Congruence

[Scoundrel]

I recently met someone that was having trouble with women and it got me thinking about congruence. He was trying very hard to hide the fact that he's not good with women. He could cover his nervousness and stand up tall without leaning in, but there was something else and I couldn't put my finger on it.

I feel his problem was he was still investing to much in his interactions with women and this somehow comes out in his vocal tone and body language. There was no one thing he was doing wrong, but he was doing everything wrong at the same time. He wasn't really having fun. He wasn't really positive and value giving. He was faking it. He just cared too much about the outcome and worried about screwing it up.

I don't think you can fake congruence. At least not without a lot of training as an actor. IMHO you have to really not give a shit if a woman likes you or not. You go in, say hi, shake her hand and start a conversation. If you aren't getting IOIs (or at least not getting IODs) within a few minutes you just say thanks and end the set.

It's like asking a stranger for directions or talking with the person at the gas station. You don't invest your emotions in those people. So, why would you do it with some random girl in a nightclub? Moreover, if you're afraid of screwing up, you may not have to balls to say something crazy that will spike her buying temp because it could also blow you out of the set.

IMHO if there really is a "magic bullet," it's learning to not care what the women you talk to think of you. Once you do that the rest is cake.

Thoughts?

[the_devil]

I'm glad you brought this up. I have fallen back into this I think. I didn't give a crap for a while so I just went out with the only plan being to have a great time. Now I have noticed that the evening isn't even fun unless I can F close. The thing is it would usually happen when I didn't give a crap! Now at least lately I haven't had those results.

I have a friend who helped me realize I was doing what the guy you are describing is. He said that I had a neon sign up that says "I wanna get laid!" it's basically needyness. I gotta refocus on what is really important

[TeeJay]

This is true…I am new at this. I attended AFC Adam Lyon’s boot camp a couple months ago. We went to a club and I made a couple of approaches and was scarred and felt awkward. I was so far out of my comfort zone, and all I could think about was what are these chicks thinking about me and did those chicks see how sorry I looked. That night I learned how fast women can sniff out insecurity.

One of the instructors, who is a well known PUA explained, “who cares”, they’re here for your practice, if you mess up they won’t remember and move on to the next set, they’re your personal guinea pigs. That night it didn’t make sense, but about a month ago I had an “ah-ha” moment when making approaches and thought, who cares, I'm here to have fun.

You’re right; you have to learn not to care ---key word for me is “learn”.