more congruent and real now.

For the record, I do think it is possible to be both smart and funny. Again, I don't mean to be critical - and other people may get a different impression when they read the profile than what I got - but I think it's the style of humor that you were using that was not congruent with the very intellectual style.

It's hard to explain. It's like when you see an asian girl with blue eyes - you don't know how you know it's fake, you just know it is.

Smarter, more thoughtful people tend to have a drier, wittier humor. More physical, party people tend to have "are you looking at my bum?" humor. Neither is better or worse.

Anyway, that seems fixed.

----

On the shy part - If you want it in there you could word it like this: "I like a girl who is outspoken." So that it's more obvious that it's a screen.

I like how you use that to get her to call you, once you have started corresponding. I can see how it works in that context, in fact it's flirtatious.

---

The second paragraph, I like the "fit but not on a treadmill" part, and maybe you can fit it somewhere else, but I would open up the second paragraph with the "My son is a primary influence in my life" line. If you're going to talk about your son in this way, keep in mind that this is a deeper conversational topic than fitness. Putting it at the beginning of the paragraph makes it more sincere IMO.

I wouldn't mention your dog. You already conveyed that "awwwww" emotion with your son, so it is redundant. You can have a picture of you with your dog, and let her ask you about it. Girls love guys with dogs.

Is that "bait?" Yes, but that's good bait.

---

As for the dark and edgy part, the tattoo line isn't really working. I think what I mean by "dark and edgy" is sexual. Don't be afraid to cross that line and show that you desire women. Again, I don't do internet dating, so please take this with a grain of salt.

A girl is going to take what you give her and stereotype and typecast you right off the bat. Make sure that when she does, she typecasts you as a sexual person.

That's one thing I will say for online dating. It lets you really be in control of your first impression - something that's hard to do in real life.

So here is one idea, there are many other ways to convey sexuality. You could talk about some physical feature that gets you all hot and bothered, etc.

"sexy legs get me all hot and bothered"

You kind of get in to this with the neck rubs. I would just take that - what you were doing there - and do it more and do it harder.

---

[Guest]

[QUOTE=grimm1111;38179]Smarter, more thoughtful people tend to have a drier, wittier humor. More physical, party people tend to have "are you looking at my bum?" humor. Neither is better or worse.

Anyway, that seems fixed.[/QUOTE]

I would describe my sense of humor as "clever" more than "witty." For some reason, witty makes me think of dry, but my sense of humor is more playful. I like clever and subtle mixed with overt and sprinkled with inuendo.

[quote]The second paragraph, I like the "fit but not on a treadmill" part, and maybe you can fit it somewhere else, but I would open up the second paragraph with the "My son is a primary influence in my life" line. If you're going to talk about your son in this way, keep in mind that this is a deeper conversational topic than fitness. Putting it at the beginning of the paragraph makes it more sincere IMO.

I wouldn't mention your dog. You already conveyed that "awwwww" emotion with your son, so it is redundant. You can have a picture of you with your dog, and let her ask you about it. Girls love guys with dogs.

Is that "bait?" Yes, but that's good bait.

---

As for the dark and edgy part, the tattoo line isn't really working. I think what I mean by "dark and edgy" is sexual. Don't be afraid to cross that line and show that you desire women. Again, I don't do internet dating, so please take this with a grain of salt.

A girl is going to take what you give her and stereotype and typecast you right off the bat. Make sure that when she does, she typecasts you as a sexual person.

That's one thing I will say for online dating. It lets you really be in control of your first impression - something that's hard to do in real life.

So here is one idea, there are many other ways to convey sexuality. You could talk about some physical feature that gets you all hot and bothered, etc.

"sexy legs get me all hot and bothered"

You kind of get in to this with the neck rubs. I would just take that - what you were doing there - and do it more and do it harder.

---[/quote]

Got it. I'll replace "neck rubs" with "blow jobs."

Just kidding. I'll fix the above with the following middle paragraph:
[quote][COLOR=black][FONT=Calibri][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]My son is a primary influence in my life. Knowing that he looks up to me makes me want to be a good man. He also sets a great example for me with his cool attitude and easy sense of humor. I use my analytical side for work and my creative side for play. I'm fit, but you won't find me on a treadmill. If you get far enough to see them, you will think my tattoos are sexy, which is good because it turns out they’re permanent. I like public displays of affection, and I’ll let everybody know that you’re with me, but don’t kiss me on the neck unless you want to leave the party early.[/SIZE][/FONT][/FONT][/COLOR][/quote]