The ultimatum (advice requested)

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First thing, is "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?" Sounds like you don't really want her at a deeper level than she is currently at.

I see two ways to go on this:

1. I don't recommend it, but you could just tell her what she wants to hear and most likely continue forward. She wants some commitment out of you at a deeper level than you are offering now. So you could feed her some b.s. and string this along a few more weeks. If you go this route and keep her as just a FB in your mind, she'll figure you out sooner or later. She'll most likely lose respect for you when it happens.

2. Be straight up with her on what you want at this point in your life. Tell her it could turn into something more but you aren't ready for it now. Tell her how you enjoy her company and have fun hanging out with her. She might let it go for now and maybe you'll get a few more "free lay's" out of it. This is the more respectful route and just maybe she has some friends you can get to know. ;- ) No sense in burning any bridges!

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Howie's number two is how I would play it.

I try to be 100% upfront with these girls and let them know where I am at. Sure they don't like to hear that. But I guarantee they respect that you are honest and from what I have seen they stick around. I can't think of one girl who has walked away when I say that. Actually I think they like me even more...

[Guest]

Thanks for the advice guys, here's how it went down. She came over a few minutes ago and told me that she had broken up with a boyfriend of about 2 years 4 months ago. She said he treated her like shit and used her and she didn't want to get hurt. She wasn't sure what she wanted. I kept quiet to let her get it out.

Then I told her that I was not in a place where I would be comfortable with something serious but that I like hanging out with her and that it is not just fucking.

She was quiet for awhile and started crying. Then she talked more about being traumatized by her ex. She told me she really likes me and I am a nice guy but she doesn't want to get hurt and doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

I told her that I have been in several situations in the past where the issue of 'what we are' gets forced and that those were some of the worst relationships I have had. I said, we have been kind of going with the flow and seeing where it ends up and it has been good. I think she said 'yeah.'

Then there was more silence and I broke it later by joking about something unrelated. I think she was glad I did that. Soon after she said she should probably go, (still in tears) said sorry, and left. It was rather odd because I don't know what she was trying to tell me. It seems like she doesn't want to hang out at all at least for awhile.

Also, the 'you are a nice guy' comment really caught me off guard because I have only taken her on one real date and then just fucked her since then. Maybe she is thinking in relation to her ex.

I think there is a possibility that she may come back around but I honestly don't care that much beyond that fact that easy sex is nice ;)

Anyone have any takes on this?

[Guest]

hi sal
I think she might have made up a story about her abusive boy friend of 2 yrs and 4 month. She wanted you to pity her and accept you into your arms as more than just a fb. As you mentioned, she is definitely into you and wants you. I am sure you don't know so much about her because you only took her to real date once and been only fucking since. She wanted to show you she is devoted to you and commited to you by telling you that she has broken up with her abusive boyfriend. She definitely wanting you to be the man who would protect her and help her out of that made up trama.

I am guessing she hasn't told you she had a boyfriend until today even after real date and few times u guys fucked. Usually, girls with boyfriends confess that they have a boyfriend when you first meet them or when things started to get serious or made a mistake (had sex with someone else other than their boyfriend. They usually tell after they have sex the first time. She hasn't been telling you all this even after a real date and few times u guys had sex is shady. I am guessing it is made up story.

however... there is small possibility that it might be true. Then... she is a really fucked up person. She had a bf and gone out a date wtih you and had sex with you more than once. She hasn't told you about boyfriend until today. That makes her seem like she is disloyal and not trust-worthy person. Judging by your description of her, I don't think she is a bad person like that. I just think she wants someone to love. I think she loves you.

[Guest]

Sleek,

My description is a little confusing. She dated this guy for 2 years. They broke up 4 months ago so she has been single for at least 3 months before I even met her.

Despite this, she has definately never mentioned anything about a fucked up relationship until today. In fact, most of our conversations have avoided serious topics altogether. I do think you are right about her liking me a lot and needing someone to reciprocate but I can't be that person and I told her that. She has also been under a lot of stress lately and I am guessing when that dies down and she gets drunk she will be giving me a booty call. I am trying to avoid hurting her though.

[Guest]

It was the frame, I've recently had a little breakthrough with this type of thing...

It wasn't an issue of what she was saying, it was the issue that she was telling you something deep and meaningful.

She didn't want you to respond with just words, but in kind. Value for value.

Its like if I tell you my grandmother died and that she was the only one I really cared for in my life, and that when that happened my life took a dive and hasnt been the same since, and you tell me "Sorry thats happened."

