what tools do you use create a personal connection?

[Twitchy]

How to create a personal connection? Show genuine interest in someone. Ask them questions you really want to know about. Laugh at them and their jokes. Tease them.

Whether you are trying to hook up or just meet a friend, just show them that you value them. And they will value you for it.

[Sage]

How to create a personal connection? Show genuine interest in someone. Ask them questions you really want to know about. Laugh at them and their jokes. Tease them.

Whether you are trying to hook up or just meet a friend, just show them that you value them. And they will value you for it.

I don't want to be rude, but this post doesn't say anything useful. If someone doesn't know how to drive a standard, responding with "you have to shift gears yourself" isn't going to help them at all.

[Smile]

Sage,

You have to ask open ended questions or make statements in order to provoke a response in order to find out what she likes doing or is interested in. It is kind of like picking at a scab, "the more you pick, the easier it is to see the wound." You can use a few routines to do this or not. The hardest part is finding what to ask, how to ask it and then calibrating that into the type of girl you are talking to. For example:

If I run "The Cube" on a girl, explain it to her and get feedback (whether it was accurate or not), then I can ask her about something in relationship to the cube.

Example: (You need to know the cube): When she explains what types of flowers she chooses then I can tell her a gambit that involves the flowers (like them getting to sent to the wrong house and the wrong girl who received them called me and we were friends ever since, blah, blah, blah). By doing that I established a connection per se or thread to those types of flowers. What if she said " OMG I hate it when people send things to the wrong house?" I could then say that I do too and then we could play a game that involved us picking out one thing about people that we do and don't like. After then, you could tell the things she likes in guys/people and roll with that.

Really, with relation to the latter example, some of the gambits/routines are made up but that only leads into a deeper emotional connection with the girl. The routines/openers open them up and the gambits/games keep them interested in you while you fluff/roll with the conversation. While you roll with the conversation you should be getting them to qualify themselves to you (you are the prize) and finding out what they like/dislike, etc. This is the time that you create the connection by finding out who they are and sharing/rewarding them with who you are. If you don't have a good chance to really get to know someone on the first day meeting then escalate "you" on day 2. Bring more focus into getting to know each other that day. Remember, it takes a while to get to know someone and listen to the other posts (they are good). Find things about her and talk about those things while finding a way to relate the things she likes (especially/mainly the emotions she feels when you talk about those things) to you and her together.

So, in a sense one could say that you were being a little superficial by using the routines or made up gambits (if you used some made up gambits) but at the same time you weren't because you aren't lying to her about who you are. I don't think that it is superficial unless you are not conveying your true self. Remember: It isn't always present but there is also bullshit out there. Ever heard the expression, "Shooting the shit" with someone or just "Bullshiting"? You don't need to agree with her about every little thing she says but make sure you don't just SHOOT her down. I usually roll with their interests even if I don't really care for it. Mystery's example is taste on music. If you like metal but she likes pop, then don't trash her because she likes something you don't. Just say, "that's cool" then, "Who's your favorite artist?" etc. Later, you can get her to listen to your type of music. Also, if I disagree with them a little then I make sure I back myself with interesting views/thoughts. She will be looking for interesting. In essence you are finding out who she is by using of the tools you have learned, which will help open up both of you to deeper conversation and connection.

Rhody wrote:
"I assume you have family and friends. So you do know how to make a personal connection with someone. All the routines and gambits, tools if you will, are just ways of opening and directing the conversation. YOU have to provide the PERSON to make it PERSONAL. Talk about yourself. Tell her what you like to do and how it makes you feel. Ask her what she's passionate about, what secrets she's keeping, how she feels when she's in love, etc. You already know how to do it."

I like Rhody's post below about the conversation threads not being tools or tricks but really just ways to keep the conversation going and interesting. I also like the analogy of connecting with someone to connecting with one's family and friend's.

Twitchy wrote:
"For a true personal connection, no routine or saying the "right" thing at the "right" time is going to get you anywhere. It might generate attraction for a short while but women are very observant - much more so than men - they will see through the fact you are being contrived. You will become the creepy guy they try to get away from."

This is true. Routines or saying the right thing will only help you get to attraction but you must go further to keep it there. Build a conversation based on interests/dislikes, etc. and you will be able to keep that attraction alive. Remember, you have to break down the wall/bitch shield (however much is there) and build/create the attraction. I like Twitchy's post as well as Rhody's.

[Rhody]

How to create a personal connection? Show genuine interest in someone. Ask them questions you really want to know about. Laugh at them and their jokes. Tease them.

Whether you are trying to hook up or just meet a friend, just show them that you value them. And they will value you for it.

I don't want to be rude, but this post doesn't say anything useful. If someone doesn't know how to drive a standard, responding with "you have to shift gears yourself" isn't going to help them at all.

I think his post is perfect. You're just presenting an unsolvable problem. Using your analogy, you're asking for an automatic way to drive a standard. There just is no automatic way. There is no "tool" for making a personal connection with someone.

I assume you have family and friends. So you do know how to make a personal connection with someone. All the routines and gambits, tools if you will, are just ways of opening and directing the conversation. YOU have to provide the PERSON to make it PERSONAL. Talk about yourself. Tell her what you like to do and how it makes you feel. Ask her what she's passionate about, what secrets she's keeping, how she feels when she's in love, etc. You already know how to do it.

However, here's a little qualifier I use.
Rhody: Tell me two qualities you possess that you WISH people would notice about you.
HB: Well, I think I have nice hair.
Rhody: Trust me, people notice your hair. I'm talking about something about you that people don't notice. Maybe you're a closet geek. Maybe you are a great singer in the shower or the car when you're alone. Something only your closest friends know, or maybe don't know.
HB: Oh, well, I'm an artist. I like to paint. But I don't like showing people my paintings...

