Approach Anxiety can be eliminated
Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:17 amhttp://www.adventuresofattraction.com/blog
A topic raised by a couple of guys I chatted with before the GSF, again with the guy I worked with during the GSF, is what I saw to completely empower a guy that I coach separately (through repetition) to move on to the next level. One guy called it nervousness, another called it something that was ‘locking him up’ but the most common term I have heard is Approach Anxiety. I covered many of these points yesterday, but since it is the repetition that builds habits, I figured I could copy/paste a part of the passages I wrote that I teach from so guys here could review/remind themselves of the concepts.
Approach Anxiety
I have heard even well known gurus in pickup that have said that it never goes away. I beg to differ in a way and I counter this for several reasons.
The first one is that I don’t have it (I’ll come back to this) when I approach girls. I tend to live most of my life on a very social basis. I love to flirt and that is not limited to just the hot girls I come across. I like to flirt with hot girls, with the old lady on the bus, with the mom wrestling with her kids at a shopping mall. I don't see flirting as being a mode of communication that is strictly leading to pickup, it is just playful banter (sometimes with sexual undertones). With all the people I pass throughout a day, flirting is a moment that made both of our days a little bit better.
Flirting is that fun and playful conversation going on between people that has them both feeling good in the moment. For example, maybe I am behind an older lady at the liquor store. I ask the clerk behind the counter if she has carded the lady yet. “I don’t know if she is ok, you better check.” I say. The older lady knows that I know she is old enough & still laughs for the spark of playfully teasing her. By keeping flirting to be a regular habit, there is no specific outcome desired, it is just a normal way to be, built into a person through habit.
You see, by just keeping it as a regular habit with talking to many people with whom I cross paths with, I don't end up thinking much about it anymore. Many times when I've gotten into conversation with a hot girl, I don't even realize that she is that hot until a conversation is already rolling. Once I see this, at that point, it's much easier to just insert some sparks for attraction into our conversational dynamic. By it being so regular in my habit, I have no awkwardness or hesitation for her to detect and feel for herself either.
What does seem to come and go in me and I'm sure the details are different for everybody, but it is a feeling I get in my chest when I see some people in the direction I am going that a greeting and/or conversation should happen. I noticed this in me a long time ago and by identifying it was able to take steps to change what was going on in my mind about it. It happens every so often and the same steps have become habit now.
At the start of this passage I mentioned my friend calling fear to be ‘courage.’ I thought about it different ways like that. Naturally we all have, in our biology, something that has been referred to as a 'flight or flight' response. That being the case, that is all the feeling in my chest was and can be identified with. Initially it was a feeling that was not defined in my head to what it was. When we as human beings have these sorts of feelings that we don’t understand, we do what is necessary to make them go away.
The easiest way, which many of us do before we learn the other side of it, is to do something that makes the feeling go away. In this case this would be avoiding the approach. The feelings subsides and we have relief, therefore we do the same thing next time since this is what we learned will reward us (by making the feeling go away). On the other side of this coin, is that it goes away with the opposite response too (of approaching her), yet the opposite response can bring us some bonuses.
Back when I first noticed this feeling in myself and saw my first reaction was to avoid the interaction & I identified the result. I asked myself “I enjoy social interactions, why would I avoid this?” and I went on to take action to change my habit. Every time that feeling would hit me, I would work with it and walk towards the people I saw, thinking of a nice greeting for that particular moment.
After some time went by with me taking those same actions consciously (walking toward them) every time I felt a feeling, some new habit started to form within me. I didn't realize it at first since those feelings didn't come to me every time a similar situation happened but when I did; I was consciously taking the action that opposed my first instinct…which was to avoid the people. My conscious action had me directing my steps to make sure I had an opportunity to greet them in some way and start a conversation. Then there came a point when I saw my 'conscious competence', my new habit of knowing what I wanted to do and doing it, turning into 'unconscious competence'.