Its a part of my life. She wasn't trying to tell you this to have you respond, she was telling you this to get you to respond with emotion, not just a "poor baby" type mentality. What she wants is that you acknowledge that something is there, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with whats going on, the main problem is acknowledging it.

If you know where she works, id send her A flower, not multiples, but 1 single red rose. with a note that says, call me.

Set up another meeting and just look at her, not creepy but in a I want to touch every part of you. Notice her curves, how her face is rounded. Her imperfections. Dont say a word. When she talks you say, shh.

Then once youre done, a simple kiss no tongue.

Tell her, Im not your ex. Right? (Right)

Im nice right? (yes)

You like me right? (Yes)

Then tell her, I really enjoy you.

Then tell her, you like her thats why Im still around. I want you to be around too, but right now I just enjoy being in your space. It relaxes you. Tell her that you love that you can be free with her and that that really comes out when you caress, kiss, hold, lick, fuck.

Ask her if she agrees. She will say yes.

I like being in your space, ask her if she agrees, shell say yes.

Tell her I dont want to hurt you, and I dont want you to make a rash decision which is why I feel this way (meaning you want to keep it light and fluffy, NSA).

We aren't at a point that I feel we should name what we are, but for the present I like what we have, don't you? (if the yes chain was done right, you should get a yes here as well)
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This all depends on how much work you want to put in. The frame wasn't solidified from the get go, and from solidified I mean she didn't make the decision to fuck, but instead you did. Thus emotions got attached. Up to you though, After this though, you have serious backpeddling to do.

[Guest]

Thanks Finesse,

I may try that but I am gonna wait a little bit because she just needs some time right now (due mostly to other shit going on in her life). If I did what you suggested wouldn't risk setting more of a bf frame especially after she basically told me she wants more?

[quote1216608884=Finesse]

This all depends on how much work you want to put in. The frame wasn't solidified from the get go, and from solidified I mean she didn't make the decision to fuck, but instead you did. Thus emotions got attached. Up to you though, After this though, you have serious backpeddling to do.
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Could you elaborate on what you mean by 'I made the decision to fuck and not her?' I feel like I did everything I could to set the FB or at least MLTR frame by not taking her out and just basically having sex.

[Guest]

It sounds like you may lose this girl, in my honest opinion. It sounds to me like she's pretty sure she wants a more traditional relationship, and when she figures out for sure that she can't get you in to a LTR then she will leave you for a guy who will give her what she is looking for.

That may not be what you want to hear and i maybe it will work out the way you want, however that's my impression. I don't think game is gonna help you here. By that I mean that I don't think there's any "right" thing to say or that you could say. Again I could be wrong.

So my constructive advice is if you're sure about what you want, ride it out as long as you can put up with the drama but don't invest too much of your patience in to it.

My other piece of advice is when the FB relationship ends, END IT ON GOOD TERMS FOR FUCKS SAKE! you can always be her "go-to" guy when she's fighting with her LTR or breaks up etc which is a great no-strings way to get some. :)


So what would I actually do if it were me in your shoes? Well most likely it isn't what you're gonna want do, lol, honestly it's a little out of the box but here it is for the record. I would nip the whole thing in the bud right away. The MOMENTUM here is that she's on her way out the door, and you're posting on here trying to figure out a way to reverse that momentum. Never fight the flow, OWN the flow. FIgure out what she's gonna do anyway and take credit for it like it's your idea. That's a dirty trick from grimm's bag of dirty tricks.

I would give her a LJBF talk. I would end the sexual relationship but keep her as a friend for like a few weeks, and it would be a gamble that maybe by doing that "takeaway" in a few weeks you could just spark something back up again. Then you could do that "off and on" until she's used to the idea of having a FB and isn't freaking about it. But no guarantees, depends on her personality.

But there again you have to be a man with options.

[Guest]

Some of the main differences between a FB relationship and an actual one, I feel, are whether or not she has it in her mind from the beginning on whether or not she wants to fuck you.

Although she will fuck you if you set it up, she isn't handling any logistics for you, thus its a BF frame frome the get go.

FB frames include those such as "Shes the predator", "She's doing everything."

What my suggestion was meant to do was slam on the brakes momentarily so that you may re-establish something else, however, I believe youre past the point of no return already. Slamming on the brakes is needed, at the moment, where you go from here is up to you, hence the backpeddling for FB status.

I like grimms suggestion though. LJBF it. and dont hit it at any cost.