It's not a trick or a tool, it's just making conversation about something personal.

[Twitchy]

My post may be simple but it says it all. Trust me.

For a true personal connection, no routine or saying the "right" thing at the "right" time is going to get you anywhere. It might generate attraction for a short while but women are very observant - much more so than men - they will see through the fact you are being contrived. You will become the creepy guy they try to get away from.

What happened the last time you met a cool guy that you wanted to hang out with? You guys talked, probably shared some background, maybe ripped on each other a little bit, maybe told a dirty joke or two? Maybe you even made some plans to go out drinking or to pick up girls? Maybe you talked about the football game or the latest video game?

And what happened? You created a personal connection. A bond.

Why should it be any different than with a woman? To personally connect with someone, you have to truly be interested in getting to know them. What they are like, what they like to do in their free time, how their personality clicks with yours, what are their goals, what their passions are, etc. No routine is going to do that for you.

Once you see a woman for a person instead of an object that you need to push this button and turn this dial before she will let you inject your sperm into her, the more success you will have.

Now, you can regularly have sex with women without a personal connection. But that is not the topic of this post. It asked "what do you do to create a personal connection?". The answer, show genuine interest and create a bond.

A few nights ago I was at a networking event with a friend of mine. My friend (a girl) started talking to this hot blonde 10. Normally, I am not even into blondes but this one was physically a 10. I think most every guy on this board would agree. This girl was at the event with her very big boyfriend so I was not trying to game her. However, my friend and her got into a topic of conversation that interested me and that I could tell that blonde was very passionate about. Her eyes lit up, she was using very expressive mannerisms and she was really getting into talking about the topic.

Surprising to me, she started to use some very big words and mentioned some things that hinted at how intelligent and successful she was at this particular topic. It interested me. I shared some things from my life that related to her topic. She started asking me all kinds of questions. I interested her.

We got so into talking and sharing stories that her boyfriend and my friend slowly drifted away into other conversations.

Twice her boyfriend tried to come and politely pull her away but we were engrossed with each other.

I wasn't hitting on her, flirting with her, kinoing her or making any moves. I was simply enjoying our conversation and getting to know her.

Finally, my friend and her boyfriend came and broke us up. I handed her my business card and said that I was interested in hearing more.

Guess who emailed me that very night???? Why? Not because I was trying to hit on her, but because we had a personal connection. Because we both had genuine interest in getting to know more about each other.

[Sage]

"I assume you have family and friends. So you do know how to make a personal connection with someone. All the routines and gambits, tools if you will, are just ways of opening and directing the conversation. YOU have to provide the PERSON to make it PERSONAL. Talk about yourself. Tell her what you like to do and how it makes you feel. Ask her what she's passionate about, what secrets she's keeping, how she feels when she's in love, etc. You already know how to do it."


Sry, big test in an hour so wont be able to read this completely until much later tonight. But, yes I do have family and friends. And I'm asking this question here because my psych suggested that I wasn't making personal connections with people so I started asking my family and friends and they all agreed that I don't do that. So, no, I don't already know how to do it.

If I have a conversation about how I feel it usually goes something along the lines of "I'm in a pissy mood. You should know by now to steer clear of me when I'm like this." (my roommate tells me that when I'm in a bad mood I act inhuman like a and it scares him a little) or, if I'm in a good mood, if asked, I'll announce that "I'm having a great day." That is the extent of me talking about how I feel about things. Sometimes I might illustrate the circumstances that caused me to be in a good mood or a bad mood if I am pestered about it enough, but I don't talk about "how things make me feel." If I want something or for someone to do something I will say that I want it. That is all. If someone asked what I was passionate about I wouldn't know how to answer. And if someone asked what secrets I was keeping I would reply that if I'm keeping secrets there must be a reason that they are secret.

It sounds like I am supposed to be using emotionally-charged words and phrases to develop what people are calling a personal connection. Can someone explain why these words cause attachment in humans? Perhaps if I better understood the underlying mechanisms, I would have an easier job of understanding and developing routines to exploit it.

[Sage]

I assume you have family and friends. So you do know how to make a personal connection with someone. All the routines and gambits, tools if you will, are just ways of opening and directing the conversation. YOU have to provide the PERSON to make it PERSONAL. Talk about yourself. Tell her what you like to do and how it makes you feel. Ask her what she's passionate about, what secrets she's keeping, how she feels when she's in love, etc. You already know how to do it.

So, this gave me some ideas to try tonight and I think it went very well. I was talking to a friend who had romantically rejected me previously. I started with small things, using words representing emotion- telling her about some things that happened previously that made me "happy" or "feel icky". This was to let her know that I was now open to communicating on an emotional level and to also help me get more comfortable and practice with that kind of interaction. I then inquired about her emotional reaction to a few things and tried to relate my own emotional experiences to the responses that she gave. Once I started doing this, when I asked a question that (unbeknownst to me when I asked it) had a very personal answer, she didn't hesitate delve deep into a discussion that involved a lot of intimate and emotional conversation.


I think that I now understand the key to developing a personal connection is creating mutual empathy, which is accomplished by identifying common emotional experiences.

Once you see a woman for a person instead of an object that you need to push this button and turn this dial before she will let you inject your sperm into her, the more success you will have.

Everything is a series of buttons and dials that get pushed in the right order at the right time. Or do you go through life haphazardly, surrendering yourself to complete chaos? From some of our other conversations, I'd say that you definitely have it together and I doubt you live in complete chaos.