The Sweet Spot
Unconscious competence is when we are doing the right thing without thinking about it. There are times now when I find myself walking towards a particular group of people and then noticing that same feeling in my chest for the first few steps but fading quickly. Now I was walking towards the people with a good feeling in me, almost a juice, a motivation that quickened my step and had me thinking of cool ideas to include in my greeting much quicker than I expected. A few simple conscious actions on my part had taken that same undefined feeling which previously marked itself as a fear now had become my courage. It was my juice, my motivation, what pushed me into my zone.
The next part of this that I can explain, has helped me to eliminate those irrational thoughts we get, that tend to fuel approach anxiety. Think of all those excuses that we make to justify our lack of action (she won’t like me, she probably has a boyfriend, I’d be interrupting her, etc). It's very simple and I have taught it to plenty of guys who have told me the ways it has helped them significantly. This next part I will explain is simply another part of installing a habit into yourself.
When I see a girl that I'd like to talk to, even if some sort of hesitation comes to me, I asked myself: "Who is this girl to me? Who is she to my life, what effect on my life does she have right now?"
Before I have met her, the answer is 'nothing'. So if I approach this girl, if I go to this girl and say ‘hi’, then things can only get better or they can stay the same. If I go up this girl and we happen to click, then I have a new person in my life that I enjoy. This way, things would have gotten better.
If I go up to this girl and she tries to blow me off because she's had a bad day or what have you, whereas me and this girl do not click and we go our separate ways… then things have stayed the same. We did not know each other before I said ‘hi.’ We had a few comments and then went our separate ways so we still do not know each other. In this way things have stayed the same. Two people who didn’t know each other before the greeting and things continue in that way after.
In any situation where I see an opportunity to meet a new girl, “THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER OR THEY WILL STAY THE SAME.” This statement rings in my head. Fact of the matter is, is that things cannot get worse. There can be no negative effects that can last longer than I choose to maintain the interaction.
Tribal warriors are not going to jump out of the bushes and decapitate me for saying hi to this girl. This girl is not going to register my name on the huge database of: 'Guys to reject.’ The girl & I can either click and trade info to maintain contact OR we can go our separate ways never to think about each other again.
“THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER OR THEY WILL STAY THE SAME” when I approach a new girl. That’s it.
After understanding this, a guy can quickly say the statement in his head every time as he is walking to the girl he will approach. After enough repetition of this, I find that just the feeling of understanding the concept kicks in simultaneously with walking to the girl, a comfortable okay-ness.
Another great factor to having this understanding is that performance anxiety drops. If she is just a potential addition to my life depending on what she’s like, I feel no need to impress anybody. I can just be myself, and I can feel free to tease her like she is my little sister since nothing bad can happen from this either. [size=medium]It turns out, by having that lack of care to how you’re going to come across shows a major confidence that is very attractive to women.
Since I am actively qualifying the girls I meet to see if I want anything further with them, they never feel like I want (or am trying for) their approval. They get into the mode of working to earn my approval and proving themselves to me. This is a bonus to both of us. She is working to show me she does qualify which I like, and if we do click she feels it is because of who she is, which she likes much better than thinking a guy likes her only because she’s looking pretty that day. This is an early part to beginning that momentum of the girl in pursuit of the guy (I have plenty about starting this sweet momentum and maintaining it that I will get to later), not the other way around.
There is a third part all of this*. If you remember the first part I mentioned, I told you that I don't have approach anxiety. You'll also remember that I told you of a feeling I identified in myself during certain situations. How is it that I can tell you of something I don't have and still mention that?
The whole reason of this is because of a fantastic concept I learned the truth of, which is available to help us in so many areas of life. It's how to work the main control board in our master computers that control our thoughts and emotions; that is our mind. The most powerful tool we have to take complete control of everything we think, we feel, we believe & our success rate is directed by the language we use.
The first part is the language that we use with our self, in our head. What we say in our thoughts does lead our actions and beliefs to be following right after those words. A strikingly powerful part that works parallel with this is the language that we use out loud. What we say. There's not another person or set of words on earth that we believe more than ourselves. We believe ourselves more than anything else on Earth, no matter what.
