My Biggest Fear...

[Guest]

This is one of the things that continues to haunt me. Maybe I can illustrate it by telling a story about what happened this weekend. I was out at a party with a date. Also at the party was my friend, let's call him, AFC Dan. Also in attendence was this girl (we'll call her HB Desperate) who was intent on making out with someone at the party. I know this girl pretty well, she was not very attractive, so my mind was elsewhere. She is a nice girl, and I definately consider her a friend, so I was very encouraging of this behavior. She told me and my date straight-out she was looking to hook up that night. We chose a partner for her, some dude she had a crush on for a while. She kept trying to make it happen all night long, but the dude was not into her. 'Tis life.

In the meantime she got drunk, and she was telling lots of people about her big plans to make out with someone. Mind you, she was still very fixated on this one guy. One of the people she kept coming back to, was my friend AFC Dan. The next day we talked on the phone and bullshitted about the night. He asked me, "What's the deal with this girl is, HB Desperate?"

"Oh, what do you mean?"

"She kept coming up to me and telling me she wanted to make out with someone."

"Oh yeah, haha. She was trying all night but it never happened for her."

"Yeah, clearly she was into me."

Here's where the dilema begins. If a girl is drunk, and talking about how she wants to hook up, that is very likely an IOI in my book, and AFC Dan clearly recognized this not knowing what it was. I didn't witness the interaction, so I can't judge for myself, except that I know HB Desperate and know she was fixated on one guy. And she never mentioned AFC Dan the whole night. The pieces of the puzzle don't add up. I'll give AFC Dan this: it's possible that he could have worked the situation to his advantage had he tried/known what to do.

I've noticed a pattern with AFC Dan, any girl that shows him so much as common courtesy, he mistakes this as her being all over him. I can think of one specific instance where one girl was "totally into him" but unbeknonst to him, I took this girl home, and she gave no indication that she was interested in him. I can also remember another girl from my afc days who he told me was super into him, and I got waaay farther with her than he ever did. Once again, interacting with her his name would come up, and there was NOTHING to indicate she was into him. 3rd example (also from my afc days) a girl who he was so sure was going to be his next girlfriend. We all went out together one night in a big group, and this girl ended exchanging phone numbers with me and wrestling with me in the grass. Knowing what I know now, I [i]think[/i] I missed an oppurunity to make out with her, but I guess I'll never know. A few weeks later she starts a very serious relationship with AFC Dan's best friend.

There's a clear pattern here that hopefully you can follow. AFC Dan is waaay over confident. As PUA, we sometimes need to trick ourselves into thinking we're hotter shit than maybe we truly are. This personally is my biggest fear, that I'll end up like AFC Dan, thinking I'm god's gift to women when in reality, I'm far from it. In terms of results I think I do much better than he does, no question, but perhaps sometimes I play things too cautiously. I just don't want to end up being "that guy". Overall, I think through practice, I have a better grasp on reality than my friend AFC Dan, but it's hard to see yourself from the inside looking out. Usually I find with my targets that I play very aloof, waiting for the one major IOI that I'm sure will seal the deal, and it either comes or it doesn't. Maybe the whole thing is my imagination. I can't really tell. But there's got to be a better way of knowing where you stand and seperating IOIs from run of the mill friendliness.

[Guest]

Is your fear that you're not confident enough, or that Dan might finally get a girl over you? Seems like this is more a story of you one up'ing Dan.

Poor Dan.

[Guest]

Humility is important. But, so is confidence.

I don't think AFC Dan is overconfident with respect to women. Instead, I think he's naive. He more than likely genuinely believes that when a girl talks to him they like him. It's not because he's so confident, it's because he doesn't know, or understand, how things really work. Before I started in the Community, I had a similar thought process...although I was a little better at picking out true interest from being 'nice.'

Here's his world:

Girls don't talk to me often. I don't talk to them often. In order for us to be talking there must be something special that draws us together to converse. Usually when something special is present between a man and a woman it implies sexual interest. Therefore, anytime a girl talks to me she must be interested.

It's interesting, but I've changed the way I interact with women. When I first meet a girl, I assume attraction. I assume that she's going to be attracted to me. As the interaction continues, and I don't get legitimate IOIs (physical contact, favorable body language, smiling, etc) then I begin to knock down the level of attraction I presumed she had for me initially. Over time, I become more humble with respect to the attraction she does or doesn't really feel for me (or at least show me), but I still remain confident in myself. So she's not attracted, big deal.

The reason I act this way is because I've had a shit-ton of interactions with women now. I understand that women are people too, they like to have platonic conversations with men from time to time. Just because she's talking to me, doesn't mean she wants to fuck me.

Your buddy doesn't have enough experience to understand this dynamic. My AFC friends are the same way, which is why I like to show them pics of the girls I fucked that they thought were all about them ;)

[Guest]

So AFCDans confidence outweighs his skills. No problem there. Never doubt yourself. Worse would be to have the skill, looks, charisma but not the confidence.
Which will get you further? thinking you are gods gift to women even though you're not and acting on it, being gods gift to women, not believing it and not acting on it.
I think that you have AFCDan all wrong. I bet in reality he has no confidence or skill and is attempting to delude himself to boost his ego. If he did believe it he would be an approach monster, he would hook up more and wouldn't be talking to you about all the chicks that are into him that he never approaches.

[Guest]

[quote1229391122=Bull Run]


I don't think AFC Dan is overconfident with respect to women. Instead, I think he's naive. He more than likely genuinely believes that when a girl talks to him they like him. It's not because he's so confident, it's because he doesn't know, or understand, how things really work.
[/quote1229391122]

I agree 100% with BR's assesment here.

AFC Dan sounds exactly like someone I know and I suspect almost everyone here that has discovered the community can relate to in their non-community friends. It's just complete naivete and ignorance of social cues.

Being a PUA is not about "thinking you are hotter than shit"

Evolving as a PUA is about projecting an inner calm and confidence in social and everyday settings, not thinking 'you are hotter than shit'....there IS a important distinction there and those are 2 very different things. It's developing a confidence in who you are, what your desires are, how you 'move' through the your daily interactions, what your path through life is.... that is what evokes attraction in females. That is what you should be developing, if you really want to grow and truly better yourself from the community...

[Guest]

This guy Dan seems really cool. Maybe he's into Bromance? I can only hope. :)
I'd buy him a beer and he could tell me how he fucked your last girlfriend!

[Guest]

"I can't really tell. But there's got to be a better way of knowing where you stand and seperating IOIs from run of the mill friendliness."

There is a way to help deal understand this! It's called paying attention to body language and other non-verbal cues. Most women that are interested in you sexually will provide you with a "map of hints" albeit indirect. Its your duty to correctly interpret these clues and act upon them. Many of these hints come in the form of non-verbal cues. Do a search for non-verbal cues and body language to better understand this.

There are two important things I've learned about women that can be applied in your situation:
1. Women choose men.
2. Actions speak louder than words.

Improving your knowledge of how women work/think will help keep your "confidence" in check.

[Guest]

[quote1229440281=UncleHOwie]1. Women chose men.[/quote1229440281]

I dunno. I've heard this before and I would contend that men chose women. Women on the other hand accept or reject men. But, generally speaking, yeah if it were up to men we'd fuck every hot chick we saw.

[Guest]

BR- I base that general statement on the fact that imo men are not as picky as women when it comes to selecting a mate. Face it, most men are pretty happy if they have a cute girl who gives it up from time to time and isn't a nagging bitch.

Women on the other hand are pickier & seem to have additional expectations/requirements blah blah blah. They've got a detailed laundry list of what they really want in a man. So the one with the higher expectations tends to be the one who does the choosing "ultimately".

Look at how decisions get made when it comes to wedding ceremonies. Men don't care, women are the pickier and tend to do all the "choosing"!

After all, we do all this trick pua stuff to try and impress that special girl so she will "choose" us. How often to you see it the other way around?

In the end "pussy" is a powerful thing. We've all been there, you know what I'm talking about! :-) And since the woman has the "pussy" she can ultimately control the selection process.

[Guest]

Good comments here.