By controlling the language that a person uses with themselves and out loud, they control what they believe. We have a need for major congruency between this language and our actions, feelings and beliefs. If our actions, feelings and beliefs are not harmonious with this language in ourselves, we will feel a major dissonance** until we either change our actions, feelings, beliefs to match the language or we will change the language to match our behaviors.
As I say “I never have approach anxiety”, whenever there is a time that I have those feelings I spoke of, I correct my actions, my interpretation of the feelings so everything is on the same page. If I thought for a second that it was approach anxiety, I first would think: “That’s not possible, I don’t have approach anxiety” so my first instinct would tell me it must be something else. If there is a girl in front of me at the time, I may just approach her and say ‘hi’ to show myself that approach anxiety wasn’t it (see how it transfers to a motivation). So I first don’t believe it, then I take steps necessary to justify to myself that I was right. Then I am sure that my belief “I don’t have approach anxiety” is congruent with how I feel and what I do. As people, as human beings we don’t like those feelings of dissonance and will act quickly to reassure ourselves. The fact that I don't have Approach Anxiety came from me choosing not to have it and then figuring out what steps were needed to be taken to make this a reality.
If steps are taken in the right direction, the possibility of this dissonance can lead to success. It takes time and repetition throughout that time but habits of one's choosing can be installed within themselves.
C.J. Piona ©2010
** [[Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions.[2] Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying. It is one of the most influential and extensively studied theories in social psychology.
People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.
A classical example of this idea (and the origin of the expression "sour grapes") is expressed in the fable The Fox and the Grapes by Aesop (ca. 620–564 BCE). In the story, a fox sees some high-hanging grapes and wishes to eat them. When the fox is unable to think of a way to reach them, he surmises that the grapes are probably not worth eating, as they must not be ripe or that they are sour. This example follows a pattern: one desires something, finds it unattainable, and reduces one's dissonance by criticizing it. Jon Elster calls this pattern "adaptive preference formation."[1] (en.wikipedia.org)]] [url][/url]
A topic raised by a couple of guys I chatted with before the GSF, again with the guy I worked with during the GSF, is what I saw to completely empower a guy that I coach separately (through repetition) to move on to the next level. One guy called it nervousness, another called it something that was ‘locking him up’ but the most common term I have heard is Approach Anxiety. I covered many of these points yesterday, but since it is the repetition that builds habits, I figured I could copy/paste a part of the passages I wrote that I teach from so guys here could review/remind themselves of the concepts.
Approach Anxiety
I have heard even well known gurus in pickup that have said that it never goes away. I beg to differ in a way and I counter this for several reasons.
The first one is that I don’t have it (I’ll come back to this) when I approach girls. I tend to live most of my life on a very social basis. I love to flirt and that is not limited to just the hot girls I come across. I like to flirt with hot girls, with the old lady on the bus, with the mom wrestling with her kids at a shopping mall. I don't see flirting as being a mode of communication that is strictly leading to pickup, it is just playful banter (sometimes with sexual undertones). With all the people I pass throughout a day, flirting is a moment that made both of our days a little bit better.
Flirting is that fun and playful conversation going on between people that has them both feeling good in the moment. For example, maybe I am behind an older lady at the liquor store. I ask the clerk behind the counter if she has carded the lady yet. “I don’t know if she is ok, you better check.” I say. The older lady knows that I know she is old enough & still laughs for the spark of playfully teasing her. By keeping flirting to be a regular habit, there is no specific outcome desired, it is just a normal way to be, built into a person through habit.
You see, by just keeping it as a regular habit with talking to many people with whom I cross paths with, I don't end up thinking much about it anymore. Many times when I've gotten into conversation with a hot girl, I don't even realize that she is that hot until a conversation is already rolling. Once I see this, at that point, it's much easier to just insert some sparks for attraction into our conversational dynamic. By it being so regular in my habit, I have no awkwardness or hesitation for her to detect and feel for herself either.
What does seem to come and go in me and I'm sure the details are different for everybody, but it is a feeling I get in my chest when I see some people in the direction I am going that a greeting and/or conversation should happen. I noticed this in me a long time ago and by identifying it was able to take steps to change what was going on in my mind about it. It happens every so often and the same steps have become habit now.
At the start of this passage I mentioned my friend calling fear to be ‘courage.’ I thought about it different ways like that. Naturally we all have, in our biology, something that has been referred to as a 'flight or flight' response. That being the case, that is all the feeling in my chest was and can be identified with. Initially it was a feeling that was not defined in my head to what it was. When we as human beings have these sorts of feelings that we don’t understand, we do what is necessary to make them go away.
The easiest way, which many of us do before we learn the other side of it, is to do something that makes the feeling go away. In this case this would be avoiding the approach. The feelings subsides and we have relief, therefore we do the same thing next time since this is what we learned will reward us (by making the feeling go away). On the other side of this coin, is that it goes away with the opposite response too (of approaching her), yet the opposite response can bring us some bonuses.
Back when I first noticed this feeling in myself and saw my first reaction was to avoid the interaction & I identified the result. I asked myself “I enjoy social interactions, why would I avoid this?” and I went on to take action to change my habit. Every time that feeling would hit me, I would work with it and walk towards the people I saw, thinking of a nice greeting for that particular moment.
After some time went by with me taking those same actions consciously (walking toward them) every time I felt a feeling, some new habit started to form within me. I didn't realize it at first since those feelings didn't come to me every time a similar situation happened but when I did; I was consciously taking the action that opposed my first instinct…which was to avoid the people. My conscious action had me directing my steps to make sure I had an opportunity to greet them in some way and start a conversation. Then there came a point when I saw my 'conscious competence', my new habit of knowing what I wanted to do and doing it, turning into 'unconscious competence'.
The Sweet Spot
Unconscious competence is when we are doing the right thing without thinking about it. There are times now when I find myself walking towards a particular group of people and then noticing that same feeling in my chest for the first few steps but fading quickly. Now I was walking towards the people with a good feeling in me, almost a juice, a motivation that quickened my step and had me thinking of cool ideas to include in my greeting much quicker than I expected. A few simple conscious actions on my part had taken that same undefined feeling which previously marked itself as a fear now had become my courage. It was my juice, my motivation, what pushed me into my zone.
The next part of this that I can explain, has helped me to eliminate those irrational thoughts we get, that tend to fuel approach anxiety. Think of all those excuses that we make to justify our lack of action (she won’t like me, she probably has a boyfriend, I’d be interrupting her, etc). It's very simple and I have taught it to plenty of guys who have told me the ways it has helped them significantly. This next part I will explain is simply another part of installing a habit into yourself.
When I see a girl that I'd like to talk to, even if some sort of hesitation comes to me, I asked myself: "Who is this girl to me? Who is she to my life, what effect on my life does she have right now?"
Before I have met her, the answer is 'nothing'. So if I approach this girl, if I go to this girl and say ‘hi’, then things can only get better or they can stay the same. If I go up this girl and we happen to click, then I have a new person in my life that I enjoy. This way, things would have gotten better.
If I go up to this girl and she tries to blow me off because she's had a bad day or what have you, whereas me and this girl do not click and we go our separate ways… then things have stayed the same. We did not know each other before I said ‘hi.’ We had a few comments and then went our separate ways so we still do not know each other. In this way things have stayed the same. Two people who didn’t know each other before the greeting and things continue in that way after.
In any situation where I see an opportunity to meet a new girl, “THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER OR THEY WILL STAY THE SAME.” This statement rings in my head. Fact of the matter is, is that things cannot get worse. There can be no negative effects that can last longer than I choose to maintain the interaction.
Tribal warriors are not going to jump out of the bushes and decapitate me for saying hi to this girl. This girl is not going to register my name on the huge database of: 'Guys to reject.’ The girl & I can either click and trade info to maintain contact OR we can go our separate ways never to think about each other again.
“THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER OR THEY WILL STAY THE SAME” when I approach a new girl. That’s it.
After understanding this, a guy can quickly say the statement in his head every time as he is walking to the girl he will approach. After enough repetition of this, I find that just the feeling of understanding the concept kicks in simultaneously with walking to the girl, a comfortable okay-ness.
Another great factor to having this understanding is that performance anxiety drops. If she is just a potential addition to my life depending on what she’s like, I feel no need to impress anybody. I can just be myself, and I can feel free to tease her like she is my little sister since nothing bad can happen from this either. [size=medium]It turns out, by having that lack of care to how you’re going to come across shows a major confidence that is very attractive to women.
Since I am actively qualifying the girls I meet to see if I want anything further with them, they never feel like I want (or am trying for) their approval. They get into the mode of working to earn my approval and proving themselves to me. This is a bonus to both of us. She is working to show me she does qualify which I like, and if we do click she feels it is because of who she is, which she likes much better than thinking a guy likes her only because she’s looking pretty that day. This is an early part to beginning that momentum of the girl in pursuit of the guy (I have plenty about starting this sweet momentum and maintaining it that I will get to later), not the other way around.
There is a third part all of this*. If you remember the first part I mentioned, I told you that I don't have approach anxiety. You'll also remember that I told you of a feeling I identified in myself during certain situations. How is it that I can tell you of something I don't have and still mention that?
The whole reason of this is because of a fantastic concept I learned the truth of, which is available to help us in so many areas of life. It's how to work the main control board in our master computers that control our thoughts and emotions; that is our mind. The most powerful tool we have to take complete control of everything we think, we feel, we believe & our success rate is directed by the language we use.
The first part is the language that we use with our self, in our head. What we say in our thoughts does lead our actions and beliefs to be following right after those words. A strikingly powerful part that works parallel with this is the language that we use out loud. What we say. There's not another person or set of words on earth that we believe more than ourselves. We believe ourselves more than anything else on Earth, no matter what.
By controlling the language that a person uses with themselves and out loud, they control what they believe. We have a need for major congruency between this language and our actions, feelings and beliefs. If our actions, feelings and beliefs are not harmonious with this language in ourselves, we will feel a major dissonance** until we either change our actions, feelings, beliefs to match the language or we will change the language to match our behaviors.
As I say “I never have approach anxiety”, whenever there is a time that I have those feelings I spoke of, I correct my actions, my interpretation of the feelings so everything is on the same page. If I thought for a second that it was approach anxiety, I first would think: “That’s not possible, I don’t have approach anxiety” so my first instinct would tell me it must be something else. If there is a girl in front of me at the time, I may just approach her and say ‘hi’ to show myself that approach anxiety wasn’t it (see how it transfers to a motivation). So I first don’t believe it, then I take steps necessary to justify to myself that I was right. Then I am sure that my belief “I don’t have approach anxiety” is congruent with how I feel and what I do. As people, as human beings we don’t like those feelings of dissonance and will act quickly to reassure ourselves. The fact that I don't have Approach Anxiety came from me choosing not to have it and then figuring out what steps were needed to be taken to make this a reality.
If steps are taken in the right direction, the possibility of this dissonance can lead to success. It takes time and repetition throughout that time but habits of one's choosing can be installed within themselves.
C.J. Piona ©2010
** [[Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions.[2] Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying. It is one of the most influential and extensively studied theories in social psychology.
People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.
A classical example of this idea (and the origin of the expression "sour grapes") is expressed in the fable The Fox and the Grapes by Aesop (ca. 620–564 BCE). In the story, a fox sees some high-hanging grapes and wishes to eat them. When the fox is unable to think of a way to reach them, he surmises that the grapes are probably not worth eating, as they must not be ripe or that they are sour. This example follows a pattern: one desires something, finds it unattainable, and reduces one's dissonance by criticizing it. Jon Elster calls this pattern "adaptive preference formation."[1] (en.wikipedia.org)]] [url][/url]